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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to take DSD home?

197 replies

whitless · 27/11/2016 18:47

So a bit of back story to this..
DP and ex had a fairly messy brake up and their DD was only a small baby. They have a mutual agreement to share DD.

I met DP when (now my) DSD was just under 1. So I've known her and looked after her for over a year. She is now nearly 3.

DP and I now live together and have a DS( 5 months old).

Now the problem..

DP agreed to have DSD this weekend before he'd got his work rota, and he has now had to work this weekend. This left me on my own for 2 full days with DSD and DS. This isn't usually a problem and I don't mind as DSD is normally a lovely and sweet little girl.
But
Today she has been nasty, and generally awfully behaved. She has screamed and cried at everything, she's thrown food around and just been a terror.
So I asked DP to take her home tonight then I didn't have to have her all day tomorrow too.

DP is now saying I'm not being fair and I'm unreasonable for not wanting to look after her tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 27/11/2016 20:41

Same as me when I didn't have a partner arrange alternate childcare

When a relationship gets serious enough that you become a step parent and a big part of a Dcs life I really don't see why it's a big deal to treat them same as you would your own

justfor · 27/11/2016 20:43

YABU to think you could send her back to her mum's just like that - but definitely NBU to feel that way. As SM to 3 DSCs myself, with a toddler DD with DH, I make sure that I am never in that situation in the first place. I don't buy into this 'you are one family so you need to provide childcare'. I do a lot for my DSCs, but I don't do childcare. Even if I've taken the day off to look after DD, I still don't do childcare for my DSCs; DH has to make other arrangements (he gets that now, but it took a while), which often means that they go to their mum's for the day. They're happy, she's happy, I'm happy. That's what works for us. As a pp said, I think their mum would find it a bit odd if I looked after them when she could.

For the record, even when they don't go their mum's, I stil don't do childcare, because I don't think it's my responsibility. One evening a week so my DH can do some sport and go for a drink, yes. Whole days, no. I love my DSCs and we have a great relationship, but I think it's very important to have clear lines beyond which I won't go (that's important in any relationship, but maybe even more so when you're navigating the minefield that is a blended family).

Pisssssedofff · 27/11/2016 20:43

It's a lot to expect of anyone launched into motherhood 5 months ago - remember that first year guys - to cope with a toddler as well alone. I couldn't have done it

PterodactylToenails · 27/11/2016 20:44

YABU. I would want the child to feel happy in my home and environment and since your children are half siblings I would feel it was important for them to spend time with one another therefore, I would be happy to have a step child over frequently. I also wouldn't resent it if my husband was working and I was left looking after the child, it isn't as if he is out having a great time!

Lunar1 · 27/11/2016 20:45

It's his time with his dd, if he can't look after her he needs to arrange childcare, not expect his ex to drop everything. If you don't want to look after his dd maybe you can swap roles. You go back to work and him be at home or part time. He has had two young children in quick succession and now needs to be a dad to them. It doesn't sound like he can carry on with whatever his current job is.

Manumission · 27/11/2016 20:46

It's a lot to expect of anyone launched into motherhood 5 months ago - remember that first year guys - to cope with a toddler as well alone. I couldn't have done it

You could just as well say to SMs "Remember the first year guys? I couldn't have coped with having a baby straight away too"

OP and her DP got into this together. She's making the right call in trying to redraw the rules together. He needs to pull his weight.

orangeterry · 27/11/2016 20:48

yanbu

Atenco · 27/11/2016 20:49

Your DP is being extremely unreasonable. If he does not trust you to discipline his child, he should not trust you to look after her fullstop.

PickAChew · 27/11/2016 20:53

She sounds like she is being very three and no that won't be helped by the dad she was expecting to see not being around.

Are you and his ex on good enough terms to discuss how best to deal with any emerging behaviours? If there's one thing she needs, right now, it's a bit of consistency. It would also give you some leverage if your P continues to be a dick about you disciplining her., Whether that's using 123 magic, a naughty step, or whatever.

YorkiesGlasses · 27/11/2016 20:53

It may not look great to send her home, but she's not even three - would she even know she is supposed to be there another day?

But you do have to stop being his dd's primary carer. I hate it when men foist that responsibility on their partners.

SoTheySentMeA · 27/11/2016 21:03

You've had a bit of a flaming on here OP but don't take it to heart. YANBU to want to send DSD back to her mums, it is perfectly natural to want to send a child home when they are misbahving and they are not your child, but it WBU to actually make DP do that. She is a memeber of your family, and she may well behave much better tomorrow. Make sure she gets a good night sleep and a nice breakfast in the morning.

