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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bother starting this job?

296 replies

harveyyspecter · 28/11/2016 23:19

Got a part time job after being a sahm for the last 2 years. I'm due to start next week and therefore dd will be starting nursery.

The problem is that one of the contracted shifts is on an evening and I can't get childcare for dd. I didn't realise dd's dad wouldn't be able to take care of her when I had the interview.

Wibu to just not bother with the job or should I start and ask them to swap shifts which will make me look like a flake straight away..

OP posts:
InTheKitchenAtParties · 29/11/2016 00:51

OP Jens not dismissing your anxiety. She's encouraging you to believe you can overcome it.

BackAwayFatty · 29/11/2016 00:51

Hey!

You are NOT being unreasonable by making the decision that you think is best for your child.

I would not have let a random/babysitter/childminder watch my child until 11pm.

I would suggest speaking with your employer & see if they can accommodate. Failing that, the right position will come along.

I also did not have the option of working a late & so my work have accommodated by allowing me to work a mid shift.

Good luck!

JenLindleyShitMom · 29/11/2016 00:53

I'm not going to describe my lowest points whilst suffering PND and anxiety but it was a really bad place and I know it may seem like I am just spilling out words without any clue of how hard this is but trust me when I say I know. I do. But I am in such a good place right now due to taking those really uncomfortable steps and hauling my own ass out of the pit I was in. But you have to take the steps. This is a hard one, I know, but it'LL be so worth it.

JellyBelli · 29/11/2016 00:55

Dont just not turn up. I've lost count of how many employers I've heard moan about single parents and how unreliable they are.
Ditto landlords. Your LL is only OK because they think you have a job.

The worst thing you can do for unreasonable anxiety is to give in to it. And I say that as someone who is recovering from PTSD.
Get an accredited babysitter. Go and do the job. Work through the anxiety.

MatildaTheCat · 29/11/2016 00:55

Are you able to use your CBT techniques here? You know that the chances of harm coming to your dd are very tiny indeed. You could almost definitely find a qualified and dbs checked carer and you need someone to call on anyway if you are alone. Your ex sounds more of a risk than a nice, trained professional.

You've clearly come a long way in difficult circumstances which is amazing. Don't fall now without at least trying to make it work. You could always use a webcam if you are anxious.

indigox · 29/11/2016 00:56

It's better to at least ask to change the shift rather than not bothering to start at all, I'm not sure why you'd be concerned about them thinking you're a "flake" when the only other option you have is no job at all, not turning up at the last minute and them thinking you're a flake anyway.

BlueFolly · 29/11/2016 01:24

I think people were being off with you because of your use of the words 'not bother' in the title of your OP. It just creates a first impression that influences the way people respond to you.

lostgirl77 · 29/11/2016 01:30

I don't think it's something you need to 'overcome' I get really sick of people's quite rational fears being belittled and brushed off as if there's something wrong with them!

I think it's quite normal to not want to leave your DC with a stranger at that age, if you do want to, them all power to you, but don't try and force your feelings on others, there's no right or wrong, you parent your child your own way, and if you chose to be cautious then so be it

For what it's worth OP I would explain the situation to them, apologise and let them know you would really love to still do the job with amended hours but you understand if that's not possible and go from there, at least then you've tried

YouHadMeAtCake · 29/11/2016 02:06

Some really bloody nasty replies on here!

OP I don't blame you. I never left any of our DC with strangers. Do what you feel is best for you and DD.

oldlaundbooth · 29/11/2016 02:13

Stupid replies on here tonight.

As if the OP would leave her two year old with some randomer till 11pm!

bummymummy77 · 29/11/2016 02:23

No way if leave ds who's three with anyone but a close family member or friend. Op I don't know why people are being so spiteful!

JellyBelli · 29/11/2016 02:43

Lots of people have to use childcare. There is accredited childcare available if you choose to look.
Theres nothing spiteful about encouraging someone to deal with a fear, especially if you have been though it yourself.

lostgirl77 · 29/11/2016 02:57

Jelly, it's a fear that is in many people's opinions totally justified, parenting is about weighing up 100s of risks every day, some with obvious generally agreed upon answers such as 'should I leave my child unattended in the bath for an hour' and others are much more down to parents upbringing, experiences, specific fears, personal interpretations of necessary and unnecessary risks.

Ask 10 people if they would leave their child in a bath and chances are they will all rightly say no, ask 10 people if they would leave their young child with a child minder and you might get 5 people saying yes and 5 saying no

Does that mean the people who are in your opinion wrong should be made to do what you think is right for your child to their child?

I don't know why people insist cautious parenting is wrong and something to be ashamed of! OPers DC is not going to have a worse life because when she was 2 she wasn't allowed to stay with a stranger!!

OP stick to what you are comfortable with, if there's one thing I've learnt from being a parent it's not to feel bullied by other parents because you do things different to them

Pluto30 · 29/11/2016 03:32

OP, you haven't addressed any of the advice about simply speaking to the employer about the situation. Most employers are willing to work with employees, especially when it's only one shift being negotiated.

