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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so upset, worried and angry at son

475 replies

dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 02:28

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:07

Tipster I see what your saying, it was a threat whilst he wanted some kind of honest address where he is

OP posts:
Sybys · 27/11/2016 03:07

He'd probably isn't giving you the address because he thinks you're likely to turn up at the house and demand be comes home with you. I'd have been mortified at that as a 16 year old. I think you need to show him a bit of trust and give him a bit of freedom, then he'll be more cooperative.

dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:08

That was Topseyt not tipster. Sorry

OP posts:
dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:11

Thanks folks. It's hard isn't it? I just want to know he is safe. I'm not crazy. I'm extremely normal (whatever that is!) And love life. Like he does. But I can't help wanting to know where he is. I still believe I am right on this part.

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TheBouquets · 27/11/2016 03:13

I really don't want to scare the OP half out her mind but I have an older child who was (and still is) a nightmare. DC always had to push the boundaries and frequently got into one bad situation after another. Has never listened to anything any adult has said to them. I wont go into detail but I wish I had had the strength to fight it out every time and strike fear into them. Not for my good, for their good. Maybe if one word of advice had been listened to their life would be completely different.
My DC is too old now to be told anything, does not live in the family home and although I should n longer worry I still do.
I really think you are being totally natural and responsible and I just hope that by this time tomorrow all is settled. I see it as this almost adult boy who is likely aware that you have to work at 7 a.m.tomorrow is putting you through hell prior to working. You didn't say what your job is but I hope you are not driving or having peoples lives in your hands after spending the night worrying about a selfish little boy.

lalalalyra · 27/11/2016 03:14

You can't help wanting to know where he is, it's not about not wanting that. It's about accepting that he's getting to a point where he doesn't have to share it if he doesn't want too. That's the hardest bit imo.

Get some sleep and try and deal with it calmly with him tomorrow. It will come up again so try and get a system/rule that you can all live with.

You can have mine for the night if you like. He's tipsy, eating crisps loudly and droning on about how lovely the accountant from his works do is for an "older" woman - she's the grand old age of 27 and if he refers to her as older/old again I might throttle him.

stonecircle · 27/11/2016 03:15

Perfectly normal for him to want to stay over with friends at 16. In another 2 years he will be an adult and possibly living away from home. You need to start helping him on the road to independence.

I'm guessing if you hadn't objected he would happily have given you an address so you at least knew where he was for the night.

Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 03:15

You are not wrong wanting to know but unfortunately there isnt a lot you can do about it if he doesnt want to tell you.

All you can do is sit him down and explain that he will earn your trust far more if he is honest and truthful with you rather than pulling stunts like this. But you wont be able to stop him going out, and pulling the plug on the internet etc will just increase his resentment at what he sees as your unfair rules. Treat this as a one off, ask him to respect you and your feelings and you will respect his, and then hopefully he will realise that it isnt worth the hassle.

Sybys · 27/11/2016 03:15

It's reasonable to want to know where he is, but if you weren't being unreasonably strict, I imagine he would have told you. It's fine and normal to worry, but you seem very overprotective imo.

Topseyt · 27/11/2016 03:15

I think your initial texts back to him were OTT.

You jumped in with an automatic "NO" and began bombarding him. It was never going to end well. You could have got the address (probably) by telling him it was OK provided that he sends you the address now so that one of you can come and collect him in the morning.

You went straight for the confrontation and put his back up.

dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:19

theBouquets a nurse! Shock

OP posts:
dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:21

My text was gentle to be fair. ' no, not this time, sorry, I don't know who you are with or his family

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 03:22

And he did ring you to let you know, he didnt have to did he?

You need to think about whether your own behaviour contributed to his.....

Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 03:23

I say this as kindly as a can, but "I dont know his family" is what you say to a 6 year old about a sleep over, not a 16 year old! The chances of any adult family members being there is very slim.

dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:24

I don't have the we willpower to think as actually. I have to try and get some we sleep.

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dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:25

Why, do the adults go to all night raves?! Leaving the kids all night?! Jesus! I am out of touch.

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stonecircle · 27/11/2016 03:25

But at 16 why do you need to know his friends before he can stay over with them?

dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:27

How the hell do I presume every family is ok? The whole world is warped. Seriously, how is it OK to assume they're ok? If you don't know people?

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PerspicaciaTick · 27/11/2016 03:27

You and your DH seem to have succumbed to teenage dramatics.

You have time to plan a very calm, dignified response.

I would suggest starting with no more phone money if he isn't using it to keep in touch with you about his safety and whereabouts.

dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:29

person good start. Thanks for idea. He can also get a job if he is needing money that mother gives.

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dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:29

Bloody stupid autocorrect! Perps

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stonecircle · 27/11/2016 03:30

Dogs - I repeat, he's 2 years off being an adult. You need to start cutting him some slack. And the whole world is not warped. Get a grip.

dogsdieinhotcars · 27/11/2016 03:31

At 03:30 my grip has slipped!

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 27/11/2016 03:32

What do you suggest is the alternative to assuming that they're ok?

At what point does he get to judge for himself? 18? 21? 30? How does he build up his skills in judging people if he is never allowed to make a decision for himself about staying over?

What are you going to do next year or the year after when he announces that he's going to Ibiza for a fortnight with his mates? Or London for a weekend?

Once they get to 15/16/17 it's about helping them make choices. We have, or should have, already equipped them to make the choices, teenage years are their time to practise and hone their skills. You can't meet every person he socialises with and stays with. It's not possible so you have to trust him to do so.

lalalalyra · 27/11/2016 03:34

Don't be too rash with punishments. You really, really need to think any through before you dish them out or you might shoot yourself in the foot.
If you want him to call you then you cut off his phone do you think that will stop him going places? It'll simply leave him unable to call.

Dealing with teenagers is a massive balancing act between setting boundaries, not over-reacting and not cutting off your nose to spite your face.