To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

It's a bit unprofessional of the teacher (both the bringing up his father and the shouting at them for something that wasn't their fault instead of the things they were responsible for), but it's not really an issue worth doing much more than shrugging your shoulders over is it. Your DS is going to feel the effects of his father's actions. He will get the good bits (changed behaviour by the school for issues your DH has brought up that they should address) as well as the less good bits (feeling embarrassed that his dad was mentioned in front of his friends and having the teacher be a bit less forgiving than she otherwise might). To be honest, if it made the teacher irate over something she was being a bit unreasonable over, your DH's complaints are probably somewhat effective, though also, obviously, also annoying people who probably have a lot on their plates.

Oh, I totally can, Carmen, I've been through all this with DS. I've told him he must apologise tomorrow for interrupting.

If the teacher had just given him a bit of a verbal pasting for answering back I'd be fine, happy with how it was handled, I just feel mentioning DH was a bit unfair.

Don't worry about your DH being brought into it, op. Just send him in tomorrow to complain...

Anyway, what I would suggest is asking the teacher what exactly happened and what provoked that comment. She may have a different recollection of events to that of your DS. I'm sure you don't intend to go steaming in with a complaint without checking her side of the story. Nor do I think you should let your DH do this. Just ask her what she said and what your son said.

No, Flogging, I think he was trying to be helpful by explaining they hadn't made the mess. He is only nine and I think in his mind he was trying to help the teacher "catch the culprit(s)".

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I think he was more than likely trying to help himself out of trouble by saying he didn't do it, rather than helping the teacher out.

Only nine is plenty old enough to know that he shouldn't be where he was at lunch time and if he followed those rules he'd not be in trouble for something else.

My eldest pupils are 7 and they'd be plenty old enough to know that a quick denial is more likely to get yourself out of trouble than misguidedly help the teacher!

Another good reason why your cheeky son should not be where he wasnt supposed to be, then he would not unfairly or otherwise be blamed for mess.
You only have his word for the mess not being theirs, and you only have his word that he did not threaten to get his dad involved. How much do you trust him after he was caught somewhere he should not be?

You know what people do when they are literally caught with their pants down? They lie. They lie to minimize what they have done, and will only admit to the bare minimum of what they think they can get away with.

It may have been a bit of an unprofessional comment from the teacher but it does sound as though she was at the end of her tether and teachers are only human.

Am not sure why you're posting though OP - were you expecting people to advise you to go and complain?

Just leave this one. The teacher is probably dreading another meeting with your husband. Give her a nice pre-Christmas surprise eh and let this one go.

I really wouldn't do as Trifle advises -asking the teacher for her side of the story tomorrow. Cringeworthy & embarrassing.
Leave it.
When you have / work with children, it isn't unusual to be presented with a load of all cobblers about events which cast them in an iffy light. Surely you've learnt that by now?

at least he is engaged and involved on our child's learning

Yes, I'm sure thats what the school think too...

MulberryBush12: The OP is perfectly entitled to clarify events with the teacher. I am a teacher and yes, I would probably see it as a waste of my time, but if she wants to know what went on she needs to ask.

I think she should definitely ask.

I imagine the teacher's version will be slightly different to our No Angel But's version. They usually are.

I also think it's unlikely the teacher just responded with a comment about you DH out of context, but I wouldn't be worrried either way, and I don't think it means your DS is a PITA, but that your DH may be doing him a disservice by running up and down to the school. I'd leave it alone, get DS to apologise and go on your way :)

Look, in five years and nearly a term, DS once was somewhere he shouldn't have been.

I am not condoning his actions but nor do I think it is compelling evidence he is a "wrongun."

To be honest, the impression I'm left with is that the school don't like DH (fine) and have used it as a way to be unpleasant to a nine year old.

I don't think they're using it as an excuse to be mean to your DS, I think he was treated as any other pupil in the same situation would be treated. You lose sympathy when you try and blame the teachers prejudice

I hope the teacher made them clean up the mess.

Trifle
I'm aware of that thanks-common sense & all
Why fuel this nonsensical issue? Do you not have enough to be getting on with during the day?
Mind you the DH has a reputation already, so nothing to lose there !

I would willingly bet that it was no coincidence that the room these boys were in (which they shouldn't have been in) was in a mess because THEY MADE THE MESS. The mess didn't make itself.

Children can be very economical with the truth if they think it will land them in hot water.

It sounds as though both your DS and your DH have reputations which always precede them.

I suspect backstory then. If your child has never been in trouble why on earth is your DH blacklisted to the point where teachers are grumpy with DS?

Victim of bullying / poor teaching or Daily Mail sad face wrong shoes or haircut?

MulberryBush12: Actually no, I am 38 weeks pregnant so I am bored to death! But that's not why I suggested that she ask the question. She is clearly bothered that the teacher spoke to her DS about her DH, but I strongly suspect she will understand why once she speaks to the teacher (it seems likely to me that the DS did say something about his dad, and I think she needs to know her son is being less than honest with her).

Anyway, there is room for more than one opinion here, it's a comment board.

I don't think I was overly traumatized by my school experience, but one thing that has affected me and makes me think about it to this day is being blamed for something I didn't do. And being completely helpless, feeling sidelined because what you said didn't count, and you were not allowed to open your mouth to defend yourself.

So when I come on mumsnet and read that a 9 year old needs to accept and suck it up. SMH. It depresses me a little more.

I would say both parties made a mistake but one was an adult. I'd allow it this time.

B

VintagePerfumista: Exactly!

Okay Topsey, so if DS has got a bad reputation, why haven't I once been made aware of it in the five years and a term he has attended the school?

OP your DS is getting a harder time because of your nightmare DH. And to teachers it sounds like that's what he is, a nightmare and a headache. You have said yourself you don't think all of his complaints are justified. Do you think teaching staff have the time or inclination to respond to regular and unjustified mistakes? Maybe the teacher thinks "nightmare dad this kid is going to be a menace" and automatically (not fairly) your son is tarred with that brush because of your husband's behaviour.

It's good this happened. You knew your husband was pissing off the school, now its embarrassing your son. Tell your husband what happened and tell him he sounds like an entitled embarrassment and needs to get a grip or your son will end up resenting his interference. Unless of course your son plays him and riles him up to go into school and fight his playground battles?

Either way I don't think what the teacher said was wrong- very enlightening for you and your husband though.

you can bring your dad in, I don't care' is a response to something. Not a sentence that would be said without reference to the dad first.

Unless OP's DH going in and constantly kicking off about minor things is so regular an occurrence that the teacher anticipates it for daring to tell his son off.