To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

Well maybe Kitty, I want to disagree with you but I can't.

Seriously. That's not normal. Normal people don't behave like that.

I bet he speaks to you like that too. And you've traded an abusive family situation for your boyfriend who was there for you when you were 16 but who is abusive and deliberately cruel to others (if not you).

And you think that it's OK because you're self aware and you joke he's a dick and you disassociate from him. But your son is watching and learning. He's learning it ok to speak to people like they're shit on your shoe, just because you feel like it and you think you're better than them.

Forget the teacher and what they said to your DS. Think about what his dad says (how does he speak to waiters btw? And taxi drivers?) and how he's absorbing it from his main male role model.

I think your DS is probably a good kid. Maybe the remark upset him so much because he knows how his dad treats people isn't normal. And he's sad, embarrassed, questioning that. Hating the idea that people have noticed that his dad is not a nice, kind man.

This situation is yours to unpick if you want. But if there is no exaggeration in your report of the conversation then that is not normal. (And I work with hospital consultants who have arrogant and condescending down to an art form). He went in to pick a fight to make himself obviously superior. There was no battle being fought for DS.

Limited, I do. Don't think I condone DHs behaviour or agree with it.

He is a good kid. He's a lovely, lovely boy, kind and funny and quiet and thoughtful. He's really not the arrogant dickhead people here think he is.

I want to give you a supportive hug OP-these exchanges your DH does just can't be easy on you

Thanks for acknowledging that! They aren't!

If he's a good kid, you need to confront your DH when he is an abusive, ranting twat so your DS learns that this is not how people should behave.

Is your DH controlling at home, or just at school?

I do, nolonger, can you see from that exchange that I make it clear I disagree with him and think he's out of order?

VeryBitchyRestingFace and Burgundy - EmiliaAirheart did not call you a cunt or suggest you were being one. She refererred to 'cuntish thing to say' clearly in response to an example of what HE might say, because the only things YOU seem to be saying in that convo are 'DH' yada yada- and trying (and failing dismally) to get him to shut the fuck up ( which is no doubt what she meant when saying you come out of the exchange quite badly as well).

Just detach for a moment and try and see how over defensive you are and have a think about why. Like I said, you are lashing out at everyone else who doesn't agree with the warped reality you are choosing to believe, instead of the one you should be able to have a bloody good go at.

I hate the term 'batterered wife', but the PP saying you sound like one is right - your passive responses and defensiveness make you sound like someone who is or has been subjected to some pretty abusive behaviour for quite a while.

No, that exchange is all about him sounding off and you trying to shush him. Expressing your displeasure is taking him aside and saying, "You're behaving like an idiot, the teacher was just being nice and doing her job and you're berating her. You're embarrassing me and yourself".

Is he controlling at home as well?

Demon I'm sorry I have done my best to be really measured here but I think in your post above you are being very unfair.

I concede I may have been defensive at times, I have tried not to be but people have said some pretty horrible things about my child and honestly I KNOW they are not true. My child is nine, like all children he is annoying sometimes but if there's one thing I am confident about its that he's basically polite. He wouldn't have been rude intentionally. He just wouldn't.

However I totally refute I am "lashing out" at anybody, I have said thank you, to people I agree with and people I don't, I have listened, I have taken on board quite a lot of stuff despite listening to some very harsh comments.

In the parents evening situation, what was I supposed to do? Seriously? And I DID get him to shut up; I can handle him and I know how to get him to stfu when he goes off on one. You also obviously cannot see my face or hear my tone of voice but I am apologising all the time to the teacher in my face if not my voice.

And I did overhear a conversation once where two TAs were talking about an incident and saying they were dreading having to get parents in and I heard one say 'tell (DSs name) Mum, she won't mind, she's nice.' So presumably they have a fairly neutral opinion of me if not DH.

And I am nice, generally speaking, it took a lot for me to politely and kindly mention Monday's incident. But my child was upset.

Nolonger, I do! I just didn't do it there and then as it would have led to a bit of an argument - not ideal in the middle of a primary school parents evening! - and the objective then was to get him away from the poor teacher as quickly as possible. Like I say I know how to handle him. If you confront he just gets even more sneery but if you get him away he feels like he's won?

burgundy

Although our views may differ on some points on the thread, you have my admiration for your responses.

It's not clear though. You minimise, avoid the situation and try to pretend it's not happening.

my DH was a twat to a takeaway on the phone once. I told him that his behaviour was appalling, you don't speak to anyone like that, how would he feel if someone at work spoke to him like that when he made a mistake. I was so embarrassed and a bit disgusted, took us a while to get over it. He's not done it again.

Anyway, I think you're more self aware than you let on. You're dodging all the questions about how he treats you and your DS. You know you have a problem much bigger than a teacher.

Boney, thanks, I am repeating myself but I really DO appreciate that!

Cinderella the problem is you probably started your relationship with your DH on those terms. When I met mine it was the way he was, and it's hard then to suddenly six, seven, eight years down the line start saying 'actually you shouldn't do that.' And I know DH is far from perfect but it's pointless my trying to do anything about it as its like putting a coloured wash in at ninety degrees and everything runs into everything else, stops making any sense.

Oh bless you. Tiptoeing round someone, "handling" them, making sure that they think they've won with their appalling behaviour, covering up for them, apologising to people with little smiles because you can't say anything out loud..

Not a normal relationship. Not how it's meant to be. Not what you want your DC to think is normal.

I''m going to guess he's a lot older than you?

I keep asking this as there's been no response, but is he controlling at home as well, or just at school?

It's not pointless to do anything about it now - you are modelling adult relationships for your children.

Not a lot older. 6 years, just over.

I don't know what I'm meant to say nolonger. You would probably say so, yes.

What bit of my post do you find unfair Burgundy? Saying that I find a lot of your posts over-defensive? That isn't an insult, it's not an attack on your character, it's just my opinion of some of your responses on here. Like immediately assuming someone has called you a cunt (when they hadn't).

I can handle him and I know how to get him to stfu when he goes off on one

No - you can't, not long term, anyway. Any illusion you have of being able to 'manage' his behvaiour is just that- an illusion. And more to the point - you shouldn't have to, can't you see that? How wrong having to do that is.

And yes, how your DH behaves must have quite a horrible effect on you. You thanked a PP for acknowledging that. Who is going to acknowledge the effect it must have on your DS?

You deserve to be happy and relaxed and supported in all that you do. So do your DC.

Hope you have that. And if you don't, I hope that you find it xx

I found the "lashing out" comment unfair as I really don't think I have and if I have then I apologise.

It doesn't really impact on DS, I've done my absolute utmost to try to make sure it doesn't anyway.

Well, that's a bit shit for you, isn't it? If your "D"H is controlling at home I can see why it's important that school is a safe, neutral place for your DS though.

Thanks cinderella :)