To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

Oh I see! Silly me, you've identified me, the Head and the school have you? Right.

In marriages we all act like dicks sometimes and I think lots of people overreact to day-to-day stuff about their DCs. However, it should be ok to say to your DH or DW, "Stop it, you're acting like a dick about this, just leave it alone". Your DH's postulated reaction is completely over the top and there will be more school related issues to come, inevitably. It's concerning that you can't talk to him about school related stuff and he sounds like a bully.

Is he a bully about other stuff or just school?

I think you probably made the wrong decision. But it's your life.

Bloody sad thread really

I do wonder about the OP's responses. She seema breezily detached from her DH's behaviour and almost fatalistic about it - 'he wouldn't think, how silly of me'; 'what good would getting annoyed with my husband do?'.

My DH and I always try to present ourselves as a united front even when I know he's being an utter arse especially to our children. It can't be good for the OP's DS to pick up on that - which, as his reaction to telling his mum and not the dad, suggests that he already has.

Yes, we have more than one child. Not school age yet.

Do you think similar behaviour is on the cards with the next one?

Or are you hoping he'll have calmed down by then?

It seems a really sad situation for you, OP. He should be your partner and support, not someone you have to manage.

He's not a bully. I will never leave him. I love him. He's a good man, a good person. This is all making me really sad that he's shown an active involvement in our sons education albeit misguided at times but some of this is making teachers out to be touchy beyond the point of reasonableness. You've seen some of the bad things here, not the amazing things.

Limited I was abused by my mum for years. She would call me hideous names and say the most awful stuff about me. I can hear every word now loud and clear.

I loved my dad, but he only ever stuck up for me twice, I think. I find that difficult to forgive. So no I won't present a united front if I feel my husband is wrong.

Plus, I think contempt is a real relationship killer. When DH is acting like a dick and I tell him it stops it building up inside - if he was ranting and raving and I just had to internalise it I'd lose all respect for him.

And no, I can't imagine he'll be quite as overbearing about the next ones education.

I am sorry to hear that OP. But I think you miss my point. Your point that you don't see the point in getting annoyed with him suggests you are accepting his behaviour and not adequately challenging him about it. However you can still do this and present a united front (where you have your say too!) as a parental unit to school and your children.

touchy beyond the point of reasonableness Nobody claimed teachers (in general) could be described as such. But it certainly sounds like your DH...

To me united front just means I won't say you're wrong in front of the children but sometimes you have to. In my opinion of course.

Maybe flogging but DH has a code of conduct he has to abide by at work and so do teachers, they should not be taking it out on DS that his dad is an arse. That's all the threads about really.

I think some people are really enjoying sticking the boot in. OP has been polite, calm and reasonable in the face of criticism and downright rudeness. I don't agree with her stance but she hasn't deserved some of the posts on here.

Thanks crash I really do appreciate that.

Taking an interest in your child's education is about helping with homework, discussing what they're learning, going to various class presentations etc. Not ranting and raving and the teachers.

An assurance from the teacher does not chance the fact that this will fuck up either your DC's relationship with the school or with their father. They'll just stop telling him stuff.

He doesn't rant and rave.

You described him going on and on and on about seating plans at one meeting. Rant means "speak or shout at length in an angry or impassioned way". Sounds like a rant to me. Were the teaching staff able to cut him off?

He wasn't ranting, you've taken what you wanted from that. Because you've decided he's a horrible man.

I don't think this thread is going to achieve anything more for you, OP. A narrative has been created and IMO that's pretty much set in stone on a thread. Unless you can divulge that he walked back into a burning house to save your kittens, there is nothing you can do to convey that people are complex.

To be fair, you've called him a twat a million times on the thread. No one feels like saying he's a good guy now. No one's objective now. And don't feel sad about opinions on mumsnet. That's like reading the Daily Mail and deciding the country's gone to the dogs.

You're saying that the teachers shouldn't punish ds for his dad being an arse. True.

However, your dh also needs to stop punishing teachers because he is an arse.

I'm a secondary school teacher. I have no problem at all with parents asking me politely what happened. Teenagers bend the truth

I feel pretty sad reading this thread for pretty much everyone involved. The child will be mortified if dad does this when he's older. Dad (I think) has anxiety issues around child's education (he could def go about managing this better). And then there's the OP.

I hear that you love him. I also hear that you're exasperated by his reactions, even though you understand why he reacts this way. You know your husband far, far better than I could ever glean from a few lines. I think you are hearing some uncomfortable truths from this thread, but again I am just supposing.

I think the teacher is human and made a mistake. If you'd had that conversation with me, if have chastised myself that I'd upset someone (it was very probably a throw away comment) probably more than you intended. No teacher I know ever wants to upset kids or parents.

I hope you do whatever is right for you and your child. I'd also leave this thread now personally, as your issue is resolved and you're getting unsolicited advice (including from me!)

I don't know if he's a horrible man or not but he doesn't treat the school very well, and you know this and hide stuff from him. You can have "polite words" with the school all you like but teachers aren't going to be volunteering to teach your DC. Still, it sounds like you've normalised this as just "Who he is". What the majority of posters of this thread have emphasised is that this is not normal, this is not "being involved" and this is not helpful to your DC.

I probably won't be able to find the words and will end up confusing myself. I love him. I don't think I would ever leave him. I don't know what I expect but things do happen sometimes that can be quite subtle and it's nothing awful, but they build up and build up. When we first got together I was very young and so he was the one in charge, and I think I liked that. The dynamics changed after we had children.

Where DS is concerned, and the school, my DH is incredibly clever and he does like to show it and he can sometimes laud the whole 'I'm a big important person with a big important job' a bit. And yes, I have told him to cut it out, but he just says 'well, they have to be told.' And sometimes he's right, like with the tray incident. But that was a supply teacher and the schools response was totally appropriate and proportionate but rather than use that as a 'well, we trust the school to do the right thing' he acts as if they wouldn't have done the right thing if he hadn't been banging on.

And I don't think it's a good thing to assume that because DH will get in there I must be the meek mild passive one.

What was the tray incident, when they needed a big clever man with an important job like your DH to set them straight?