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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to take DSD home?

197 replies

whitless · 27/11/2016 18:47

So a bit of back story to this..
DP and ex had a fairly messy brake up and their DD was only a small baby. They have a mutual agreement to share DD.

I met DP when (now my) DSD was just under 1. So I've known her and looked after her for over a year. She is now nearly 3.

DP and I now live together and have a DS( 5 months old).

Now the problem..

DP agreed to have DSD this weekend before he'd got his work rota, and he has now had to work this weekend. This left me on my own for 2 full days with DSD and DS. This isn't usually a problem and I don't mind as DSD is normally a lovely and sweet little girl.
But
Today she has been nasty, and generally awfully behaved. She has screamed and cried at everything, she's thrown food around and just been a terror.
So I asked DP to take her home tonight then I didn't have to have her all day tomorrow too.

DP is now saying I'm not being fair and I'm unreasonable for not wanting to look after her tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
MsJamieFraser · 27/11/2016 22:14

Yabu for all the reasons mentioned.

Pisssssedofff · 27/11/2016 22:16

whitless - she agreed to no Maintence did she ? Why's that ?

If you were my daughter is be so worried, this guy has red flags all over him. How long did you know him before getting pregnant ? Just be really careful, keep a savings account in your name - the oh fuck fund I called it - mshe sure you keep your job etc. I don't like the sound of this man

Starlight2345 · 27/11/2016 22:21

Well he sounds a dream dad...

I assume you know if it doesn't last your DS will be in the same situation.

To be fair you don't need to raise your voice but lower it..That helps..

However there seems like an aswul lot of control here...If DSD needs childcare you need to cancel, Id DSD needs something you pay for it. He won't pay maintenance, so Ex is very tied.

He has a VEry low opinion of women from what I have read here.

Pallisers · 27/11/2016 22:24

Amazing that men like this get not just one but two women to have children with them.

OP you said he has never had DSD on his own? Really? He has always relied on you to rear his child but HE sets the rules about how you interact with her.

Feck that for a game of cowboys. Tell him if you have his daughter, your step-daughter and you are considered good enough to mind her and take care of her on your own while he works, then you should be considered good enough to decide how to deal with her if she is being difficult (possibly she is being difficult because she is hoping to see her dad and he is off at work instead - add her to the list of women this man will let down in his life).

Your partners sounds like a prince ... not. Why would you put up with this?

Underthemoonlight · 27/11/2016 22:27

Of course he wants you to look after her so he doesn't have to pay for her but if she needs anything you pay! He is a user no doubt you'll find yourself in a similar boat when he's had enough.

RavioliOnToast · 27/11/2016 22:36

Your attitude towards dsd sounds awful OP, you can't pick and choose when you want to look after her based on her behaviour.

SoTheySentMeA · 27/11/2016 22:49

Oh for heavens sake ravioli she's acknowledged that. How about some practical advice rather than just criticism?

ThereIsOneRoomLeft · 27/11/2016 23:01

Not read all replies. However, your DP should be there to spend time with her, not just you. Fine if he's going out to shops for an hour or something, but to go to work leaving her with you for a full weekend...he needs to make sure he is available every time she stays. My ex h has just got a gf (best of luck to her, she'll need it) and I would not be happy if he was foisting our child onto his dp. I expect him to spend time with dd when he has her. I would never expect the dp to do it?!

As for wanting to send her home...not a good message to send to dsd . DP needs to step up.

BumDNC · 27/11/2016 23:12

I don't mind if ex leaves my kids with step mum but they are much much older. And I would be cross with him if he did it consistently while he went to work Angry. What's the point in me losing days if he isn't even home?
And he's being a dick because you don't arrange days to see your child then decide to go to work.
Although I appreciate it's hard don't send her home.

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 27/11/2016 23:22

My ex used to have my DS midweek, but go to his second job and leave DS with his GF. I let it go a few times as I didn't want to rock the boat, until DS asked me what's the point in going to his dad's when dads not there. Couldn't argue with that. Your DSD will come round to that way of thinking too, quite rightly.

chinam · 27/11/2016 23:23

No maintenance. What a prince amounst men you've managed to bag yourself.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 28/11/2016 00:13

He should be looking after his child during his contact, or arranging childcare. Leaving it to you is him abdicating his responsibility.

And how are you supposed to care for her without the authority to set boundaries and enforce them with age appropriate punishment when necessary.

He is being unreasonable, not you, not the mother - him.

user1475501383 · 28/11/2016 01:11

DP also thinks I have the easy option because all I do is "sit on my arse" while he goes out to work.

