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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to take DSD home?

197 replies

whitless · 27/11/2016 18:47

So a bit of back story to this..
DP and ex had a fairly messy brake up and their DD was only a small baby. They have a mutual agreement to share DD.

I met DP when (now my) DSD was just under 1. So I've known her and looked after her for over a year. She is now nearly 3.

DP and I now live together and have a DS( 5 months old).

Now the problem..

DP agreed to have DSD this weekend before he'd got his work rota, and he has now had to work this weekend. This left me on my own for 2 full days with DSD and DS. This isn't usually a problem and I don't mind as DSD is normally a lovely and sweet little girl.
But
Today she has been nasty, and generally awfully behaved. She has screamed and cried at everything, she's thrown food around and just been a terror.
So I asked DP to take her home tonight then I didn't have to have her all day tomorrow too.

DP is now saying I'm not being fair and I'm unreasonable for not wanting to look after her tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Manumission · 27/11/2016 19:54

Oh no, come on, the "galavanting" stuff isn't fair. Separated parents lose days with their DC. Most of them don't actively welcome that, but, whether they hate it or not, what they do on those days isn't "galavanting".

If you're that envious of child-free days you know what to do to get some.

likeaZombie · 27/11/2016 19:57

Poor kid no you can't send her back because she's being 2.
Does her mum know it's you looking after her not her dad?
Attachment is very very important at the age she is she ideally should be with her mum or dad if possible. Maybe this is why she's playing up? Mummy said you're going to see daddy have a lovely time then she gets there and daddy is gone.
Have a little more compassion as I would bet my bottom dollar it will be your ds being looked after by some random woman before he hits primary school. This man is obviously not one to stick around or live up to his responsibilities.
Speak to the mother if possible I know when my ds was 2 if he wasn't with his dad I would have wanted him with me not some girlfriend.

Underthemoonlight · 27/11/2016 19:57

The mother is very much entitled to do what she wants when access is taking place if your DP wanted 50/50 it's up to him to be available or reduce contact and pay maintenance . You're being unfair to the girl for being naughty she's a kid your an adult grow up as if you want to send her away, would you do that to your DS? No you wouldn't I think that attitude is appaulling to be honest. You can martyr yourself all you want but you were aware he had a baby and you went ahead and had another child without knowing your DP well or even establishing your relationship with the DSD hence why you have problems now. If you had anything about you , you would have allowed approiate time and established a secure relationship and boundaries before even considering a new child in the mix. You are now reaping what you sow and you sound resentful of the current situation. No one thought to put this girls needs and wants first. As other pp what time of message does that send to her? Daddy has a new baby but when she visits her dad is at work and is stuck with a woman who is resentful of her and wants to sent her home for any infraction.

Mombie2016 · 27/11/2016 19:59

She's likely playing up because she's meant to be seeing her Dad and he's not there. Also a new baby is a huge adjustment for a toddler.

What his ex does on her child free time is none of your business, however. Does your DP have to justify anything he does when his DD is with her mother? Doubt it. But of course the ex has to sit at home doing nothing whilst DD is with her Dad, God forbid she have a life Angry

3 is a baby. Very much so.

You have a fucking lazy DP, and he is your problem.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 27/11/2016 20:01

I sometimes wish I could send my 3yo DD elsewhere when she has days like that but I can't and neither can you. You can't send your DSD "home" because she IS home. She has two homes and three (or four?) parents. Also, think about how upsetting it would be for her to know that she can be sent away (especially when the baby can't)! I think you know YABU now OP but you have my sympathies because my 3yo is a terror at the moment.

Pisssssedofff · 27/11/2016 20:02

whitless I've spent my child free weekend cleaning, because there aren't enough hours in the day when I'm alone with the children to do anything other than get through the day, If the kids mum is having a break and hanging naked from
The chandlers then good on her, maybe you've worked out why she got rid of "D" P and you'll be wiser next time too.

MuseumOfCurry · 27/11/2016 20:03

Why did you decide to have children with this guy, OP?

BratFarrarsPony · 27/11/2016 20:05

I was going to ask that question OP...
You meet a guy with a tiny baby who did not make it work with his partner, and have another baby with him very quickly.
Why did you think that would be a good idea?

Cherrysoup · 27/11/2016 20:06

As ever, it's a DP problem. He needs to organise himself better, I'm sure work give out the rota in advance, they know people have lives. He's disorganised and unfair to tell you the looking after is all up to you. He also cut tell you to look after his DD but not allow you to discipline, he can't have it both ways.

Wdigin2this · 27/11/2016 20:07

I understand exactly where you're coming from because it's very hard dealing with tantrums from a child who is not yours. But yes I agree with previous posters, you can't send her home because she's had a difficult day!
The thing is, she was on her own with you and your baby, her DF wasn't there to give her attention, so she did the only thing a child that age could do.....she threw a wobbly to get attention, any attention! If you keep this in mind tomorrow, and try to include her more, perhaps she'll be more manageable!
I'm certainly not having a pop at you, because to be honest, I can't think of a worst way to spend a day, and your DP should be more considerate about making sure you're OK with it.....good luck! Wine

Original poster
whitless · 27/11/2016 20:08

I understand I have a DP problem.
I also understand ex can do what she wants, I probably am jealous because I've not even looked at a pub in 5 months, let alone had a child free day.

