Step daughter being unreasonable

[snoopy2016]

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

[Happymumof3tobe]

I understand she has been worrying and upset but why is that your dds fault and a reason to take the bracelet? You need to keeo an eye on her. Even if you were pregnant that's not you dds doing...

[AmeliaLeopard]

There needs to be some kind of reduction in punishment because she did (eventually) own up. Having to admit what she did to her friend will be a horrible thing for her to have to do, and is a kind of natural punishment. I would probably say that grounded plus no electronics for a week, then start next week afresh with the Christmas shopping trip.

[nbee84]

Long shot here (!) but are you from the Chelmsford area. On my facebook earlier was a 'found' pandora bracelet.

[keekaw]

Just to say that I read somewhere that stealing is common in kids from divorced families and it's a way of trying to steal affection. That's what this sounds like tbh. My dss stole from us (£20 from my purse, my DH's watch etc), and his cousin (also from divorced family) stole from his dad. I was furious at the time but now looking back I feel sad about it. Dss is v happy now, thank god.

[travellinghopefully12]

maybe make SD a hot chocolate, or ask DP too? I know she's behaved badly, but she sounds like she's going through a lot and it would be a start to bridging things.

[Msqueen33]

Oh god what a mess! I think the punishment should stand as she's done it deliberately. She should have talked to you both about it. I would maybe see about counselling for her and the lock should also stay.

[neolara]

I think the explanation kind of changes things. I agree a big hug is in order and lots of reassurance. But I'd also keep the basic punishment without adding anything more (e.g. No Xmas shopping etc).

[pimmsy]

So she stole and then lied, but it must of taken great guts ( even if she was totally in the wrong) for her to tell her father why she had justified acting as she did.

It's also a skewed way of her showing trust in her father.


Even if it was all in her head it must have been absolutely awful for her to believe you were pregnant and that she was being left out of the secret.

In french there's a saying " faute avouée, a moitié pardonnée" which means "error confessed, error half forgiven".

In yours shoes I'd aspire to try and forgive her and at least lessen the punishment.

[SVJAA]

The hot chocolate thing was a step too far IMO. I think that the grounding should stand, because she took something that wasn't hers. But also, I think she sounds like a mixed up wee lassie unsure of her place in your family, so she needs reassurance along with punishment.
I really do think the hot choc thing was cruel though.
I'm sorry about your Mum.

[diddl]

I don't think that you can let her off the punishment.

What she did was really horrible & calculated to hurt.

If you were pregnant & had told your daughter-why would she take that out on your daughter?

Why not her dad for not telling her?

[emmyhNL]

I'd leave it for tonight and all come back to it in the morning. It's not good behaviour. Could you ask SD what she thinks she's done and what punishment she thinks she deserves to really get her to understand what the problem is here

[jerryfudd]

I wouldn't give in on the punishment. She still stole and lied. I also wouldn't get rid of the locks - if she's annoyed again about something, what's to say she won't take to stealing from your daughter again if it's her go to action? I would however acknowledge her admission and praise her for coming clean about it. Hopefully she will learn a lesson from all this

[FurryLittleTwerp]

I'm not sure why she would still have to pay for the missing charm, as per your DH, seeing as it is no longer missing.

[GazingAtStars]

The hot chocolate thing is bloody nasty of her dad...I would ground her for 2 weeks and rescind the other punishments. She sounds like she's got a lot going on at the moment and she needs understanding and love rather than spiteful behaviour from her dad.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Whatever the reasoning behind this (I have rtft) it was still wrong to steal the bracelet.

Your DD is still a victim in this and has been a victim of theft before.
Let her keep the lock, her privacy and her stuff safe.

With regards to your DSD she still needs sanctions for what she did and not just a "she was stressed" get out clause.

[ChuckGravestones]

Have you got it back yet?

[fuzzywuzzy]

The punishments should stay, she needs to know there are consequences to her actions.

The locks should definitely stay your dd needs privacy and some way to keep her stuff safe from your DSD stealing her belongings.

Wouldn't add to the punishments but she needs to be punished as stealing the bracelet was calculated and spiteful, any pregnancy or not is not your dd's fault she should have been 'punishing' her dad not your dd.

[Serin]

I think your DSD obviously is struggling emotionally.

It must have been bloody awful for her to think that your DD knew you were pregnant, are you absolutely sure that your DD didn't mean for her to overhear this? The whole story demonstrates that you and DD have your own little secrets that she is not privy to.

You talk about needing to "Talk DD down", be careful that she is not milking this situation. Yes, she is the victim of the theft, but I am not entirely sure if your DSD isn't the victim of your own and DD's spite.

[Bobsmum02]

Some sort of punishment should stand for taking it in the first place and lying but I think to make her pay for the new charm is harsh, no wonder she feels jealous when your daughter benefits from her punishments (fair enough maybe if it was lost but it isn't, and now your DD gets a present at her expense).

I may have felt differently if I hadn't read about the hot chocolate, I'm sorry but that was plain spiteful and your post read in a way that made it seem like you were pleased your DH treated her so badly.

I can understand why this child feels put out tbh, I've been in her shoes and I think it's often underestimated how hard it is to go home and leave your dad playing happy families without you. Ok she shouldn't steal but you shouldn't gang up on her either and by adding punishment after punishment you did exactly that!

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Serin

The DSD has done this before. so lets not blame the OP's DD.

[NoSunNoMoon]

The fact that it looks like she did it on purpose just shows she is spiteful and jealous. Keep the lock on the door.

This ^^

And the punishment stands. She's lied and lied and lied. There is no excuse.

[Serin]

....and I would put locks on both doors, not just one.

It just reinforces that your DD is 'good' and DSD is 'bad' and can't be trusted.

Ever again.

[DeusExDomina]

I feel like you're getting a rough ride here OP, I can understand your DSD's feelings but her actions were unacceptable and just plain spiteful. I would say all the punishments should stay in place and the lock too. What she did was awful and I'd also be looking at whether or not her 'friends' are appropriate for her. They seemed to be a part of hatching this plan and lied to you in the process.

[Serin]

Boney.........Yes and why is she doing it?

? Because she is living with a group of people who are treating her like an outsider.

OP needs to be less quick to attribute blame and take some time to consider what they as a family could do differently, to make DSD feel more included.

I would like to hear DSD's side of the story.

[Scooby20]

The punishment should stand.

She listened conversation, made up her own version of it, stole a bracelet and colluded with a friend to keep it from her step sister lied that she lost it, then lied that she took it because you spend more on dd, let you search her room and is now saying it's all because she thought you were pregnant.

The punishment should stand but you need to have a conversation about what's going on. She only feels lefts out because she assumed something that was wrong . No one did anything wrong to make her feel that way. She did that herself. And that's if you believe this version.

But all the 'no hot chocolate for you' has to stop. The punishment is enough.