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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bother starting this job?

296 replies

harveyyspecter · 28/11/2016 23:19

Got a part time job after being a sahm for the last 2 years. I'm due to start next week and therefore dd will be starting nursery.

The problem is that one of the contracted shifts is on an evening and I can't get childcare for dd. I didn't realise dd's dad wouldn't be able to take care of her when I had the interview.

Wibu to just not bother with the job or should I start and ask them to swap shifts which will make me look like a flake straight away..

OP posts:
SlottedSpoon · 29/11/2016 09:55

On the other hand, anxiety didn't stop her from viewing a house that would clearly have been advertised as no DSS/HB knowing that she was fully benefit dependent. And anxiety didn't stop her telling a massive lie in order to secure that house. I think we shouldn't let her off the hook too lightly where the anxiety is concerned. It's not a get out of jail free card for everything.

SlottedSpoon · 29/11/2016 09:57

My point being that if you are brave enough to get that far then you can be brace enough to ring bloody Sainsburys and ask about the possibility of different shift patterns.

lostgirl77 · 29/11/2016 09:58

Slotted spoon if we're just making up thing that we know nothing and filling in the gaps to prove our own point...perhaps she was anxious about needing a house, and this made her panic and lie and get herself into a situation that spiralled out of control....because no one with anxiety has ever done that...Hmm

Manumission · 29/11/2016 10:02

On the other hand, anxiety didn't stop her from viewing a house that would clearly have been advertised as no DSS/HB knowing that she was fully benefit dependent. And anxiety didn't stop her telling a massive lie in order to secure that house. I think we shouldn't let her off the hook too lightly where the anxiety is concerned. It's not a get out of jail free card for everything.

What do you mean 'get out of jail free card'? It reads to me as though she's pushing through any anxiety and being quite resourceful to make things happen.

Meh. I've never suffered anxiety in my life but I'd take some deep breaths before picking up the phone to ask for changes before starting a job. But I'd do it and I'm sure she will too.

If I was of a cynical cast of mind, I'd think the frothers and the gnashers on this thread were on a mission to undermine the confidence of women-returners looking for support, just to keep themselves supplied with something to gnash about Hmm

SlottedSpoon · 29/11/2016 10:02

I'm not making up anything I don't know. She has said on the other thread she lied to get the house. And how many houses that cannot accept HB don't say so up front?

FizzBombBathTime · 29/11/2016 10:03

I think we shouldn't let her off the hook too lightly

Who are you a copper?!

Manumission · 29/11/2016 10:04

slotted if you'd read her other thread properly, you'd know her dad is her guarantor and she has a financial safety net, so it's not quite the Ken Loach style picture, or the risk for LLs, that you're making out.

JaneAustinAllegro · 29/11/2016 10:05

Keep trying to find someone. Look for teachers / teaching assistants/ nannies looking to earn extra and arrange for 3 sessions together with them to reassure yourself. By that point they will not be a stranger. They will also have official qualifications for child wrangling which most parents lack. Do not lose this opportunity because of challenges in finding the right childcare . It's never easy and it takes time. Don't give up because it hasn't fallen into your lap.

lostgirl77 · 29/11/2016 10:06

You're making it up in so far as you weren't there! You don't know what was said, how the house was advertised what the OP said or didn't say blah blah blah

You're taking the end result which is she ended up lying to get a house and put your own spin on it to try and prove she isn't anxious? Or she's not as anxious as she'd like is to think?

Which frankly, is ridiculous!

Manumission · 29/11/2016 10:09

I thought MN was supposed to be about parents supporting parents?

Government policy and the economic situation is going to mean more and more SAHPs returning to work. Is THIS disgraceful behaviour what they can expect every time one of them posts for help, ideas or a confidence boost?!

WouldHave · 29/11/2016 10:10

Leaving their 'tiny babies' 3 mths/5mths with strangers/10pm??. Maternity leave...It's a legal requirement by law, to give Mother's time to bond with their children. I presume some have never heard of it.

No, it isn't a legal requirement. No mother has to take maternity leave if she doesn't want to. It's only a legal requirement on employers to support it if a mother does want it.

SouthofMaui · 29/11/2016 10:13

maternity leave is not just about "bonding" with the child, but in many case to physically recover from birth, and not only the surgical ones. Not everybody can be back on their feet after a couple of days. Fathers bond with their babies even when they go to work!

Original poster
harveyyspecter · 29/11/2016 10:18

I haven't had the chance to read all the replies but I'll try and set a few things straight..

The house I went to view did not advertise no housing benefit on the website which is why I thought I'd got lucky when they asked if I wanted to view it. It was only once I was viewing it when the estate agent asked about my work situation and it was then that my anxiety caused me to panic and therefore lie. I'm certainly not proud of lying and in fact have been worrying myself sick over it since I did it. I wish I'd just been honest.

