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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to take DSD home?

197 replies

whitless · 27/11/2016 18:47

So a bit of back story to this..
DP and ex had a fairly messy brake up and their DD was only a small baby. They have a mutual agreement to share DD.

I met DP when (now my) DSD was just under 1. So I've known her and looked after her for over a year. She is now nearly 3.

DP and I now live together and have a DS( 5 months old).

Now the problem..

DP agreed to have DSD this weekend before he'd got his work rota, and he has now had to work this weekend. This left me on my own for 2 full days with DSD and DS. This isn't usually a problem and I don't mind as DSD is normally a lovely and sweet little girl.
But
Today she has been nasty, and generally awfully behaved. She has screamed and cried at everything, she's thrown food around and just been a terror.
So I asked DP to take her home tonight then I didn't have to have her all day tomorrow too.

DP is now saying I'm not being fair and I'm unreasonable for not wanting to look after her tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 27/11/2016 19:36

Thank god she is too little to realise nobody fucking wants her then AngrySad

ValaMalDoran · 27/11/2016 19:36

Also if he's such a useless asshole with his
Own kids then maybe that's why she didn't even last a year with him...

Owllady · 27/11/2016 19:37

And really it doesn't matter what dsd s mum is doing if he has negotiated 50:50 but you aren't his servant

FrankAndBeans · 27/11/2016 19:37

The people asking where DSD's Mum is she's off merrily galavanting around child free and is most likely at the pub with her new boyfriend.
You sound really bitter here. Even if you palmed off DSD you would still have your own DC to look after. What ex is doing during contact time really isn't any of yours or your DP's business. It's his contact and her time to do with as she pleases. If you don't like looking after your own step daughter talk to your DP and insist he arranges contact for when he's not working. Don't punish her for being a young toddler by sending her away.

Scooby20 · 27/11/2016 19:38

Why does it matter where the child's mother is?

So what if she is 'galavanting'. She arranged for the child's father to have the child. She can do what she wants this weekend.

She isn't using you for free childcare. She arranged for the father to have the child. He is using yiu for free childcare. She hasn't got her child so can do what she wants.

CouldIHaveIt · 27/11/2016 19:38

You have a DP problem for sure.

First of all he needs telling that if he arranges to have DSD then he needs to be home to care for her UNLESS you agree to it, but it's NOT a given.

Secondly, one of you needs to talk to her Mum and ask her if he's not going to be home, would she rather have DSD with her, or you. I honestly feel this should be her choice. No reflection on you at all. Just I know many Mums who hate their DC being away from them so often, but suck it up because they're separated and the children want to be with their Dad's too, but so farm the DC aren't with their Dad so it's pointless. On the other hand some Mum's (understandably) make plans for the time their DC are in Dad's care and expect him to organise childcare if he can't look after them himself. Both views are totally valid, but I think it should important to know how the Mum feels (or the Dad in other situations).

This disorganised shared care is fine if ALL parties are happy, but you aren't, so it needs to be sorted out and AGREED by ALL of you. Not just arranged between them and you have to suck it up.

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2016 19:38

Yanbu at all. I'm still traumatised from the toddler years, they are a special kind of hell. No way would I do full days looking after someone else's kid, stepmother or not.

When she's older and more reasonable maybe then you can take on the 'real mum' role that posters here seem to want.

I'm pretty sure if the actual real mum was to post 'my ex takes our two year old for weekends then fucks off to work leaving her with his girlfriend all day' we'd see a very different response.

Bambamrubblesmum · 27/11/2016 19:38

Burn Rita that's the answer here.

7SunshineSeven7 · 27/11/2016 19:38

Um why does it matter what the mum is doing during her childfree time while your DH has his contact hours? Its not her fault that your husband is working while you're left with the kid.

She's keeping her side of things by letting him have her, its his choice how he spends the time with the kid, it just happens he's being a dick and not spending the time with his DD.

