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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

838 replies

burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 15:50

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 28/11/2016 17:20

That sounds like a response to something.

And frankly if you're now trying to "work it" so your son doesn't tell your dh then you've got bigger problems than a teacher using the wrong language when telling off your son!

borntohula · 28/11/2016 17:20

ffs some of you lot are really speculating here...

CockacidalManiac · 28/11/2016 17:21

I'm not a teacher, but this is really a fuss about nothing.
Another one who wants to know why your husband is always up the school.

CinderellaRockefeller · 28/11/2016 17:22

Everyone is asking but what is it you DH is going in about? What is he saying and how is he saying it?

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 17:23

Chickenowner absolutely not Shock

I don't agree with a lot of DHs complaints but on the whole, at least he is engaged and involved on our child's learning.

DS was somewhere he shouldn't have been. I agree, this was wrong, but it's hardly world war three. I don't think he intended to argue - I think he genuinely was trying to be helpful. And honestly, I know that children aren't saints or Angels, but there is pretty much no chance DS came back with 'I'll tell my dad.' He just wouldn't.

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kaitlinktm · 28/11/2016 17:24

Like Chickenowner - I also have said similar, in response to a pupil's "threat" to bring in a parent to "sort me out". I remember saying to one of them "PLEASE ask your mum to come in, I would be delighted to see her - can she come after school tomorrow?" I have never said it unless it was in response although if a child often makes the Dad threat, I can see how a teacher at the end of his/her tether might preempt this by getting his reply in first.

I have also been screamed at by fathers telling me I was the only one who had a problem with their teenage son. (Wonder why he was on all-school report then?) To be fair the son himself (who was a likeable rogue really, but he couldn't be allowed to get away with stuff) apologised for his father the next day and seemed embarrassed by him. If this is the case with your son then I sympathise with him.

Bbee · 28/11/2016 17:24

I've witnessed such an outburst from a teacher. They were mortified and my only thought was they are only human. Some would do well to remember it. If my child were in the wrong I would expect them to apologise and I expect the same from a teacher as it would set a very good example.

Floggingmolly · 28/11/2016 17:24

What sort of stuff does your DH go in to whine about? He sounds like a prize prat, and you seem almost proud of him having made "a bit of a name for himself!" It's not a badge of honour, you know?
Quite the reverse...

FloodMud · 28/11/2016 17:25

ffs some of you lot are really speculating here..

I'm guessing a lot of people here know exactly what the "always up the school" types are like.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 17:26

Oh, there have been a few things he's complained about, always politely and out of context make little sense. We were separated for a while and he made a fuss about relevant letters only going to me rather than both parents. He complained about DS being sat with children who were giving him a hard time, about a teacher throwing a tray across the room (that one was definitely justified!) and about a teacher gossiping. A lot of them were justified to be fair.

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pinkdelight · 28/11/2016 17:26

The way a PP laid it out:

"Boys somewhere they shouldn't have been.
Teacher came in and shouted (fine) and told them off about the mess.
DS started to say 'we didn't make the mess, it was already there when we came in,'
Teacher starts shouting again and says to DS 'you can bring your dad in, I don't care!'"

There definitely feels to be a beat missing. In that vague bit about the teacher shouting and saying the dad comment. Certainly feels like something else must have been said to bring the dad into the frame.

Trifleorbust · 28/11/2016 17:26

DS was somewhere he shouldn't have been. I agree, this was wrong, but it's hardly world war three. I don't think he intended to argue - I think he genuinely was trying to be helpful. And honestly, I know that children aren't saints or Angels, but there is pretty much no chance DS came back with 'I'll tell my dad.' He just wouldn't.

I'm sorry but inwardly I roll my eyes when I hear the 'He's no angel but...' No-one expects him to grow wings and a halo. But he was arguing with and interrupting the teacher after being found where he knew he shouldn't have been. Of course it isn't WW3 but where has it been treated as if it is?

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 17:27

I'm really, REALLY not Flogging

At all.

