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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

838 replies

burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 15:50

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 01/12/2016 08:53

Your DH is incredibly lucky to have you, Burgundy, as well he knows it (deep down - bet he'd never admit it to you).

You deserve so, so much better. As does your DS who, by your own description, sounds like a lovely boy.

Wishing you both well as you navigate your life with this man. Flowers

crashdoll · 01/12/2016 09:28

Burgundy I hope you are ok. There have been some disgusting posts on this thread since yesterday. You're clearly trying to help your son not be punished or to suffer because of your H's behaviour. You sound very reasonable and level headed. Take care of yourself.

VintagePerfumista · 01/12/2016 09:44

Oh love, I think he is worse outside the household, because inside it, people walk on eggshells to keep him happy. Out there, they don't.

What was his reaction to the initial incident and what did he say after you went into school? (was on the thread earlier this week before you went in) Did he want you to go in?

Flowers you have been so downtrodden by this man, you no longer know what normal is. But you know what? I bet you'd be the stronger one if you kicked him into touch. I bet he'd be the one weeping and wailing and begging to be let back.

To those saying her marriage is nothing to do with the subject of the thread. It's everything to do with it, because if her marriage weren't like it is, to the man that he is, then none of this (fairly innocent) little tale would have happened. Sad

ThanksSpanx · 01/12/2016 10:06

OP I hope you have the strength to leave him one day and live the life you and your DC deserve. It's entirely within your power to one day have a DH who would respond 'have a lovely time, enjoy a glass of wine or two'!' when you've planned a lunch out with a friend. That is what you deserve.

JigglyTuff · 01/12/2016 10:43

Oh Burgundy - what a terribly sad post. I think you sound like a lovely woman, a great mum with an impressive level of self-awareness. While you might not have had good parenting modeled, you are shielding your children as best you can.

You are very brave not to have walked away from the thread - it must have been hard reading but I also hope that you have gained something. Have you considered doing therapy? I think it might help you to disentangle this stuff and uncover the self-esteem and strength to realise you and your children don't need to put up with this. You have one life - this is not the way to live it IMO.

Flowers Flowers

anon1900s · 01/12/2016 11:12

If your husband has a problem then it's up to him to complain, he has his standards and you shouldn't be discouraging him. Childrens education is important and it sounds like he cares a lot more than you tbh.

Don't tell your son to keep secrets from his dad, this is a VERY VERY bad idea. Your husband has as much right to know what's going on with his son as you do.

Ps I don't have time to be reading anyone else's replies so sorry if I've missed updates.

Roussette · 01/12/2016 13:31

You've not missed updates anon, you've basically missed the whole point of the thread. Especially with your first paragraph.

Textmergency · 01/12/2016 15:02

Burgundy, I'm sorry that things are so complicated and difficult for you. Out of interest, is your younger child a girl? Is that why you suspect he won't be so involved in their education?

Xenophile · 01/12/2016 15:40

Hi OP, I've been reading but haven't commented this far however your last post really touched me.

I hope you manage to do what's best for you and your children, I quite understand your reluctance to leave/give him the boot it's hard when, as you say, he knows how to get inside your head.

Take care.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 16:08

I'm more touched and moved than I can put into words with this kindness. I cannot express, honestly, how much I appreciate it.

Our youngest is a girl, yes.

Therapy - I don't know. It would be problematic on all sorts of levels, financial (I'm sure no one will be shocked to learn DH controls the finances, at this stage in the thread) and also practical - childcare related. 'Sounding off' helps to a point but really I can easily end up talking myself into circles and I'm a much better writer than I am speaker, I'm far more clear, coherent and fluid on here than I am in real life.

DH does get into my head: if it was a degree he'd have a PhD. I wish I knew how. Honestly I know - if I tried to talk to him about this, no matter how right I am, I would come out being wrong. He'd have me believing it too which is why leaving is so HARD as it is so easy to convince me I'm a terrible person who should no more have sole care of children than Rose West and I know people are probably thinking 'really Hmm' but yes, honestly.