I want to go back to work, I want to feel like a normal person. I had no idea when I applied that the evening shift would be an issue and there was confusion around whether it was am or pm on the Tuesday. In the end it turned out that it is indeed pm. My ex can only look after dd every second Tuesday as he works one week nights and the next week days. He's asked his boss (apparently) and they've shot him down.

I won't need someone to look after dd on a Tuesday night until early January because dd's dad can take care of her until then.

Dd has her first settling in session tomorrow at nursery in preparation for me going to work which is making me physically ill with worry because if I can't do this job then I'm sending her early (she was meant to start in jan) for no reason.

My anxiety isn't just me irrationally worrying. It is very real, diagnosed and being treated but there's only so much I can handle. I lost my mum a couple of years ago in very tragic circumstances and I had a very difficult upbringing which means I am a train wreck as a result. The only thing I've ever done right is dd and I'm so fucking terrified of screwing up my parenting.

I'm not work shy. I'm not lazy. I'd do anything for my dd.

I'm just so sick of feeling like this.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 29/11/2016 10:20

She says in the OP that she didn't realise her (unreliable) ex wouldn't agree to cover that late night shift.

Which implies that not only did she interview for the job without making sure she could do it, but she accepted the job without making sure she could do it.

Which is definitely flakey behaviour. And it will look bad for her to either not take the job at this point, or ask for a change of shifts.

But it doesn't take a genius to work out that it is far more flakey to quit a job you haven't even started yet.

And yes, sometimes in a pinch (and this is a pinch) you go with the not ideal childcare scenario temporarily so you can go to work.

There are lots of ways to minimise the risks of leaving your child with a vetted and trained childcare provider that you have established a relationship with.

As crazily risky as it clearly is Hmm

FizzBombBathTime · 29/11/2016 10:22

No, it isn't a legal requirement

It is for certain jobs like working in factories actually.

Manumission · 29/11/2016 10:23

Dd has her first settling in session tomorrow at nursery in preparation for me going to work which is making me physically ill with worry because if I can't do this job then I'm sending her early (she was meant to start in jan) for no reason.

If you look at a calendar, January is only 5 weeks away. I wouldn't feel bad about that for a moment.

DoinItFine · 29/11/2016 10:23

So you have a month to find acceptable Tuesday night childcare with a non-stranger?

Then there is no problem, is there?

That is plenty of time to find childcare that fits your criteria.

Manumission · 29/11/2016 10:25

Doin lay the fuck off her. This is starting to look like obsessive harrassment.

DoinItFine · 29/11/2016 10:27

Obsessive harassment?

Like using a babysitter is teaching your child you don't love them?

Any chance you will be getting some perspective for Christmas?

Original poster
harveyyspecter · 29/11/2016 10:27

Like I said, I won't be leaving dd with anyone who isn't family or friends even if they're a modern day Mary fucking Poppins. It's just not going to happen.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 29/11/2016 10:28

I agree with Doin on a few points re work behaviour.

If you take a job you should do it on the certainty that you can get there, have child care (if you have children), can afford fares etc. These are the sort of questions you should yourself on going for interview or accepting the job. If you can't fulfil them or have doubts then don't accept the job!

My last job a year ago, I knew it was a long and tricky commute but doable so asked for and got flexible start/finish times. I always made the time up if I was late. When Southern Trains handily cut about half their trains in early summer and this seriously affected the amount of people travelling to my work station I immediately told my bosses so they were aware it was difficult. When Southern Trains reinstated the trains I told them this again. My situation was helped by one of my bosses travelling into the same station using the same train line but from the opposite direction. I was told they appreciated my honesty and ways to work round the travel problem. Coupled with the fact that I'm a good worker this helped to cement my position as a valued worker.

So I do agree with Doin to some degree because if there are ifs and buts about childcare then don't mess your new employer about or tell them so they can decide whether to employ you or not!

MrsNuckyThompson · 29/11/2016 10:28

I'm amazed you would bother going to an interview and accept a job without being absolutely sure that you have the cover you need.

Of course you can't just start the job knowing full well that you can't do the shifts required!! As PPs have said, you need to contact the Company immediately explain that there has been a 'change of circumstances' meaning that you can no longer commit to that one evening shift, and offering them any alternative that you can accommodate. Obviously if it doesn't work out you will have to pull out.

Manumission · 29/11/2016 10:29

Like using a babysitter is teaching your child you don't love them?

WTF? Are you hallucinating now?

Has anyone on the thread said any such thing? Hmm Confused

SuperFlyHigh · 29/11/2016 10:30

OP - suppose there was an emergency and family and friends could not mind DD but a childminder you got to know at a local school and who got to know your DD enough was available, would you use them?

mogloveseggs · 29/11/2016 10:31

Tell them the whole story. That you thought you did have night time childcare but that your completely unreliable ex has let you down. Stress that you have reliable childcare for the daytime and you never know they might accommodate you. It's worth a try.