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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to take DSD home?

197 replies

whitless · 27/11/2016 18:47

So a bit of back story to this..
DP and ex had a fairly messy brake up and their DD was only a small baby. They have a mutual agreement to share DD.

I met DP when (now my) DSD was just under 1. So I've known her and looked after her for over a year. She is now nearly 3.

DP and I now live together and have a DS( 5 months old).

Now the problem..

DP agreed to have DSD this weekend before he'd got his work rota, and he has now had to work this weekend. This left me on my own for 2 full days with DSD and DS. This isn't usually a problem and I don't mind as DSD is normally a lovely and sweet little girl.
But
Today she has been nasty, and generally awfully behaved. She has screamed and cried at everything, she's thrown food around and just been a terror.
So I asked DP to take her home tonight then I didn't have to have her all day tomorrow too.

DP is now saying I'm not being fair and I'm unreasonable for not wanting to look after her tomorrow.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Manumission · 27/11/2016 19:19

Bam Grin

opheliaamongthelillies · 27/11/2016 19:19

If you truly believed it was the right thing to do then you wouldn't be asking on here and looking for justification. As it happens you didn't get that justification so you have decided not to send her home. It shouldn't have needed that though really.

FrankAndBeans · 27/11/2016 19:19

YABVU. You shouldn't have rushed to have a child with a man that had just had a baby if you didn't want to be a part of DSD's life.

CocktailQueen · 27/11/2016 19:20

OP, you have a DH problem. He doesn't like you disciplining her, but wants you to look after her? He's never looked after either of his dc by himself? What a lazy twat.

BTW, what's to stop you discliplining dsd when your h is at work?

YABU - you can't send your dsd home. Try to find out what's wrong with her instead.

BUT you need to sit down with dh and tell him how you're feeling and say you need his support so you can parent effectively together. FFS, what's your dsd going to be like as an 8yo or a 13yo or a 16yo if she knows that you can't discipline her? It will be anightmare.

zippey · 27/11/2016 19:21

Game boy is a good idea, or an iPad, that should keep her busy for a while. If it happens on a regular basis then I don't think it's fair on you.

Rochefort · 27/11/2016 19:22

Hang on OP. Why the fuck should you have to look after his child. His child. His responsibility. What would he have done for childcare if you and he werent together? I hate the way lazy feckless men with dc from previous relationships think its ok to ask their new gf to do the childcare. He needs to spend time with his daughter.

defineme · 27/11/2016 19:24

Why would a man have babies with two different partners in such quick succession? I honestly know no one in real life that has done that.
On the plus side the siblings will have a very close relationship if you all maintain equal access.
I think it's a bit mad that her dad's not there so much for access...the main point of it is to see and be cared for by him.

FrankAndBeans · 27/11/2016 19:24

Hang on OP. Why the fuck should you have to look after his child. His child. His responsibility.
The child that he already had before OP turned up, that OP knew she would have to accept into her life. She should have walked away if she wasn't prepared to step into a step-parenting role when she started dating a man with a very young baby.

auntyemaily · 27/11/2016 19:24

Wow OP YA totally NBU. It sounds like you are completely being taken for granted by your DP and/or his ex. If he's agreed to have her he should be there to look after her. Do you think her mum realised he's not there and you are doing all the work? Or is she not bothered and is skipping off merrily child free while you have your workload doubled and your partners life/career carries on unaffected?

RandomMess · 27/11/2016 19:25

Sounds like you need to insist that DP arranges his contact with DD after he gets his work rota!!! That is pretty usual when one of the parents works shifts...

Also perhaps he needs to start looking after both whilst you get some child free time!

Evilstepmum01 · 27/11/2016 19:25

YANBU. She's your dsd and you have your hands full with your own DS. Your dp should be spending time with her.
Get this thread moved to step parenting, on aibu, you'll be judged. You're not an evil stepmum (that's me) Grin
Fwiw, if my dh left me with my dsd and our ds without prior agreement, he'd get his head in his hands to play with. Both kids need their daddy.

Owllady · 27/11/2016 19:26

I think if we all blamed Rita life would make more sense

dimots · 27/11/2016 19:28

She should have walked away if she wasn't prepared to step into a step-parenting role

She isn't being asked to be the step parent. She is doing the father's role while he doesn't bother.

User1234567891011 · 27/11/2016 19:28

She should have walked away if she wasn't prepared to step into a step-parenting role when she started dating a man with a very young baby.

^This.

Your DH shouldn't be having his DD when he is not present for most of the contact time, this is something that happened to me as a child and part of the reason I stopped going when I was old enough to decide. I felt unimportant and not wanted.

