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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

838 replies

burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 15:50

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

OP posts:
demonchilde · 30/11/2016 22:38

Burgundy Ah - I see what you are saying - my use of 'lashing out' was probably a bit strong and not the best phrase to use as none of your responses come across as aggressive, no, they are as you say measured.

I don't know - maybe quick to take offence/ asume people are having a personal dig when they aren't is a better way of putting it? I'm not feeling too hopeful though :s.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 30/11/2016 22:39

Well, I really don't think I am demon but you're putting me in an impossible position.

If I agree with you I am agreeing I'm quick to take offence. If I don't I'm lashing out

OP posts:
demonchilde · 30/11/2016 22:48

If I don't I'm lashing out

Burgundy - I just quite clearly agreed that my previous use of 'lashing out' was inappropriate, did I not?

I'm not putting you in any sort of situation- impossible or not. You are free to respond as you wish. Just as you should be able to in your marriage.

I just feel really sorry for your DS, you are choosing to be in a shit situation, he isn't. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 30/11/2016 22:51

Do you see what DH does with that teacher, no matter what she says, it's the wrong thing, it is twisted, it is not the response he wants? That's my life all the time. And you're doing it to me here now. I'm wrong no matter what I do so I stop trying to be right.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 30/11/2016 22:55

OP, I'm sure this is all hard to read but your posts are tragic.

You can handle him. You can drag him away. You can manage his behaviour...

You sound as though you're in an EA relationship and your poor son is suffering for it, too.

Trust me - his behaviour is not about taking an interest.

He's a head teacher? So where's he getting his big I am attitude from? I don't mean to disparage the job but it hardly merits that type of attitude...

He sounds like he enjoying trying to tie people up in knots.

That's really, really not ok.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 30/11/2016 22:58

No, no DH isn't a headteacher. There is a difficult parent at DSs school who is. Sorry if I confused.

OP posts:
demonchilde · 30/11/2016 23:16

Do you see what DH does with that teacher, no matter what she says, it's the wrong thing, it is twisted, it is not the response he wants? That's my life all the time. And you're doing it to me here now. I'm wrong no matter what I do so I stop trying to be right

Ah - so you do see what he's like then Burgundy. You DO realise he is abusive. He was just 'a bit arrogant' a few posts back.

But treating me like I am your victimizer is not right. Or warranted. My intentions are not malicious, HIS are. And you know that. But are powerless to say that to him, so over direct it at me and perhaps the teacher as well. That isn't going to be an appropriate coping mechanism long term, you know.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 30/11/2016 23:20

You're wrong, and you are twisting what I am saying.

OP posts:
slenderisthenight · 30/11/2016 23:50

demon If anyone is lashing out, it's you. I think you need to detach - if you want to help, that isn't the way to do it. You're sounding a bit like what you're accusing this man of being. No one ever bullied anyone out of an abusive relationship of any sort. My question to the OP was genuine BTW and nothing to do with you.

You are out of line. I agree with the OP and others who have hinted at it.

slenderisthenight · 30/11/2016 23:51

And the way burgundy is dealing with you is patient, calm, rational and measured. It's not indicative of poor coping strategies.

mrscarrotironfoundersson · 30/11/2016 23:57

Wow, and we get upset when news outlets like DM run articles saying MN is like circling vultures or Matthew Wright prick says we're harridans.

Seriously, just because the OP isn't going to change her mind on this doesn't mean you can tear her marriage to shreds. I'm pretty sure she knows the situation better than you. This post is a 2 hour snapshot into someones home - that's all!

slenderisthenight · 01/12/2016 00:00

OP when you described the parent teaching interview incident, that was more adversarial than I'd imagined. I had thought of someone who only genuinely wanted to help his son and used this approach in vaguely appropriate situations.

I grew up with an academic for a father. They can be ruthless about human feelings if they are trying to get to the truth of the matter - it can make people feel intimidated but it's not meant that way at all - and in fact is completely unrelational. I'd imagined your DH working in a similar style.

It sounds more like this is more like your DP's general approach to people and he needs an excuse to get in there, rather than a genuine concern. That suggests emotional game playing to me and would be much more pervasive than it seemed at first. Everyone has a button that if you pushed it, you'd see the worst of them. But it seems that perhaps you don't need to push a button with him - that he may be like this to a greater or lesser amount most of the time.

I don't know what your relationship with him is really like but I do think you have fire and clarity which you can bring to this if you need to.If you cannot talk, there is a problem. Can you find a way?

mrscarrotironfoundersson · 01/12/2016 00:00

demon u ok hun? Hmm

Sounds like you've got some issues of your own.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/12/2016 00:01

"Good work OP. The teachers really will hate your kid now."

Are there really teachers who will hate a child for something that is not their fault? How is this boy supposed to make his dad behave better in his interactions with the school?

"For full (!!) closure OP, please could you clarify whether what the teacher said was prompted or unprompted??
i.e. Did your DS mention DF will come to school during his helpfulness re mess??"

Somerset - I am sorry, but if you had actually RTFT, you would have seen the OP's account of her meeting with the teacher:

"I just said that I believed there had been a small incident yesterday, and made DS apologise. I then sent him out and said that DS had claimed he had been told to bring his dad in. Teacher said yes, she'd had discussions (in other words altercations) with DH previously. I sympathised with her grin but explained it had come over to DS in the way described here. She agreed she could see how it could be interpreted like that. We wished one another good days. That was it."

