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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter being unreasonable

399 replies

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:00

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 27/11/2016 16:49

Not quite the same but my friend had an expensive bag stolen from her house by a teenage babysitter. She knew it was her but she denied it.

Her dh went to her house and said her understood she hadn't taken it but because it was valuable he was going to have to call the police to report the theft so perhaps she could think really hard and see if she could remember if a friend might have 'popped in' and taken it. Strangely enough she did remember and brought the bag back that her 'friend' had taken.

Is there any possible permutation on this that your dh could take? She's not going to want to lose face under any circumstances so letting her find a way out might,must might result in the bracelet being 'found'.

Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:51

I think at the moment we are all annoyed as she keeps pushing it I just rang some of her friends to ask if they saw her with the bracelet yesterday and the three I spoke to said no so now I am more annoyed as it means she has hidden it. Me an DD are taking the dogs out for a walk I need to get out of here for a bit else i think I will throttle her, I have told OH to have a good talk to her and try and sort this out.

OP posts:
LunaMay · 27/11/2016 16:51

I absolutely hate thieves but honestly you've already sorted a punishment and then added onto it by no Xmas shopping next weekend maybe you all could ease up on the ignoring and leaving her out - hot chic thing was just spite

OurBlanche · 27/11/2016 16:51

I think the original punishment and the off the cuff hot chocolate decision are enough!

As SoThey and data said, be careful. SD has to have some way of coming back from this.

Hopefully she will remember where she lost it... maybe the bin, maybe a pocket! You never know!

ChickenVindaloo2 · 27/11/2016 16:52

I'd be angry too but you have to help your DD get past this by explaining that the bracelet was just a reminder of memories and that the memories of her gran can never be lost.

Let your DP replace the bracelet though, of course. And maybe choose another charm together to represent gran.

As an adult, you have to put your anger aside otherwise DD won't be able to.

SoTheySentMeA · 27/11/2016 16:57

As an adult, you have to put your anger aside otherwise DD won't be able to.

This.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 27/11/2016 17:00

I agree that the hot chocolate thing was perhaps a bit far - it could end up making her feel very victimised, or that she's the outsider in the house. She definitely needs to appreciate that she has stolen something precious and is 100% in the wrong, but if she ends up feeling pushed away she'll be even less likely to accept responsibility.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 27/11/2016 17:01

I got a "this^"

Grin
Kirriemuir · 27/11/2016 17:02

I know it has been mentioned above but I have a pandora bracelet and it doesn't come off at all. It's been in for a year. It's not fallen off or unclipped itself in all that time. That's through work, diy, holidays etc.

I too think she still has it.

I also think extending the punishment with next weekend is also harsh.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 27/11/2016 17:03

Yes, the hot chocolate remark was a bit childish.
She's had a row, she's getting whatever punishment has been decided. A big one though, as it was an expensive, important thing she lost.
But that's it. Don't keep throwing it back in her face.

(a bit like when a man has an affair, if you stay together, you can't bring it up every 5 seconds)

ChickenVindaloo2 · 27/11/2016 17:04

She may have taken the bracelet off to play with or to let friends try it on. And one of them has stolen it or lost it.
I wouldn't assume it unclipped itself.

Blu · 27/11/2016 17:05

Grounded for a month and paying for a new charm is enough punishment.

The 'deal' needs to be clear. If you keep adding things like refusing to make her hot choc she will not see any way to rehabilitate herself as she will just assume you will keep adding things unexpectedly to exclude her .

Maybe she is jealous of your Dd living with her Dad all the time, maybe she does feel second best in some way in your household just because she isn't there all the time and your dd is. None of this is rational - it is a 13 year old in a step family, and it doesn't mean you are lacking in any way as a parents / step parents - and it probably isn't about clothes or material goods, but about feelings she can't necessarily express.

Be clear about her behaviour, be clear that you love her, and move on.

srslylikeomg · 27/11/2016 17:05

I could be way off base here but this sort of acting out (stealing/being careless) from your DSD seems like classic attachment disorder type testing the boundaries, kind of "if I do THIS it'll PROVE you don't like me" and it also smacks of competition with your DD being the "good" one, she's got nothing to lose with regards to your relationship so she may as well just take the bracelet. I think you need to be super honest with yourself about how you speak to her and interact with her day to day. Do you like her? Has your frustration with her poisoned the relationship and actually you need to reset?

Bambamrubblesmum · 27/11/2016 17:05

I agree with the PPs. You are in danger of taking this too far if you keep on punishing her. You'll end up creating a worse situation if you carry on.

Plus her dad needs to start talking to her in a compassionate way to find out what's at the bottom of it.

Badcat666 · 27/11/2016 17:06

I'd still be pissed off if someone had stolen and "lost" a precious and valuable item...and now it looks like they have lied about wearing it and losing it... it's only been really a day/ day and a bit at the most that this happened, it's not like the OP and her DH are still punishing her after a week!

I don't think the hot choc was going a bit far at all, nor going shopping. Hopefully she'll understand that being a thief is wrong and for every action she does there will be a reaction, perhaps not nice ones.

ohtheholidays · 27/11/2016 17:07

Keep the lock on the door and I'd explain to your SD what she was doing is not borrowing,you have to have the owners knowledge and permission for you to be able to borrow something what she has done would be considered theft by the law!

I'd be telling your OH the same as well and I'd be making sure that your SD has really lost it and not sold it,given it away or hidden it somewhere!

We had similar happen years ago within my extended family,someone elses child stole something from my Dad and swore they hadn't seen it,3 days later it was found under that teenagers bed.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 27/11/2016 17:08

YANBU - you could frame it to your DH that you are protecting both girls: your DD from having her stuff 'borrowed' and your DSD from the temptation of 'borrowing'.

lola111 · 27/11/2016 17:09

I just rang some of her friends to ask if they saw her with the bracelet yesterday and the three I spoke to said no so now I am more annoyed as it means she has hidden it.

The thing that worries me is that what if your DSD didn't take it this time ? What if it has fallen doen the back of some furniture, what if your DD has lost it/sold it herself and daren't tell you? What if your DD is hiding it to get your DSD in trouble?
I would tell both girls you are going out for half an hour and if the Pandora bracelet is put back on the kitchen table, all punishments will be off and no questions asked.
I think this 'borrowing' is a symptom of a bigger problem and that is what you need to address

ChickenVindaloo2 · 27/11/2016 17:13

Lola: I think the SD admitted taking it.

waterrat · 27/11/2016 17:18

13 is young still. If she is feeling this unhappy and causing trouble within yhe family presuambly it's because she is hurt and angry.

Why not try and really hear her? She isn't old enough to be completely articulate. So when she says her sister gers more things does she mean she feels her dad spends more time with her sister ?

Lanaorana1 · 27/11/2016 17:21

Enough already with the punishments. Don't let DD dictate them, either. She needs to grow up and get over it too.

thatdearoctopus · 27/11/2016 17:23

My dd has a Pandora bracelet and it has fallen off twice now. Maybe the clasp is faulty, who knows, but we have bought a safety chain for it. No losses since.

bigredfireengine · 27/11/2016 17:23

Contact the friends that she went out with and ask what happened to the bracelet. Is it possible that she gave it to one of them? Or sold it?

They may well know.

thatdearoctopus · 27/11/2016 17:24

They're not sisters though, are they? How long have your and your OH been together? Just wondering how long any possible jealousy/resentment has been festering.

Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 17:24

Ok just got home and well I am a bit shocked apparently I am pregnant and this is why she is acting up, she heard DD talking to her friend about a baby and how she had to keep it quiet for now. My SD thought it was me. She told OH that it was unfair we were keeping it a secret from her, it is my friend DD was talking about and we had to keep it quiet as she has mis carried 2 before. So for the last 4 months she has been a horror because she thought we wouldn't love her anymore when the baby came, I just explained to her I am certainly not pregnant and I can't have anymore anyway and we would never keep such news from her. She has given her friend the bracelet and wanted to punish DD for me being pregnant. She hasn't mentioned this once I asked DD about it and she said she didn't know SD was in at the time as she was supposed to be out with friends, now what do I do? I still think she's wrong for taking the bracelet but I can also understand how something like that would effect her. OH is taking her to the friends house in a minutes and having a word with the parents as they hatched this plan between them and her friends lied to me earlier. She was scared to tell her dad about the baby in front of me because she didn't want us to split up once he found out I hadn't told him.

What a great big bloody mess I have told DD to just leave it for now and we will talk tomorrow once everyone is calmer.

OP posts:
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