It does seem that you're trying to justify not turning up.

WouldHave · 29/11/2016 04:03

No-one is suggesting OP leave her child with some randomer, oldlaundbooth, so perhaps you should direct your accusations of stupidity closer to home. What is suggested is that there are reputable non-random resources and alternatives to giving up the job which need to be explored.

SlottedSpoon · 29/11/2016 04:05

I'm afraid you are going to have to get more comfortable with a stranger looking after your DD. That's what all working parents who use paid childcare have to do. If you can't afford to be a SAHM then you have no choice, do you?

You are different to anyone else n this situation and they manage to just get on with it.

QueenCarpetJewels · 29/11/2016 04:24

FFS CarolDecker "Your 'anxiety' does not mean we owe you a living."
Perhaps you don't know this, but anxiety is a recognised mental illness. In some cases it is classed as a disability. "A mental health condition is considered a disability if it has a long-term effect on your normal day-to-day activity. This is defined under the Equality Act 2010." - that's from the government's own website, so fuck off with your ableist nonsense.

and to the OP: I know it was a massive step just to apply and go for the interview. You should be proud you did that. Babysteps and you'll get there. Anxiety doesn't just disappear overnight and is not something people can just 'get over' because someone says they should. It just doesn't work like that.
You could try a babysitter for just half an hour if you find one that's willing. Then maybe leave your child with them for gradually longer periods of time until it feels OK for you. Maybe this job might be too much for right now, but keep on applying for others and doing your CBT. It could take a while, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise Flowers (and no, I wouldn't leave my 2yr old with a stranger either. Mine's grown up now but was only ever left with family or friends. It's a personal choice and no one else's business)

lostgirl77 · 29/11/2016 04:25

I think there's a big difference between a child going to nursery with other children and multiple care givers to a child being alone one on one with a person in a home setting

SlottedSpoon · 29/11/2016 04:38

Can't you just ask your dad to stay up a bit later one day a week? Confused

I know you don't have a car so could he not come to you and either stay over if he wants to go to sleep at 9 or just drive home when you get in? I understand why you would be reluctant to ask people to change their routine for you but you are in a fix and he's your dad.

RattieOfCatan · 29/11/2016 04:39

OP you so realise that nannies babysit too right? Many of us are ofsted registered if that is a main concern but even without it there are many many experienced nannies who babysit, give your local nanny agency a call, they probably run a babysitting service, especially if they are a franchise as the big companies generally expect it!
It sounds like my ideal babysit tbh, I hate sitting after midnight and would rather cover childcare for a job that a night out any day!

Grindelwaldswand · 29/11/2016 04:42

They'll change your shift to accommodate your DD if you ask, you need this job because it won't look good on your CV of you turn it down and even if its only part time you could get full time after a while or even a promotion ? I work for a company that is amazing when it comes to childcare and i think all employer's are like that now Flowers

Nousernameforme · 29/11/2016 04:54

There does seem to be a massive daily fail fuelled hoohah on here if you aren't either supported completely by a partner or working all hours never seeing your children. Oh and if you so much as touch a tax credit you are work shy benefit scrounging scum. Ignore all the frothy posters.
I don't know exactly what your anxiety revolves around but i would say working getting out and speaking to other people will help massively.
Now how to manage it, you have been let down by the ex. Is this him being a useless dick or him being a controlling dick do you think? You can't let him win either way.
Currently you say you have no options, but are you in an anxiety spiral at the moment that is making everything seem hopeless?
I understand that having a stranger in your home would be very upsetting. So that options out are there any nurserys/childminders near you that do night or evening placements? Have you asked? ex is out what about his parents or siblings? your parents? cousins? It's one night a week so if you offer to repay the favour or chuck them a bottle of wine etc for doing it. If you are completely alone family wise what about friends have you asked your health visitor if they know of anyone? Try not to give up on the job at the first hurdle Don't let him win.

KathyBeale · 29/11/2016 05:05

It's quite hard to find childcare for an evening. My best friend is in the police and she had a very tricky time getting someone to cover her late shifts. I can't pick my kids up until 6.30pm and there were very few childminders who accommodated that even. And despite mine being in childcare since they were 9 months old, the only evening babysitters we've had is family. Now I know school mums I could find someone but when they were little I wouldn't have had a clue.

OP definitely speak to the job, explain and see if they can work something out. But I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time on here!

Pimmmms · 29/11/2016 06:08

Of course other people have to leave their children with people who are 'unknown' but vetted!

If i didn't do that i would never have been able to have a childfree moment, given that my DH travelled a lot for work and our families all lived abroad.

It may not be easy but it is very necessary for most women who work!

Abraiid2 · 29/11/2016 06:13

A regular new babysitter would only be a stranger for the first time. Thereafter they would be a known person.

Lots of lovely people babysit. With references.

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