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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to take DSD home?

197 replies

whitless · 27/11/2016 18:47

So a bit of back story to this..
DP and ex had a fairly messy brake up and their DD was only a small baby. They have a mutual agreement to share DD.

I met DP when (now my) DSD was just under 1. So I've known her and looked after her for over a year. She is now nearly 3.

DP and I now live together and have a DS( 5 months old).

Now the problem..

DP agreed to have DSD this weekend before he'd got his work rota, and he has now had to work this weekend. This left me on my own for 2 full days with DSD and DS. This isn't usually a problem and I don't mind as DSD is normally a lovely and sweet little girl.
But
Today she has been nasty, and generally awfully behaved. She has screamed and cried at everything, she's thrown food around and just been a terror.
So I asked DP to take her home tonight then I didn't have to have her all day tomorrow too.

DP is now saying I'm not being fair and I'm unreasonable for not wanting to look after her tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
whitless · 28/11/2016 09:04

For anyone who's said LTB one of the main reasons I haven't left is because of DSD!
I obviously just had a very bad day yesterday, DSD is still here though and is being her usual happy self again today.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitless · 28/11/2016 09:07

Frumpet
There were some very good excuses being used on his end as to why they split up.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 28/11/2016 09:19

They always have a great excuse why the first wife is a pschyo etc. It's really hard to see through these things, nobody could blame you. Just be sensible now, keep working, keep saving etc because you know you'll get no support off him if it does go pear shaped. At least you have that knowledge

FrankAndBeans · 28/11/2016 09:34

You'd be doing DSD a favour if he's as shit as a father as you say he is. He wouldn't hold it together and the mother could have more time with her.

ThereIsOneRoomLeft · 28/11/2016 09:35

Ha psycho exes! Off topic...my ex has been telling his family I have 'mental health issues', every time his mother talked to my mother she would say 'of course, you know what with TIORM's mental health...'. I'm fine (as a mentally ill person would say) there is nothing wrong with my mental health. Stress and anxiety down to the exh behaviour, yes absolutely. And I can see what spin he will put on what has happened since we split up and how he will blacken my name. I've had perfectly good reasons for all my actions. Especially as they have been in reaction to his behaviour and a need to protect the children's well being from his behaviour. Two sides to every story.

Oh and OP, 'gallivanting about in pub with new bf'. How often does dp look after your dc and dsd so you can have a break?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 28/11/2016 09:41

I don't think YABU to feel like you've had a bad day but taking her home would make you U.
I think you need to speak to your OH and say that it's not really fair on his DD to arrange to have her then spend time away at work. She needs time with both you, her dad and her sibling.

Today maybe a better day.

AgentProvocateur · 28/11/2016 10:01

Your partner sounds like a complete waste of space. Unwilling to look after his own DD, or pay maintenance... What a catch Hmm

CocktailQueen · 28/11/2016 10:07

DP and his ex have an agreement with regards to maintenance. He won't pay any and probably never will but if DSD needs anything he more likely me will buy it for her.

Shock He just gets better and better. What an arse. Vile.

ChuckGravestones · 28/11/2016 10:08

He's a winner!

He pays no maintenance and does no childcare. And you are just letting him. And paying for the pleasure.

Fuck that shit.

CarrotVan · 28/11/2016 10:27

He pays no maintenance and never will

He doesn't look after his child from a previous relationship or his child with you

He expects you to look after his child from a previous relationship without asking, at short notice, and for long periods

Would he also pay no maintenance for your child if you split up? He sounds like a shit

Blu · 28/11/2016 10:29

It's complicated, isn't it?
If he has 50/50 care (and why not? It is his dd) then he has to provide 50/50 childcare, and if he wasn't with you, or when you go back to work, he will need to pay for childcare for the working part of his 50/50 week.

This will be tricky if his working week chops and changes shift-wise.

if he pays for childcare for his dd, rather than you doing it, then that too will affect your household income. Either way, he has a responsibility and it has to get met somehow. If he reduces his parenting share down from 50/50 then he will be required to pay maintenance. Again, affecting your household income.

As it is, if he is bread-winning and supporting you, his younger dd (yours) and himself, then I think it IS fair that you do some of the childcare that enables him to do that.