You absolutely Must speak to DP about this arranging to have her when he will be working situation. He shouldn't be agreeing to have her until he knows he can be there. If he can't be there, he shouldn't be expecting you to look after her. You are not a babysitter.

I don't have my DSD on my own when DP is not around, not even since DS was born, nor do I feel obligated to. I do love her but she is not my daughter. And you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Don't be angry with DSD's mother for enjoying child-free time. DP agreed to it, so she is not doing anything wrong by 'galivanting'. I would 100% be making the most of child-free time in her situation. Aim your irritation at DP for putting you in this situation.

To all the posters asking if OP is the other woman - that is completely irrelevant so fuck right off.

Pisssssedofff · 27/11/2016 21:04

Manumission if it's her first she won't remember anything will she - he ought to have but it sounds like making babies doesn't affect him

Original poster
whitless · 27/11/2016 21:06

DP has promised that he will take some days off and have them both on his own so he understands how difficult it is.
However, he is refusing to change the agreement with his ex, but he has said he will ask in future if I will look after DSD if he has to work.
I showed him this thread to back my points up and he was genuinely shocked to see that it isn't the norm to just expect partners to look after step children.

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 27/11/2016 21:06

Why do these men agree a contact schedule and then dump their kids in someone else?

Op you do have a DP problem.

Lunar1 · 27/11/2016 21:10

Does his job allow you to be a sham or are you on maternity and will be going back to work soon?

Original poster
whitless · 27/11/2016 21:12

I am on mat leave and will be going back to work full time

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 27/11/2016 21:12

I have an agreed contact schedule of eow ds goes to his dad and the odd time I will have to work on a day when it's my weekend with ds . Dp will have him for me because we are a family I don't feel like I am putting on dp he shouldn't have got with a single parent if he wasn't interested in eventually integrating into family life .

Swapping about arranged contact is unfair on both the Dc involved and the other parent who is also entitled to a break!

MsGameandWatch · 27/11/2016 21:13

If that was my dd I would want her back and I certainly wouldn't hold it against the step parent. She's very little, maybe she wants one of her actual parents?

Allalonenow · 27/11/2016 21:28

"he is refusing to change the agreement with his ex"

Is this because he would have to pay maintenance/more maintenance? It can't be because he is desperate to spend time with his child, as clearly he's not that bothered.

What was said about you being able to discipline his daughter? You need to make it clear to him that if he refuses to allow this, and supports you to do so, then you won't look after her at all on your own.

Also stop changing your plans to facilitate his work and his ex's free time. It's for the two of them to provide care for their child, not for them to expect you to give up your life to care for her.

Keep a record of days he takes off, times you are left on your own, it could bring a bit of clarity to any future discussions with him.

flippyflapper · 27/11/2016 21:38

When I met my then dp (now dh) his dd was 1 years old then and my God I used to dread looking after her. I was young 18 and fully accepted being with a man with a child till I had to be responsible, to be honest it wasn't a regular thing it was just when dh was working and he didn't want to upset ex and stop arrangements.. I used to hate it ..

But what I'm getting at is I hated it until I had my own then actually realised it's normal kid behaviour and because I never had a child to look after before it was hard .. obviously I was never nasty and never be mean but I was glad when she went back to her mums.

15 years later we have a great relationship and I look back on those years and think I was the selfish one obviously.

When your little one reaches that age you will see that all the tantrums are part of the parcel and horrible to say but if you want to stay with your dp you will have to get used to it.

Underthemoonlight · 27/11/2016 21:41

The fact he won't change the contact agreements but isn't available suggests it's to do with maintence he clearly isn't thinking of his DD in this situation what a waste of space.....

IonaNE · 27/11/2016 21:50

What justfor said on p6.

Original poster
whitless · 27/11/2016 21:59

DP and his ex have an agreement with regards to maintenance. He won't pay any and probably never will but if DSD needs anything he more likely me will buy it for her.

I am now allowed to use the naughty corner for punishment but it still stands I'm not raise my voice, which is fair enough and I hardly ever feel the need to shout at her anyway.

OP posts:
7SunshineSeven7 · 27/11/2016 22:08

with regards to maintenance. He won't pay any and probably never will

Not on.

NoFucksImAQueen · 27/11/2016 22:12

DP and his ex have an agreement with regards to maintenance. He won't pay any and probably never will but if DSD needs anything he more likely me will buy it for her.

Shock oh op, why are you with such a cunt? Do you not think you deserve better?

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