Let him look after DSD and DS then for a whole day. Teaches them.

I can't actually believe your DP said this. Looking after 2 small children is hardly sitting on one's arse. He needs a reality check.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/11/2016 03:27

"I quite frequently have to cancel my plans because DP has arranged to have her then has to go to work."
That has to change and it has to change NOW. So when you "sit down with DP and discuss setting some rules" first up should be that your plans are not subject to change due to his disorganisation. And I don't care if he bleats that if he's rota'ed he has no choice. He has the choice to only agree to have his daughter when he knows for certain that he is available to her. Otherwise he needs to tell his ex 'Sorry, can't commit to that until I've seen my rota for then, I may be working.' It really is that simple.

RichardBucket · 28/11/2016 03:30

Oh FFS. Another completely useless tosser of a "father" who has kids with a woman that won't treat his other children the same. A woman who falls hook, line and sinker for the bad mouthing of the ex "gallavanting" around with "his" maintenance money and her new partner.

I'm sick of people like you and your partner, OP, and I'm not even an ex.

Trifleorbust · 28/11/2016 04:06

Leaving aside the issue of you providing childcare, your DP is being very unreasonable to try to micromanage your interactions with his DD. If he expects you to parent her, he needs to back off and let you do that. If he wants to make the rules he needs to do his own childcare his own self.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/11/2016 04:33

Ah, I missed that your partner won't let you discipline his daughter. "if I even raise my voice at DSD no matter what she is doing then it causes a massive argument."

He's an idiot. If no-one can discipline her but him, then no-one can care for her but him. Because discipline is part of caring.

If she ever cottoned on that 'daddy shouts at whitless if she shouts at me', she would start playing up for whitless to see daddy shout. Even the nicest child would, because being a child is about finding out how the world works and where the boundaries are. And if they can't find the boundaries they keep searching/pushing. Good way to raise a spoilt brat. Your partner needs to see that he is doing his daughter a grave disservice by tantrumming if you discipline her.

If you can't discipline her, you can't care for her and he will have to do the childcare himself. When you're setting out the rules, that one should be non-negotiable.

frumpet · 28/11/2016 07:03

OP , I wonder what tales your DP told you about the reasons behind his break up with DSD's mother ?

Adnerb95 · 28/11/2016 07:13

There's lots of advice here which is all well and good if you were at the beginning of the story - I.e.you were only just getting together with DP and were sorting out how childcare arrangements were going to be.
So the comments about him taking equal - at least! - responsibility for DSD are totally valid. What is actually happening is that DSD is being "shared" equally between you and ex!

However, the reality is that if you have been functioning in this role since she was very small, which seems to be the case, your DSD is already very firmly attached to you and will see you as a second Mum. This means that the more hands-off SM approach to decisions about her care would be both cruel and irresponsible. Although the situation as it stands is far from ideal and although there is no reason - if appropriate childcare arrangements had been established in the beginning - you should be functioning as a second Mum, it is too late to change how your DSD sees you.

DP needs to step up to the plate - his attitude stinks.

However, your DSD needs you to carry on looking after her as if she was your own and somehow - although you should not have been put in this position in the first place - you need to reconcile yourself to this.

God knows what the solution is if you and DP don't last the distance!

CoteDAzur · 28/11/2016 07:16

"The people asking where DSD's Mum is she's off merrily galavanting around child free and is most likely at the pub with her new boyfriend."

Oh yes, I bet she is loving the thought of handing her precious daughter for the weekend to a woman focused on her baby, who clearly doesn't want her.

Your poor DSD.

Your OP describes a normal 2-3 year old.

Charley50 · 28/11/2016 07:19

Oh Whit your 'd'p sounds like a nasty lazy bully.

Adnerb95 · 28/11/2016 07:24

The implication seems to be that the "equal shares" deal was agreed BECAUSE this also meant "no maintenance".

So, not because he wants to spend time with his DD, but because he is too mean to shell out any money!

Mmm, nice.

In fact, if not for DSD I would say LTB. But that would now be very problematic!

rollonthesummer · 28/11/2016 07:37

Apologies if this has been amsweeee already, I have only skimmed through the thread.

Your husband and his ex share custody of their daughter but because he met you and has another child which you stay home and look after, you are expected to provide 'his' side of the childcare?

What would he do if he hadn't met you? How would he meet his parenting obligations then?

rollonthesummer · 28/11/2016 07:41
  1. Does he 'let' you raise your voice with your own child?
  2. What are the childcare arrangements when you go back to work full time?
FrankAndBeans · 28/11/2016 08:42

FFS leave the prick for everyone's sake.

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