I think the two of you need to sit down and work out how you can meet all responsibilities to both your children.

And he needs to sharply adjust his attitude about you 'sitting on your arse'. He needs to spend some one-to-one quality time with his dd, and also learn what it is like to have the both of them.

He could maybe reflect on the responsibility he took on when he went into having a baby with you before his first child was 2.

Work it out as a team, as adults, and don't make your DSD a football in the middle.

Good luck!

Thefishewife · 28/11/2016 10:33

DP and his ex have an agreement with regards to maintenance. He won't pay any and probably never will but if DSD needs anything he more likely me will buy it for her.

this says more about the op than anything why would you date , marry let alone have a baby with someone who's not looking after the children he already has you both sound awsome

Underthemoonlight · 28/11/2016 10:34

This is what happens when you have a child with someone you don't know well, I speak from experience my ex would describe me as having bipolar and a nutter as excuse for him cheating and doing drugs. He has since grown up and thankfully he didn't go on to have another child straight away and he pays maintenance but he has bucked his ideas up considerably but he was 21 when DS is born.

Your DP Is basically using for childcare and to pay his DD things. Why stay around it will only get worse. His DD has her mother and if he's unavailable it might be the straw that breaks the camels back and she is able to see her DD more and knock the 50/50 access on the head it's purely wants it to avoid paying maintenance.

Thefishewife · 28/11/2016 10:35

Op you are my exs girlfriend by any chance 😁 Your dh sounds like my ex

I think there both well awful and you and your dh are awful or maybe just no pride or self respect

Pisssssedofff · 28/11/2016 10:49

What I find interesting though is I said something on another forum about basically I'd kick my sons Arse if he tried the no Maintence or not seeing his kids nonsense should God forbid he end up in this situation and was called a man hating ball breaker and sympathy to my son etc. Where the hell has this attitude that you don't have to pay for your children come from, Saying that my dad didn't pay either in the 80's so it's not a new thing but Christ as women we have to stick together on this and say no more kids if they aren't paying for the first ones otherwise it will come around to bite you

timeisnotaline · 28/11/2016 11:06

Thank goodness you've seen reason, you need to print this out and keep it for the next 15 years, as what you were suggesting is not just unreasonable but horrible! I know one baby is hard enough that two small children might seem a bit much but that's just how it is.

MuseumOfCurry · 28/11/2016 15:11

Were you aware of the fact that he was not paying child support before you decided to have a child with him?

What a mess.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2016 15:35

I hope there's not another women queuing up to support him when you've had enough. Women supporting and looking after the children that feckless arseholes made.

neonrainbow · 28/11/2016 17:27

What's with all the op sounds awful posts, and asking her why did she have a baby with him? Maybe her baby wasnt planned and she didn't want to terminate? She's at the end of her tether but it's nice to see a couple of people being more helpful in the later posts not just people being cunts to you because they are just projecting their own situations onto you. I think a lot of posters are threatened by the thought that there are some bloody good stepmums out there who love their dsc and their dsc love them.

Sometimes i read threads on here and id love to ask woman why they stay with arseholes but would never dream of saying that if their dp is an arse to them that they brought it on themselves, and surely you knew what he was like before you had a baby with him and why on earth did you do it? But i don't cos I'm not a judgemental prick.

If the stepchild issue was put to one side for a moment, we have a woman who is being put upon by a man who refuses to care for his own child, belittles her contribution and doesnt value her or appear to care for her at all. But let's ignore that she could do with some help or advice and just have a pop at her because she's a stepmum and its like a pack mentality on here that stepmums are hated. The slightest hint you're finding being a stepmum difficult op and they'll turn on you. As you've found out.

Original poster
whitless · 28/11/2016 21:32

Curry no I was not aware of his situation before we got together.

He also played the doting dad whenever I met up with him and DSD (but we were always at his mums so she could help with DSD or on days out where I could step in and "bond" with DSD ) so I never realised his parenting skills before hand.

Also to those of you asking, my pregnancy was unplanned and we weren't living together then.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 28/11/2016 22:33

You can't change the past but you can protect you and your son going forward.

DixieNormas · 28/11/2016 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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