I now know it was wrong of me to just want to send her home because she's being hard work.

I will sit down with DP and discuss setting some rules

Those of you who asked, yes ex does know it's me looking after DSD and her not dad.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 27/11/2016 20:09

The people asking where DSD's Mum is she's off merrily galavanting around child free and is most likely at the pub with her new boyfriend

And the problem is? It's her free time she can spend it how she chooses and isn't relevant to your issue.

There's a world of difference to being a step mum, and having a boyfriend who has a child. If it's a bf using you for childcare then you put a stop to it. If you're a step mum, you take the rough with the smooth, but the DF has to do his bit and it looks like in this case he isn't.

You've launched into parenthood with this man and there are already huge alarm bells as to how he views parental responsibilities. I'd be having a conversation right now as to what's acceptable and what's not. It sounds as if this "shared care' is on an as and when basis. It might help if it was a bit more structured so he could organise his shifts?

honeyroar · 27/11/2016 20:10

Poor child! She's got a pretty awful father and a stepmum who doesn't want her.

As a stepmum, when I met my husband I had to decide whether I could cope with being a stepmum. It included looking after his child sometimes when he's at work (we're a team and he does things for me too..) and cope with the fact that this child would be in my life for better or for worse, for many years and would come above me in the pecking order. If I couldn't have coped with that, I wouldn't have got involved. I'm not saying that sometimes it hasn't been tough and I've not wished he hadn't had a previous family before me, it would have been easier! But that's not the way it is. And now my stepson has grown up and pretty much left home, I miss him a lot!

And as for saying the child's mum is probably gallivanting with her new boyfriend, well she's entitled to do what she wants when it's not her turn to have her child. From reading millions of threads on here, it's clear that 90% of mothers, if not more, would rather keep their children with them all the time, not share with an ex, but that's just the way it goes in a split family.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 27/11/2016 20:11

It sounds tough op

Don't let him treat you like a doormat.

SheldonCRules · 27/11/2016 20:11

How very dare she be out with a new boyfriend, pot kettle black considering he left her with a tiny baby, moved in with someone else very very soon after then had a child.

You surely can't expect him to pay for childcare instead when he's out earning them support all him children not just one when you are home.

You knew he had a child and got together with him anyway despite him leaving his other child barely a few months after birth.

Underthemoonlight · 27/11/2016 20:12

That's what happens when you have a baby you don't get days off. I have a 3 year old, a 7 month and a 8 year old my DH wouldn't send DS who's 8 to his dad's for bad behaviour. You've had a baby in a short space of time with a man who you didn't know too well who already had a failed relationship with his ex who had a baby together, was your DS planned?

Amelie10 · 27/11/2016 20:12

Op read post from neon. Yabu to have posted this in Aibu, you should have known to expect this. Repost in step parenting board.

clumsyduck · 27/11/2016 20:12

I never understand the attitude to stepchildren I sometimes see on here it's quite sad. Issues with your dh parenting are a seperate issue but in terms is sending her back for been naughty that would be completely unreasonable !

My dp will have my ds the odd time I have to work on a weekend I don't even have to ask ( as a new partner I wouldn't have asked him but now as a long term partner in a step dad role he just does it as if ds were his own ) same as what I get up to when ds is with his dad is no ones business but mine !! So what if she is "gallivanting" it's not her time with dd she can do as she pleases !

Pisssssedofff · 27/11/2016 20:13

whitless you need to put your foot down now or this will be a recipe for disaster and honestly don't have another baby with him
unless he bucks his ideas up. One on your own is fine, two is a whole different kettle of fish

PeggyMitchell123 · 27/11/2016 20:14

As others have said it's your dp that is the problem not your dsd and not her mum. Am a bit Hmm about your comment about the mother gallavanting. Good on her! She has arranged for her child's dad to have the child. Whatever she does is completely up to her. Why shouldn't she.

You need to lay down some rules with your partner so he stops working as much on contact with his daughter and understands it is hard work with a toddler and a baby.

WouldHave · 27/11/2016 20:20

You mostly need to talk to your DP about sorting out his work rota. Either he needs to make an arrangement with whoever sorts out the rotas to avoid days when he has DSD, or he needs to avoid making arrangements to have her till he has the rotas. It's not good enough to assume you will provide child care just because he can't be bothered to do that.

BlueBlueSkies · 27/11/2016 20:21

YANBU

Being a step parent is hard enough, you are not free childcare. If your DSD is hard work and you do not want to look after her, you should not have to. She is there to see her father and if he is not available, then he should change contact. She is not yours and not there to see you.

I flatly refuse, and have done for years, to look after DSS. I have my own to look after. Not my problem.

Petal02 · 27/11/2016 20:23

I've never seen the point in access by proxy.

AnnieNoMouse · 27/11/2016 20:30

"Take DSD home"?
Surely her dad's home is her home too, albeit only for part of the week

IonaNE · 27/11/2016 20:37

The OP did agree to be with someone who already has a child, but I don't quite see why everyone here seems to think this means that she is expected to take care of her DP's child on her own for a full weekend. What is the point of the OP's DP "having" the child for the weekend if he is at work? What would he do if he did not have a partner?

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