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AIBU?

Step daughter being unreasonable

399 replies

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:00

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

OP posts:

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snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 21:20

I think in myself I've done the right thing i have made my peace with SD and now it's time to move on I'm seeing my mental health support worker tomorrow so now it's time to look forward to Christmas me DD and DB he's coming up for the holidays so time to celebrate and spend time thinking of my mum and greaving properly. DB suggested we go to mums grave Christmas Day after dinner to take her a wreath and light a candles for her. DD has been brilliant today she made dinner and washed up and sat giving me cuddles and she's gone to bed early she seems to have taken it in her stride I'm going to ask her school to keep an eye on her I should have done that today but I didn't think to.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 28/11/2016 21:26

Snoopy you sound so fabulous. Your stupid, stupid sd was so lucky to have you in her life.

Manumission · 28/11/2016 21:38

The way a 13 year old is being spoken about by adults on this thread is getting a bit uncomfortable.

Lelloteddy · 28/11/2016 21:47

Agree Manumission. A lot of projecting and agendas rearing their ugly heads with the usual suspects leading the charge.

OP your family has been through a hell of a lot in twenty four hours, never mind the past few months. Don't let the vitriol on this thread influence your attitude towards this little girl.

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 21:50

Agree Manumission. A lot of projecting and agendas rearing their ugly heads with the usual suspects leading the charge.

OP your family has been through a hell of a lot in twenty four hours, never mind the past few months. Don't let the vitriol on this thread influence your attitude towards this little girl.

I won't I'm taking time for me and my family for now in a way being on here has made me see my relationship has been toxic for a long time SD did what she did I will forgive her just not yet, I will never trust her again though but in time I will try and build some relationship with her

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/11/2016 21:55

Lelloteddy and Manumission

The OP has put up with a lot on the thread and has dealt with it all in a very positive way.

Much of the alleged "vitriol" has been pointing out that the OP is right to herself and DD first.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/11/2016 21:56

should be
Put herself and her DD first.

Manumission · 28/11/2016 21:59

I'm not even going to catch up with the whole thread. (I posted early on and it's popping up in my TIO.)

I just think MN is better than pile-ins about children whose parents aren't even here to defend them.

RebootYourEngine · 28/11/2016 22:06

You are doing the right thing Snoopy

kali110 · 28/11/2016 22:09

That sounds a really nice idea for christmas op!
The first Christmas and birthdays are always so hard

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 22:12

To be honest I don't agree I treated SD badly I have spent a long time speaking to people to get her help today, so much so I forgot to make sure my own DD was ok at school, I have put up with so much from SD and non of it was warranted. OH has text loads of times today and I have ignored him as I will say something I might regret so for now me and DD are taking time out. Right now I don't want to go back, he started getting angry earlier because I am ignoring him he started demanding the mortgage money he knows I get paid the last day of the month so I will continue to ignore him for now he's trying to pick a fight and I guess he's been drinking.

OP posts:

StripeyMonkey1 · 28/11/2016 22:12

Snoopy, I just read the thread and you are absolutely doing the right thing for you and for your DD.

SVJAA · 28/11/2016 22:15

OP I think you've done a lot more than many other people would have done despite pretending to be perfect on here and you've also done the right thing by your DD by leaving your H.
There's no harm in taking some time to grieve, to spend time with your DD and have Christmas with your DB. All the best OP, it's time for you to have a break now.

Manumission · 28/11/2016 22:16

I wasn't saying you'd treated her badly snoopy (if that's what you think/are saying).

It's the "stupid, stupid SD" type comments here about someone so young, from people who haven't met her that seemed a bit much.

FWIW, I suspect the problem is your STBX.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Lelloteddy · 28/11/2016 22:19

Snoopy you are doing an amazing job of dealing with all of this.

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 22:19

I wasn't saying you'd treated her badly snoopy (if that's what you think/are saying).

It's the "stupid, stupid SD" type comments here about someone so young, from people who haven't met her that seemed a bit much.

FWIW, I suspect the problem is your STBX.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

So sorry that wasn't aimed at you it was aimed at the people who think I have done wrong by SD I don't know how some people think I could have handled it better x

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BoneyBackJefferson · 28/11/2016 22:21

snoopy

I think that you have been fantastic throughout the entire thread. You and your DD will do very well.

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 22:24

Ok a question do i ring social services to try and get help for SD I have rang the school and spoke in length to them do you think they could help or would it cause just a whole heap of trouble as some people don't like social services being involved

OP posts:

SVJAA · 28/11/2016 22:24

OP this is MN, there will always be people who criticise posters no matter what they do. Fwiw I don't think you could have done any more, in fact I think you've done a lot more than many would have.

ohfourfoxache · 28/11/2016 22:27

Manumission her behaviour HAS been "stupid, stupid" - and in time she'll see this herself. Her sd has lost a very kind, lovely influence in her life and it's all down to her own behaviour and her father's lack of appropriate parenting.

thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 22:31

Wouldn't SS only be involved if there was some sort of safe-guarding issue? And there's not here.
Does the school have any pastoral support staff who could tart by talking to your sd? And then take it from there?

kali110 · 28/11/2016 22:31

Op you haven't treated her badly.
You've put up with more than enough.
You're not even there and yet you've tried to help her. Those are the actions of someone who cares.

I don't agree with some of the names directed at the dsd, but disagree that she's so young.
She's 13, after everything you've written she knows what's right and what's wrong.
Think your xdp is a big problem here though.
He's getting angry because he thought you would just come home after you'd calmed down.
Now he's realised you mean what you say.

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snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 22:34

Wouldn't SS only be involved if there was some sort of safe-guarding issue? And there's not here.
Does the school have any pastoral support staff who could tart by talking to your sd? And then take it from there?

The have student liaison officers I think they are called she goes to a different school to DD so slightly different system I wasn't sure if SS could get her counselling might be best to leave it to the school though I spent ages telling them everything today. They have been really nice and listened and said they would have a word with her.

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ohfourfoxache · 28/11/2016 22:37

It really does sound like you've done everything you can for now.

Is her dad aware of how much you've done for her?

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 22:37

He's getting angry because he thought you would just come home after you'd calmed down.
Now he's realised you mean what you say.

I've realised that he's spitting venom at me he can carry on he can't ring as he's blocked so he can text all he likes I have stopped reading them now got 12 unread messages he will get the message eventually

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