If the OP's son had said anything to 'prompt' the teacher's comment, the teacher didn't mention it to the OP, did she.

slenderisthenight · 01/12/2016 00:04

People can be really mean sometimes, even in a good cause. It's depressing.

OP, if you want to think this through further on a thread, please start a new thread and perhaps change your username. There will be lots of support.

demonchilde · 01/12/2016 01:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 06:36

Again, you are putting me in a position where I apparently can't deny ("I don't care, btw, that you will deny this") - well I DO as I don't know what you mean - DH isn't physically violent, isn't sexually violent and what issues with a previous teacher? - but you have stated it in a way that since you 'know' I will deny it, when I do, as its wrong, it looks like you knew this all along.

So was that the whole point of your contributions? To try and get me to admit something that wasn't true so you could tear into me? Why? Why didn't you just say in the first place instead of acting like you wanted to help?

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 01/12/2016 07:12

demon your responses are completely over the top, I think you need to step back from this thread.

OP came on here as she was exasperated by her DH's dickish behaviour, both parents seem a bit over involved and quick to approach teachers (by other people's standards) people told her that, she reflected on it, but decided to stand by her belief. It seems as if she and the teacher have had a productive discussion.

Not sure how you've now pegged her DH as an abuser who is putting her family in danger?

mrscarrotironfoundersson · 01/12/2016 07:26

Last year demon took a similar stance with another poster who she cleary thinks is you. It ended badly. Fwiw I think demon comes from a good place of having had a history of abuse and she's trying to empower badly others to seek help. I agree demon that abuse of any kind should not be tolerated but this is the OPs life and DH, she knows it better than you do.

slenderisthenight · 01/12/2016 07:50

I've reported your post demon. You're bullying.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 07:58

Well, look, the last thing I want is bad feeling here.

Demon - I can understand why you are concerned re abuse. I can very confidently say DH has never hit or sexually abused the children. He was hit a LOT as a child, and even as an adolescent until he started standing up for himself.

None of the above means he is a saint in the home. Believe me I am WELL aware of his faults and failings and as for future in the marriage, I really really don't know. I will be totally honest and say I am aware he can get in my head, he can make me think things are a certain way even though they are not but knowing they are not that way isn't helpful when it's just him and me. Last week I met a friend for lunch and some Christmas shopping, he had a strop about it, and said 'she (friend) probably doesn't want to meet you anyway, she probably feels sorry for you.' It's indicative that I've come a long way as I thought 'twat' and went to visit my friend anyway. Five years ago I'd have started crying, cancelled, he'd have been the big I am reassuring me and I'd have stayed home thinking I was oh so lucky to have a loving husband Hmm I can 'see' him now but my vision is still blurry.

However, what I'm trying to explain is getting him to leave is a tiny tiny tip of the iceberg. He is more controlling, abusive and an all round pain in the fucking arse OUTSIDE the home than he is in it.

The above doesn't mean kicking him out is never on the cards but some days I feel strong and others he can make me feel so fragile and weak and like he can (emotionally) break me. I do try, I'm not perfect myself, but if I try to do too much too soon then I end up falling on my face and he's right there to pick me up, of course. So I have to tread very carefully here.

I hope that clarifies some stuff. Some of it's really hard to explain and especially when I'm not totally sure with my own feelings. But it is slow. It has to be.

My children love and trust me, they aren't scared of me, we laugh together, we play, we talk. As you can see from this thread, I don't have great role models of my own for parenting which makes me frightened in some ways but I really do love them and I might not be perfect but I need to make decisions that are rational and calm because that's when I'm strong. When I just go off emotion ("you BASTARD!") he wins. He can't win this time.

I wish you all well.

OP posts:
Roussette · 01/12/2016 08:18

burgundy I feel for you, what a brave post. It sort of puts things into context.

I'm not sure what to say, he does sound awful and you know deep down it isnt what a marriage should be like.

What you have is not what a marriage should be like. You can't go through life thinking 'arse', 'twat', 'wanker' (I made the wanker bit up, you haven't said that YET!). You are a person in your own right and you can live your life as you wish and a negative sniping husband in the background must be so draining and awful. I can't imagine it because my marriage is not anything like this but I have an ex from decades ago who very much reminds me of your DH. He always had to be right, I can imagine him talking to teachers like the conversation yours had. When we were together (not for long thank God) he spent all his time trying to get one over on me, to prove he was right, to catch me out, to point out I was wrong, to nitpick and correct me. All I will say is Burgundy this is no way to live.

I'll leave it at that and hope that you have the strength to protect your children and make a good life for yourself, you sound a lovely if browbeaten woman. Good luck.

malika54 · 01/12/2016 08:25

I stopped reading by page 10. Yabu. 99% of posters are telling you this but you won't listen.
Your husband sounds contemptuous, rude and unpleasant. Nobody should have to put up with his twattish behaviour in a professional environment.
I wish you every luck for when your son turns into a teenager, because he will use and manipulate his dad's temper to try and get out of trouble at school.

MudCity · 01/12/2016 08:27
Flowers

Keep strong OP. Look after yourself and your children.

MrsDustyBusty · 01/12/2016 08:49

Burgundy, your last post was difficult and upsetting to read. I don't want to be harsh or unpleasant, but if I recall correctly, you mentioned that you started your relationship when you were 16 and he was 24? I'd just say, he does sound like the kind of person who would be interested in a relationship with an inexperienced person who could be dominated and manipulated.

You aren't totally bound by your teenage choices and I understand that you found him even worse when he left, but you don't have to tolerate that either. Just bear it in mind. You don't have to stick with him if you don't want to.