Owllady · 27/11/2016 19:39

A 3 year old is a baby! Goodness me

FrankAndBeans · 27/11/2016 19:39

Well there's step parenting, and then there's being used for free childcare for a badly behaved child that you're not allowed to tell off or discipline in any way. If this was, for example, your niece, and your sister dumped her on you and expected you to look after a badly behaved child because she was working but you weren't allowed to tell her off at all, then you'd have got VERY different responses.
It's not her niece though, it's a toddler who's life she has been in since she WAS a baby. Completely different to babysitting a niece.

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 27/11/2016 19:40

All else aside, what her mum is doing in the fathers contact time is irrelevant. Your DP is allowed to go drinking with you when DSD is with mum, no?? It's him using you for childcare, not her.

WorraLiberty · 27/11/2016 19:40

The people asking where DSD's Mum is she's off merrily galavanting around child free and is most likely at the pub with her new boyfriend.

Hahaha!!

You mean she's doing exactly what she wants with her own free time, while her child's father keeps to the agreement they made about access times?

How very dare she.

She should fill her time scrubbing the kitchen floor on her knees, before saying the rosary.

DixieNormas · 27/11/2016 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bambamrubblesmum · 27/11/2016 19:43

There I go again, no commas!

OP you have a DP issue. Twas ever thus on Mumsnet.

CouldIHaveIt · 27/11/2016 19:43

DP also thinks I have the easy option because all I do is "sit on my arse" while he goes out to work

Then I suggest next time you have DSD you leave both of them with him, so he can sit on his arse doing nothing.

...& he kicks off if you so much as raise your voice to her. Fuck that for a joke. He gets NO say in how you 'parent' her given he's not fucking bothering.

Sorry, but this git would be an Ex by now.

Starlight2345 · 27/11/2016 19:43

There is a lot in the post...

Firstly a child should not be sent to another home when she behaves badly at 2/3 ..This is normal development and your DS will give you some very long days too.

If your DP can't provide 50/50 care she shouldn't offer it. It may well mean you need to pay maintenance to mum however this is how it should be.

If DSD acts like an anger when dad is around why is this? could be a million reasons some positive some not but worth thinking about.

I think that you need a structured contact it is better for the child and then he should only agree to extra contact if he can provide care or asks you..You need to have a conversation about this.

gleam · 27/11/2016 19:44

How unfortunate that dp didn't know his rota sooner.

Thingiebob · 27/11/2016 19:44

If she doesn't necessarily normally behave like this then maybe there is something wrong? Maybe she is coming down with something?

BratFarrarsPony · 27/11/2016 19:44

" merrily galavanting around child free and is most likely at the pub with her new boyfriend."

well good for her! It is up to her what she does in her child free time.
No doubt if she stopped contact she would get properly slagged off!

birdybirdywoofwoof · 27/11/2016 19:45

You have a problem with your dp.

I would never have assumed dh could look after my DC. I would always check and on the rare occasion it was awkward I would
a. Get in touch with ex - see if he could help
then b. Sort something else out.

You're not being treated with any respect here.

m0therofdragons · 27/11/2016 19:50

Op I was harsh on you and I apologise. Yabu to demand dh returns dsd to her mum but yanbu to demand dh looks after his dd and stops assuming you'll do it. Next time he double books just take your ds out for the day and he'll have to take family leave unpaid. Don't be mad at dsd, be mad at the man who is taking the piss.

EweAreHere · 27/11/2016 19:50

Your partner doesn't sound like much of a parent. Please don't have any more babies with him until he's shown you he can take care of the two he has. And support you fully when you're parenting them, especially on your own.

If you can't discipline DSD when she's in your care, even if her father is around, then you shouldn't be asked to be looking after her and parenting her. She will always be able to take the piss when she's older once she's fully sussed that out! And that's not healthy for you, her or your family dynamic.

Your partner should also have both children, on his own, for a weekend to see what it's like.

MuseumOfCurry · 27/11/2016 19:52

Hang on OP. Why the fuck should you have to look after his child. His child. His responsibility. What would he have done for childcare if you and he werent together? I hate the way lazy feckless men with dc from previous relationships think its ok to ask their new gf to do the childcare. He needs to spend time with his daughter.

Yes. If only there were a way for women to ascertain whether their prospective partners were good fathers to their existing children before jumping in with a new baby.

Kirriemuir · 27/11/2016 19:53

Poor kids.

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