I wish I could clear a space in my head where he isn't but he is everywhere.

OP posts:
derxa · 01/12/2016 16:51

I wish I could clear a space in my head where he isn't but he is everywhere. That's bloody awful.

Quintessing · 01/12/2016 17:01

I feel so sorry for you, having read your recent updates.

Does he let men talk, or is it just women he tries to belittle and silence?

Is he like that with you? Do you get to speak, or does he interrupt you as much as he interrupted that teacher?

Women have fought so hard to get our voices heard, and not be silenced by men in the last couple of hundred years. Working out the best way to put things across, polite and measured, so as not to cause offense, or ructions. We almost dont see that our voices, and what we have to say should be listened to equally.

You dont think he will be the same with your dds education, is it because he does not value womens learning? Do you think he will pay equal attention to your little girl, and listen to what she has to say? Or will she be cut off, silenced and belittled when she grows up and start voicing an opinon?

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 17:35
Flowers
Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 17:37

Posted too soon. I just wanted to say how difficult it is reading the last couple of pages of this thread, because so much came out that seemed to be simmering under the surface for the first couple of days. Perhaps, OP, you could leave it for a couple of days and come back to it, and look with fresh eyes at some of the ways you describe your DH and your relationship with him. You deserve better, you sound lovely and no-one should have to live in a constant state of self-doubt, worry and having to compensate for the failings of others. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 18:06

He wouldn't interrupt me like that, exactly. He just twists what I'm saying around so I'm wrong, and he's right.

OP posts:
Xenophile · 01/12/2016 18:07

If I can be of any help, please feel free to PM. I might be able to point you in the direction of people who can help you to clear that space in your head you so desperately need to be able to see things clearly.

You are being very brace facing up to it as you are.

Xenophile · 01/12/2016 18:08

*brave obviously. I doubt there are two of you!

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 18:08

Thanks, Xenophile, am intrigued ... :) Will do.

OP posts:
Quintessing · 01/12/2016 18:13

Isnt that just a way of silencing you? You dont get to convey your meaning, so in essence, you have no voice.

Will he do the same with your daughter, you reckon? How will a little girl cope with her dad doing that to her? What will it do to her personality, her well-being?

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 18:21

It's when I try to argue or fight my case, Quin. Like - this is really embarrassing, but when we first got together some of the stuff we did was a bit out there. Only a bit mind. But it was him instigating it. And then if I ever protested or said I didn't like something or even if I DID like it but just wanted "normal" sex, he'd manage to twist it as if I was the one wanting it and begging him when that really wasn't the case at all, I don't think. That's where the emotional reactions will come into it as I will ask him to do or not do something (not just sex, anything) he will make it my fault but do it in such a way that I get frustrated and end up practically weeping asking him to stop. Then he does and it's all 'ah, I'm sorry you had to get all upset' Hmm but HE made me upset!

OP posts:
ThanksSpanx · 01/12/2016 18:38

That sounds very difficult. Do you talk about any of these feelings to anyone in RL?

Quintessing · 01/12/2016 18:41

He sounds really cruel. Sorry. Sad

This is not normal behaviour.

VintagePerfumista · 01/12/2016 18:46

Keep talking to us Flowers

He's a gaslighter.

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 18:51

Really, he sounds like a horrible, abusive man. It doesn't matter whether someone makes you feel sad, frustrated, trapped etc. by shouting and screaming at you or by calmly 'reasoning' with you and making you feel like you don't know which way is up - they're still trying to control you and can't face anything other than their own way. In fact, in many ways the latter is worse because it leaves you questioning your sanity.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 19:09

I can't, Thanks

I don't have anybody I can really talk to for one thing. And I'm not brilliant at just talking. I need to have it very clear.

I don't think I'd call him cruel. But he is so determined he's always, always right. Maybe he knows deep down he's not but if he concedes even a little bit he is opening the door up to more possibilities of him being wrong.

OP posts: