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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step daughter being unreasonable

399 replies

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:00

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

OP posts:

FannyTrollopes · 27/11/2016 16:22

I would also doubt whether it was "lost". The clasps on the bracelets are really, really rigid.

I think she's at it.

whateveryousay · 27/11/2016 16:22

Tough if he doesn't like locks on doors. You don't like thieves.

Original poster

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:23

Tell him you don't like thieves and ask him how you are going to sort out the real issue?

I did that earlier it isn't her mum she has gone absolutely mental at her she even came round last night to see her with us. It's nice we do all have a really good relationship and we are all friends. Her mum doesn't know what's got into her either we have all tried I said to OH earlier that I am ringing the school to see if they can help, he has accepted that he is at a loss the same as the rest of us.

OP posts:

exLtEveDallas · 27/11/2016 16:24

DSD sounds jealous and 'bratty' If they are teens this isn't unusual behaviour, and not even 'step' behaviour - it's just teens. Everything is 'unfair' at that age I think.

I get the "DDs clothes are cheaper" thing - we had the same issue with DSD one Christmas where she saw DD (toddler) unwrapping piles of tat and she only had a few (more expensive) things - she kicked off big time despite the fact that we had spent about £50 more on her very specifically asked for presents. She just couldn't get past the 'amount' over cost.

Lock should stay. If you can't trust her, you can't trust her. I'd do the same if the issue was with full siblings as well - in fact I remember my brother having a bolt on the inside of his door to stop me busting in on him and his girlfriend

I would however step back a bit now, let DH deal with his daughter and you concentrate on consoling your daughter - she must be very upset

AndShesGone · 27/11/2016 16:24

I'd be checking the pawn shops/ cash converters shops on the way to where she went

She sounds like she stole it and sold it. Or hid it, so I'd also be searching her room.

CoolCarrie · 27/11/2016 16:25

Your daughter has a right to her privacy and to not having her items stolen, borrowed and then lost. It's a shame that she has lost something that was given to her by someone who she loved, and your dsd should be ashamed of herself. Let her have a lock on her door, the dsd obviously can't be trusted. Your dh is being unreasonable not being able to see that.

Original poster

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:29

I have literally ripped her room apart today and left her to clean the mess, she rang her mum to complain and her mum said tough that's what you get for being a thief. DD has ordered the charms and bracelet this afternoon, and I got her an extra one she wanted and told SD she can give DD that and it will be coming out of her pocket money , SD has been down and said sorry a minute ago and she won't do it again but then I heard her saying to OH it's not fair about the lock but he has shut up about it now. It is not coming off until I can trust her again

OP posts:

happypoobum · 27/11/2016 16:32

Why would she be upset about the lock if she wasn't intending to steal from DD again?

pregnantat50 · 27/11/2016 16:33

exactly my thoughts happypoobum

OurBlanche · 27/11/2016 16:34

Of course she will say it isn't fair... it is a permanent reminder that you all think she is a thief!

It's good her mum is backing your take on it.

But do try to calm down so you can look at her and talk to her soon. She probably needs lots of patience and single syllable words for a while. She may never 'get it' but you can insist she acts with respect!

Original poster

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:34

Why would she be upset about the lock if she wasn't intending to steal from DD again?

That's exactly it she wants to get in her room, me and OH never argue and we have done nothing but bicker all weekend over all this.

OP posts:

SoTheySentMeA · 27/11/2016 16:34

She may not have lost it, she may have hidden it somewhere. Have you searched her room? Does she see her mum? Could she have taken it there?

My DSD takes stuff from me, DS and DP all the time. She puts them in her bag and takes them to her mums house. Most recently my coloured pencils. Her reasoning was that she didnt have any, so in her mind that meant it was ok to take mine. Its got to the point where we have to check her bags and pockets before she leaves and then her mum checks them again when she gets there. But I think in our case she just likes stuff and decides to move things to her mums where no one will claim them back.

Its worth having a good search for it in her room, even if she claims she lost it outside somewhere. Chances are, its just hidden.

littlesallyracket · 27/11/2016 16:35

I heard her saying to OH it's not fair about the lock

That in itself is quite revealing, as the only reason the lock would affect her in any way would be if she was planning to continue wandering in to your daughter's room to help herself to things.

SoTheySentMeA · 27/11/2016 16:35

Ah, just seen your update!

Benedikte2 · 27/11/2016 16:36

Rather telling that DSD isn't in favour of DD being able to lock her door.
OP I would have a strict rule that the bedroom door should not be locked after DD goes to bed in case of fire.

DoNotWakeTheDog · 27/11/2016 16:36

The lock would be staying if I was in your shoes.

Have you checked all the bins?

madcatwoman61 · 27/11/2016 16:36

When I had 3 teenage daughters (no steps) I ended up putting locks on all their bedroom doors - key operated with me having the spare keys. I just got exhausted with the constant accusations of pilfering clothes/makeup/stuff. It didn't necessarily stop it but at least the ball was back in their court. If you do have locks, there should be one on each girl's door, so that things are equal! I think it is a teenage thing. I also had a daughter who worshipped 'labels' and one who bought all her clothes off the market. Whatever you do, someone will feel that they are hard done by.

diddl · 27/11/2016 16:37

I should hope that your OH has shut up!

It's not about him, he's not had his stuff taken without permission!

Your daughter probably isn't even that bothered about the bracelet which is being replaced (apart from the one charm).

It's the thought that her step sister doesn't give a shit about her such that she helps herself to whatever of your daughter's that she fancies & to add insult to injury doesn't even bother to look after it enough to be able to return it.

I think that that is nasty & spiteful & designed to hurt.

Original poster

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:38

I'm just sitting here ignoring her at the moment, I told OH she isn't allowed Christmas shopping with me and DD next weekend and he agreed he said she can get what we give her, he has realised she's trying to plat him and his mum and trying to turn us all against each other. Bless him he just made me and DD a hot chocolate and whipped cream SD asked where her's was is and he said the same place as the bracelet lol I showed him the replies on here and he said OK the lock can stay

OP posts:

Original poster

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:42

Have you checked all the bins?

OH is dragging her outside now to pull them all out we hadn't thought of that so she's going to have fun with marigolds on, he's going to stand over her and make sure she checks them all

OP posts:

Scooby20 · 27/11/2016 16:44

Sd do3smt get an opinion in the lock and your dh should have shut her down there and then

SoTheySentMeA · 27/11/2016 16:46

SD asked where her's was is and he said the same place as the bracelet

I get that youre all annoyed with her but I'd try not to let this reactionary sort of behaviour go too far though. Be cautious of going overboard.

dataandspot · 27/11/2016 16:47

I don't think the hot chocolate thing was fair. She's been given a punishment. Execute that and move on.

thequeenoftarts · 27/11/2016 16:48

I think your step daughter needs to lose something very special to her. Something to hurt her and make her realise how awful the feeling is when you have no control over your possessions in what should be a safe place.

So no choosing, when she is not there go in and take something she treasures and spirit it away. Yes it's mean, but some kids are determined to learn the hard way.
By the sounds of things all the adults in her life are on the same page, which is wonderful, so maybe her Mum would allow your daughter go thru her room at her home and spirit away something that has a lot of meaning to her light fingered brat of a daughter.

dataandspot · 27/11/2016 16:49

Or the Christmas shopping for next weekend. How many punishments is she going to get and for how long?

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