To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

Bakeoff so glad it's not just me! Blue are you honestly saying you would let your child stay out overnight with people you didn't know, at an address you didn't know? Honestly? I just don't know anyone who would parent like that.

Yeah I had hysterical parents like you... I moved out at 17 and didn't visit or call much.

Totally agree with mrsryan too.

If course 16 is a 'starting to let go' age. It must be around 40-50% of 18 year olds that go away to university. How is a young adult meant to grow up if you don't allow them some freedom and responsibility?

A curfew at 16 is being classed as being held prisoner ? ok.

How about making sure your school age kids are safe? 16 year olds are known to make bad choices.

Would love to know the democrat of the parents insisting that 16 year olds are basically fully fledged adults.

I basically had to turf my 21 year old out of this house, she floats in (hungover) every Sunday for lunch and She went travelling around Spain this summer so no captives here!!

If he didn't come home, when he finally did he would not be allowed across the bloody door for a month

How?!? You actually don't have the power to do that. Also that would increase resentment and he would be more likely to go off the rails...

Its great that he told you that he was staying - don't punish him for that. Shame that he refused to give the address - probably cos he had visions of you turning up to drag him away. I would agree with him that if I had the address then I wouldn't turn up unless he asks you to.

So glad some like minded people have turned up

Of course he's old enough to make a decision about staying over at a friend's. I understand that you want to know where he is but he probably would have told you if you hadn't insisted he came home. He texted you at 21:00 to let you know what he was doing and you said he couldn't stay out so then it becomes a battle of wills- you want him home - he wants to stay out. Personally I would have said he could stay but I'd like to know the address. I have a son the same age and this happens, not all the time, but fairly frequently. I'm baffled by you saying you never slept away at 16 -I went off on walking, camping and youth hostelling trips with my friends at age 15 - it was character building and taught me independence. He's more than old enough to make a decision about staying at a mate's house for the night and trust that when he informs his parents they won't insist he comes home like a naughty child. Your DH telling him that he's lost a friend is manipulative.

mrsryan
Sometimes you can't stop them! It's about reducing risk - teach them how to behave, request they have a mobile with them and turned on, that way you can get hold of them whether they are with someone you know or not.
Thankfully mine always let me know where they were at that age (At least I THOUGHT I knew - they COULD have fibbed, of course, no way of knowing unless I went round to check, which would not have gone down well.)

I don't understand the "I don't know the parents" angst.

DD is only 11. She started High School in Sep. She has retained most of her friends from Primary but only one is in her class. I know that girl and her parents. She has 6 new friends that I hear about daily. I know all their names but could only pick out 2 of them in the street (and if they werent doing a duck face selfie at the time, maybe not even then!)

I don't know any of the parents, and probably never will. There is no school run, no PTA, no Summer Fayre or Nativity Play. No reason to meet them. Why would I know them?

I have no doubt there will be sleepovers and the like, but that will no doubt be a quick drop off/collection, certainly no 'checking out the family'

At 16 I was doing my own thing, without mum looking over my shoulder. I expect DD to be the same - in fact it's easier now with mobile phones etc. I won't be risking our relationship by mollycoddling her at that age.

Interesting to see the different perspectives here. My eldest DS is16 and no way would I be happy with that. Totally fine for him to sleep over - don't need to know the parents but do need to know where/ who with. It could be fine but having no idea where he is......not good. I'd be furious st the lack of respect. But the 'friends' bit.....nooooo...... he is your son not friend.
Just 16.....still st school, financially dependent.....you are not a hotel when he can turn up when he likes.

Posters who say their dc would never have behaved like that at 16 are not being really helpful. Lucky you. MY now 21 year old would not either but my now 18 year old tested the boundaries much more. All teenagers are different and believe me despite the same upbringing they can behave differently. You have to re establish respect and boundaries which you and the teen can agree on or you will push the teen to withdraw and become secretive.

No captives here either PotNoodle both of mine have travelled world wide, dd2 going off for a month to Viatnam when she was 19, but I knew exactly where she was when she was 16!

I'm with those that say staying out fine, not knowing the parents -fine, but not telling the adress is not ok.

And I'd actually be more worried he won't give the address than the fact it's 6 miles away. Why the secret?

Was he rude and didn't tell you where he was because he was worried you'd turn up and embarrass him? My mum was really strict when I was 16 and 17 so I used to lie about where I was. I wasn't bad or off the rails but I could only go to my school friends houses and not my more recent college friends as they were from the city and not our small town so were clearly dodgy. I wish they'd trusted me more.

I think if you'd just replied with "ok, have a good night. Can you just text me address in case of emergency?" you could have avoided this entirely.

But, hindsight is a marvellous thing.
Hope the anger can settle and you can have a constructive conversation with him later.

Thankfully mine always let me know where they were at that age (At least I THOUGHT I knew - they COULD have fibbed, of course, no way of knowing unless I went round to check, which would not have gone down well.)

My DD is now an adult and has recently told me she was never where she said she was !

The last time mine text me within an hour of curfew asking to stay at a (local and known to me) freinds I initially said yes. When she then said she wasn't coming home for stuff (clothes and more importantly make up) I knew something was up. Told her to come home for stuff (so I could see her) and low and behold she had been drinking. I insisted she come hom because I knew something wasn't adding up. There is no way I would be happy with a (just) 16yo going off to the unknown. Often if they don't want to come home there is a reason for it.

You can only "let go" if they start to demonstrate adult sensibilities. It's reasonable to tell someone where you are. This isn't some tern rebellion - it's someone lacking in any commin sense.
My brother once did this ridiculous not telling you crap. We all went off to visit family all day leaving him locked out (key in front door). He learned to communicate after that.

Piglet I think people, including me have said "mine wouldn't act like that" to counter balance the many posters telling the OP that how her son behaved was normal, acceptable and she has over reacted.

youarenotkiddingme - the secret is because the 16 year old young adult doesn't want mummy and daddy turning up and causing a fuss so that they can tuck him in at 9pm sharp!

If they gave him a little bit of freedom, I imagine he'd have been happy to say where he was. He only became cheeky when the OP started kicking off.

Where is the 9pm curfew coming from? All I see is that the OP DS text at 9ish. Apologies if I missed an update :/

This is doing rounds of me and my friends just now- it's not great and now as a parent I get the worry, but I think it is standard 16yo behaviour!

See I just don't believe this 'oh you can't stop them' I will not apologise for insisting I know where my children are, especially overnight. If I want my kids to stay in, they stay in. Doors locked, windows locked, dropped to and from school. They are my children, I am responsible for them. I really dont think 16yr olds need to be with their friends at 3am. Thats not to say they couldnt stay over with people I knew and could go and get them for whatever reason.

I remember one girl I knew from school, her parents removed her bedroom door and had her signed in and out of school by a parent everyday for nearly 6 months. Granted she was getting for too mixed up in drugs. Sorted her out in the end though. I just think some peoples attitudes in my view, are far to lax about their kids and let them have far too much responsiblty. Just my opinion though, thankfully my dh shares it too.

But he said where he was!

Surely the exact address isn't important?

That runs the risk of Op turning up!

Another time he won't even be letting you know that he's staying out-& then you'll be worrying!