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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to take DSD home?

197 replies

whitless · 27/11/2016 18:47

So a bit of back story to this..
DP and ex had a fairly messy brake up and their DD was only a small baby. They have a mutual agreement to share DD.

I met DP when (now my) DSD was just under 1. So I've known her and looked after her for over a year. She is now nearly 3.

DP and I now live together and have a DS( 5 months old).

Now the problem..

DP agreed to have DSD this weekend before he'd got his work rota, and he has now had to work this weekend. This left me on my own for 2 full days with DSD and DS. This isn't usually a problem and I don't mind as DSD is normally a lovely and sweet little girl.
But
Today she has been nasty, and generally awfully behaved. She has screamed and cried at everything, she's thrown food around and just been a terror.
So I asked DP to take her home tonight then I didn't have to have her all day tomorrow too.

DP is now saying I'm not being fair and I'm unreasonable for not wanting to look after her tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
whitless · 27/11/2016 19:05

Rainbow
No if I even raise my voice at DSD no matter what she is doing then it causes a massive argument.

OP posts:
RockStonePebble · 27/11/2016 19:06

YABU.

She is already at home, no?

NeepNeepNeep · 27/11/2016 19:07

You're not serious are you? I mean really? Really?? Toddler tantrums are hard especially with a baby too but even so. She should stay with her mum because it will be better for her.

Original poster
whitless · 27/11/2016 19:07

Also Rainbow is right when it is just assumed I will look after DSD. I quite frequently have to cancel my plans because DP has arranged to have her then has to go to work.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 27/11/2016 19:08

She might well be fine tomorrow -she is three! Echoing others -she IS home. She isn't a bloody guest.

Pisssssedofff · 27/11/2016 19:10

It's really sad and this is why I didn't leave my ex when my kids were little I knew all this shit would go on. It's really common, really damaging and I don't know what the answer is. Well I do, the people who should be looking after the child is its parents, if dad can't/won't then he should take her back to his mums, the wicked step mum can't be trusted

franincisco · 27/11/2016 19:10

Whitless you might need to lay down some rules with your DP regarding being asked rather than being told. It does strike me that you have been there since your dsd was a baby so perhaps he has never had to look after her on his own? which must be very convenient.

Bambamrubblesmum · 27/11/2016 19:11

I don't think you are being completely unreasonable in how you feel. I have a similar age combination to you and when they're off their game boy does it make it hard work!

Can your DPs mum come round and help out? I don't think it would be right to send her back but equally your DP should arrange some support if you are struggling.

Scooby20 · 27/11/2016 19:11

You said it's not usually a problem. Now you are saying it is?

Lewwat · 27/11/2016 19:12

OP I think you should get this moved to step parenting. You might get a bit more sympathy for your situation. IMO YANBU, your DSD had come to spend a weekend with her dad, instead she is spending the weekend with you? Personally in future I would contact the mother and say sorry DP is working and not going here this weekend to see DD. Can we reschedule?

You seem to be being used as childcare

Bobsmum02 · 27/11/2016 19:12

I'm sure a 2 year old hasn't been 'nasty', all the things you describe are normally behavior for a 2 year old just having a bad day!!

OohhThatsMe · 27/11/2016 19:13

I can't believe everyone thinks you're being unreasonable! Why should you be looking after the little girl? It's her parents' job to do that. If she's not with her dad, she should be with her mum.

Original poster
whitless · 27/11/2016 19:13

Fran
This is very true he has NEVEr had to look after DD or DS on his own! He wouldn't even know how to deal with this behavior because she's always an angel for him

OP posts:
Aderyn2016 · 27/11/2016 19:13

That puts a different spin on things. He shouldn't do that to you and if he pulls that stunt regularly then I can see why you might refuse to do the childcare. But you should refuse in order to make him pull his weight, not because of your dsd iyswim

dimots · 27/11/2016 19:13

What would he do if he didn't have a partner to look after his DD when he works? He should do that. She isn't your responsibility - she is his responsibility and he should make arrangements when he works for childcare (not you if you're not willing) just like any single parent would have to.

Manumission · 27/11/2016 19:13

I have a similar age combination to you and when they're off their game boy does it make it hard work!

A 3 year old and a 5 month old on a gameboy?!

QueenOfTheWhiteWalkers · 27/11/2016 19:14

Jesus Christ! She's not even 3 yet and you're already complaining about her behaviour and trying to send her away! Shock

If she's playing up when she doesn't normally it's probably because she's coming down with something or is overtired.

Christ she's still a baby! YABVVU.

Owllady · 27/11/2016 19:15

I think you need to communicate wrt 50/50 better with your stepdaughters mum?
Are you able to talk to her?
Your dp is being a twat really.
Your toddler sd is being normal though :o

SeaCabbage · 27/11/2016 19:17

Two things for me: one, has your idiot dp ever looked after the baby and his daughter at the same time and seen that it is hard work?

Two, I think you are within your rights to insist that he is more careful about when he arranges his time with his daughter and when he is working. It seems unfair to me that he can just leave it all to you.

Owllady · 27/11/2016 19:17

Manumission, I think a comma was missed in that sentence
But Pmsl
When they are on their game, boy does it make things hard
Lol

Manumission · 27/11/2016 19:18

So maybe it wasn't a mistake about work Rita's then?

TeriyakiStirfry · 27/11/2016 19:18

I actually think YANBU. She's only a baby herself, and she's her dad's responsibility. He should be making sure that he is around for his time with her and that if he absolutely has to work and can't come to a mutually beneficial arrangement with his ex, he should then be arranging willing childcare and not just dumping her. Does her mum know that he's not actually spending the time with her he's meant to be?

Allalonenow · 27/11/2016 19:18

Well you've got a lifetime of looking after her ahead of you, and your partner seems to be taking advantage of you for free child care.

You and your partner need to sit down and work out a scheme that you are both happy with, which may mean the little girl spends more time with her mother.

Looking at the ages of the children, it could be that you have rushed headlong into this situation and are only now seeing its complexities, so you need to agree priorities with your partner, or you are going to have an unhappy few years.

Bambamrubblesmum · 27/11/2016 19:18

Manu now there's a thought, perhaps I could get them on a Wii Grin

Oh wait my two year old did that on the carpet this morning don't you love potty training Grin

Manumission · 27/11/2016 19:18

Rotas. Not sure who Rita is Blush

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