YABU to send her home now she is there - why should she go to the mother to be sorted out when her father can do it when he gets home from the work he shouldn't be choosing over his contact with his child in this situation (being so regular)?

Also I don't think a 3 year old can be ''nasty'', they can be naughty and frustrated but not ''nasty''.

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2016 19:29

The OP isn't the villain here.

I think she would be U to send her DSD home now, but I think the father in this situation is playing a game.

He needs to be at home more, and he needs to learn how to look after both his children.

ValaMalDoran · 27/11/2016 19:30

She's not even 3 and her daddy lives with another woman and has a 5 month old child with her. Just this baffles me. It's all so stupidly fast I can't get my head around it. That must be so confusing for her. Two year olds play up anyway but in the circumstances I'm not surprised if she acts up for you. She probably thinks her daddy has buggered off again.

All that aside When you took him on you took her on. That means if it's her routine to come you or her dad look after her. Don't fuck over her routine and pack her back because you decide she's too much hard work. She's a toddler ffs, they are hard work.

If you were concerned she won't get time
With her dad I could understand but you don't seem to give a shite about that just about how much inconvenience it is for
You.

If you intend being with your partner long term you need to treat her as your own. Starting now. Don't ever let her feel any less than a valued member of your family. Look after her when it's her turn to be with you. Feed her, clothe her and love her. It's not difficult, presumably you do it to your own child.

Manumission · 27/11/2016 19:30

Meh. Rita deserves it Smile

Scooby20 · 27/11/2016 19:31

So is this about her misbehaving or your dp doing fuck all with either of his kids.

Because the OP doesnt even mention that. You sound fine to have her if he is working, but just not when she misbehaving.

Now it sounds like you are fed up of doing all his childcare.

Can't work out what the real issue is or if yiu are drip feeding to get more sympathetic responses.

If your point is that you are fed up of dp arranging his weekends then not spending time with is dd, yanbu.

If it's that you are happy to do it but not when she is being a normal 3 year old an delaying up, yabu.

FrankAndBeans · 27/11/2016 19:31

I agree the father is not pulling his weight and I don't think she should be used as childcare if she hasn't agreed to it but she can't decide to send her home just because she's having an off day! You either do it or you don't.

Original poster
whitless · 27/11/2016 19:33

The people asking where DSD's Mum is she's off merrily galavanting around child free and is most likely at the pub with her new boyfriend.

I am fully aware I am being used as free childcare by both of the parents.

DP also thinks I have the easy option because all I do is "sit on my arse" while he goes out to work.

OP posts:
aunicornisnotjustforchristmas · 27/11/2016 19:34

As a step-parent YANBU! You're dp and his ex have split the care of their dd and as it is his time with her he should be looking after her. It's ok if you agree you will help out but you shouldn't be taken for granted and if you are struggling then he should step up and help out. Your not happy, your dsd isn't happy, and I bet her mum isn't happy that she is missing out on her daughter who isn't even happy. What's the point in all being miserable? Check with her mum that it's ok to return her early first though, and Flowers step parenting is hard!

Owllady · 27/11/2016 19:35

Oh well, there is your problem
I think was still stuck on the sofa with a baby attached to me constantly when mine were 5 months old

ValaMalDoran · 27/11/2016 19:35

Just saw the drip feed after I posted Hmm

If your dp does fuck all and arranges these things so he can "see her" without actually seeing her that's a different issue. Sort that out with him but please don't punish a little girl for his inadequacy.

You need to find a proper contact arrangement that means she gets to spend time with her dad and he actually does some
Childcare. It's HIS fault, not hers. Please don't risk making her feel like she's not good enough.

neonrainbow · 27/11/2016 19:36

Well there's step parenting, and then there's being used for free childcare for a badly behaved child that you're not allowed to tell off or discipline in any way. If this was, for example, your niece, and your sister dumped her on you and expected you to look after a badly behaved child because she was working but you weren't allowed to tell her off at all, then you'd have got VERY different responses.

And a 3 year old isn't a baby Hmm

Op please repost in step parenting board. You'll get more useful replies than just people telling you what a bad and nasty person you are because you want to send away a (3 year old) baby and you should just suck up whatever your partner wants. And being asked if you're the ow which makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE to this scenario whatsoever, there's always a goady twat that trots that out on step threads. they just want another stick to beat you with, cos you're already the bad guy for being a stepmum.

Im pretty sure you've learnt your lesson. Don't ever ask on AIBU about a stepchild as you have 0% chance of a fair hearing.

Standingonmytippytoes · 27/11/2016 19:36

Well then the problem isn't that she's being a pain it's that you're being used. Tell your dp that you'll do him this favor this time but next he's to make sure he's available for his dd and if he's working he can make childcare arrangements.

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