Step daughter being unreasonable

[snoopy2016]

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

[OzzieFem]

I think the punishments should stand. Your DSD not only stole something from your DD that was special to her (as well as all the other things she "borrowed"), but also involved her friends in the cruel trick.

I hope the friend that she gave the Pandora bracelet to gets punished by her parents as well.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

I agree with serin with regards to locks on both doors. I think you need to provide appropriate punishment, work on getting through this and then put it aside. Each time DSD see that lock, she will be reminded of her bad behaviour, and it's not going to make her feel better about her role in the family, is it?

[Badcat666]

Why should both doors have locks on them serin?

The DD didn't purposely go out of her way to steal something very precious from DSD??

The DSD planned and stole things from DD over the last few months and then planned and stole something very sentimental and precious to the DD... if OP DH can't get the bracelet back then DD has lost a bracelet with a charm from her dead GM on it. (which can never be truly replaced) And then DSD then lied and lied about it.

The DSD needs to learn she did something terrible. And if leaving a lock on the DD door for a few weeks enforces that, then so be it.

[Scooby20]

It just reinforces that your DD is 'good' and DSD is 'bad' and can't be trusted.

But she can't be trusted. This all came about be cause she over heard a conversation and drew her own, incorrect, conclusions. She then stole something and is using 'you will love the baby more than me' as an excuse.

A baby that doesn't even exist

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Serin
Yes and why is she doing it?

? Because she is living with a group of people who are treating her like an outsider.

Have you read the OP's posts?
they go shopping together, she gets money spent on her, had a ring bought for her, had a concert place offered to het which she only accepted the day before and the OP still tried to get her a ticket.

In short whatever the DD gets the DSD gets as well.

She gets all this and still steals from her Step Sister. What more does the OP have to do?

[SVJAA]

OP needs to be less quick to attribute blame and take some time to consider what they as a family could do differently, to make DSD feel more included
I don't think that's fair, I think OP has realised that her DSD is hurting and wants to help her, but she can't just let theft slide.

[srslylikeomg]

Oooof were none of you ever tweens? Never make a mistake? Some of you guys are so harsh!

[ohfourfoxache]

How is your dd op? I feel so sorry for her, from what I can see it looks like if something happens that your sd doesn't like then she takes it out on your dd

[Badcat666]

Jesus..... serin Please actually read the OP's posts

You're just making stuff up now about DSD being treated like an oustider. The OP has posted she spends time, money and love on the DSD as much as her DD. Don't try and make the OP out to be some wicked Stepmother just because the DSD has been caught out as a lying little thief because she made assumptions over something she overheard.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

The lock on the door is important to protect the dsd from false accusations as well as the Dd from theft.

In every household (unless you are a minimalist I guess) things go missing regularly. They then turn up 6 minutes, 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months or occassionally 6 years later somewhere completely random that you would never expect.

If there is a known thief in the house then the next time something goes missing then rather than the first thought will not be to check under the cupboard that everything seems to roll under but to accuse your dsd.

I would offer to put a lock on her door too though. It won't do any harm and will stop the locks about the dsd being "bad" and just make them a practical thing.

[Scooby20]

Oooof were none of you ever tweens? Never make a mistake? Some of you guys are so harsh!

Yes of course I did. And received an appropriate punishment.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

I agree with serin with regards to locks on both doors. I think you need to provide appropriate punishment, work on getting through this and then put it aside. Each time DSD see that lock, she will be reminded of her bad behaviour, and it's not going to make her feel better about her role in the family, is it?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

with regards to locks I would pay for proper locks, it will prevent any "funny games".

And yes I would put them on both doors, and sell it as a privacy thing for both girls.

[AngryGinger]

You seem quite happy that DH didn't make DSD a hot chocolate. To me, that was spiteful. To me, that coupled with the fact that she thought a baby would be a threat to her being loved is quite telling. Yes she should punished, but she's obviously having issues with her feelings and I doubt her dad helped by not making her a drink. Way to further single someone else out! And now DD gets rewarded as part of DSD punishment? Insane. She needs to apologise, and mean it and you and you DH need to tell how many ch you for love her

[AngryGinger]

How much you love her, even!

[nokidshere]

You need to draw a line and start afresh even if you keep the month long grounding.

The locks should be removed - especially the one on the inside

[AngryGinger]

And locks on both doors or no doors

[ValaMalDoran]

I would remove the locks. Locked doors are dangerous and reinforce massive barriers.
Instead get BOTH girls some kind of lockable box in which they can keep their most precious things.

The grounding should stand for the lying and stealing but I would not punish past this. She has probably been freaking out all day because she reacted in anger and didnt
Know how to come back from it. The fact her friend has the bracelet to me shows some Compassion for her sister because she couldn't bring herself to throw it away/sell it or similar.

You need to build relationships back up or this will only be the start of your issues. Make next week a time of bonding as a family. If you exclude her from such a big family thing you risk isolating her and making her feel like she is right after all.

At 13 it's really hard to deal with big feelings. This was to her a massive thing. Please try and understand how overwhelming that will have been. Do punish the lying but don't punish her by excluding her from family activities and putting literal locked doors between your kids.

[Serin]

Yes, I have read the full thread.

It's great that they spend money on the DSD but it's not all about money is it? That post about the hot chocolate was spiteful through and through.

I am not saying that the DSD shouldn't be grounded but she is 13 and clearly hurting badly, you can't gang up against a child like that.

I think OP and her OH need to work through this as quickly as possible, let her do her time and move on, and yes OP, I agree that counselling would be a good idea for her.

[ValaMalDoran]

I wouldn't make her buy a charm either. That's basically going to become a symbol of a massive mistake and a really horrible time. Who the hell wants a memory of that?

[thatdearoctopus]

A lockable box might help with jewellery. But it wouldn't stop the dsd taking shoes/boots/jackets/anything else she fancies.

[ValaMalDoran]

A lockable box might help with jewellery. But it wouldn't stop the dsd taking shoes/boots/jackets/anything else she fancies.

It helps with the really special stuff. The rest is done with house rules and building those relationships up so that the girls respect each other's stuff

[Donthate]

Keep the lock on. Hope your dd gets her bracelet back

[RichardBucket]

Gosh I feel really sorry for the kids of all the "NO LOCKS!" posters. Teenage girls deserve privacy

[TataEs]

i would drop the punishment.
she's was scared and confused and i think she needs to remain included in shopping etc, and ffs make the kid a hot chocolate!

however the lock should remain, she stole from your daughter, and whilst the reason for her pain is understandable, your DD shouldn't have to live in fear of her stuff being taken every time DSD gets upset.