But there's also a lot of projection here. My DH has NEVER yelled or "got in the teachers faces" (he's always been polite) and I've never had any concerns raised re my child's behaviour.

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Floggingmolly · 28/11/2016 17:27

Jesus, you're all excuses for your son too! He couldn't have been somewhere he knew he wasn't supposed to be, whilst simultaneously genuinely trying to be helpful.
Listen to yourself Hmm

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 17:29

Yes, but Trifle, some are presenting it as some sort of deep seated attitude problem my child has which I don't think is the case at all. I have pointed out to him it must be incredibly bloody annoying (not quite using those words!) for teachers to spend their lunch time chucking kids out of classrooms, and obviously if she's gone in and there's a load of rubbish, what is she going to think?

I am happy for him to get a bollocking but I don't like the subtext here - we don't like your dad, so we'll give YOU a hard time. I'm a bit sensitive to that though.

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chickenowner · 28/11/2016 17:29

Being engaged and involved (with) our child's learning is absolutely NOT the same as complaining over and over again about every little thing.

I see that you are shocked with my suggestion that your husband shouts at or threatens teachers. This happens more often that you may believe, and happens in the nicest, high achieving schools in so-called 'middle class' areas.

Are you absolutely sure he doesn't do this? Maybe ask a member of staff rather than your husband.

PterodactylToenails · 28/11/2016 17:30

Obviously a lot of teachers on here. A parent has every right to complain about issues if they aren't happy with things at school and it should never reflect on the pupil. I think the teacher was unprofessional and I would be querying this and if she doesn't like it then she shouldn't have been unprofessional in the first place. I also find it really strange that a lot of people on here don't seem to trust the things their children say? My 9 year old is usually spot on word for word when he relays something back to me especially when he is passing on a message from his teacher. Hmm

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 17:30

No, Flogging, I think he was trying to be helpful by explaining they hadn't made the mess. He is only nine and I think in his mind he was trying to help the teacher "catch the culprit(s)".

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borntohula · 28/11/2016 17:31

FloodMud, you're probably right but i think it's a bit unfair to assume that the kid is a spoilt little shit based on the one instance of naughty behaviour that we know about.

Cosmicglitterpug · 28/11/2016 17:31

pinkdelight sounds about right. The conversation doesn't scan. I'm a teacher and have said on more than one occasion to a child 'to send their parent/s in to discuss it with me', when faced with cheek or bad behaviour. The teacher might have referenced dad if he's the port of call more than mum.

MulberryBush12 · 28/11/2016 17:31

DS was somewhere he shouldn't have been. I agree, this was wrong, but it's hardly world war three
By the same token, nor is the teacher's alleged response world war 3!
It's no big deal -stop fussing OP.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 17:32

I am positive, chickens.

He has complained, and sometimes these complaints have been justified but where I'd be inclined to quietly ask 'look, could you move DS away from X and Y because they are upsetting him a bit?' DH would be more inclined to demand a meeting and treat the whole thing needlessly formally.

I'm not excusing him - he can be an arrogant twat and honestly I have TOLD him to let me sort it - but I promise, he wouldn't ever shout or get aggressive with a teacher. More likely to bore them to death :)

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Carmen1983 · 28/11/2016 17:32

You said 'nothing hugely major' which basically means not a big deal and your whole focus is on the teacher (who probably just wanted a peaceful lunch break) and not the fact your son was in the wrong place. It is major to the teacher whose room is full of rubbish and kids messing around. Surely you can see why the teacher would feel so irate after knowing that this child's father is constantly complaining!

Trifleorbust · 28/11/2016 17:33

Maybe, OP, but I think you are getting these responses because a) you are being evasive about the reasons your DH is constantly going up to the school and b) your son was indeed talking back to the teacher (interrupting) so there is more than a chance this isn't the first time, given the evident frustration in her response.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 17:33

If my DS is being a shit at school, I would want to know, and we would support the school 100%, but I have never got this impression of him from them. I think he misjudged the situation today and he was rightly told off for it. I just don't think DH should have been brought into it.

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