To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

I guess this thread reflects the fact that we all had slightly different upbringings. I was a fairly sensible teen and at age 16 my parents were quite happy for me to go out drinking and go to be nightclubs, as was the case for all of my friends. I'd let them know in advance when I'd be staying, although typically I'd end up going home once the club closed at 3.

when do you let go? About half of kids go to uni at 18 so surely you have to cut them a bit of slack at 17 at the latest?

I'm watching with interest as I'm sure I've got all this to come.

Hope you manage to get some sleep OP.

He's 16, just leave him b.

I lived alone at 16. He's not being very mature about it admittedly but if at 16, he's not allowed to sleep at his mates then I'm not surprised he's rebelling against you. If he was 12 I could understand it but he's 16! Almost an adult.

I have 3 ds's, 17 19 and 21.

No way would I have been accepting of not knowing where my 'just turned' 16 year old was overnight.

Apart from the 'good friend' bit OP had every right to be pissed off with him

That shold read managed obviously!

I lived alone at 16

So did I with a 1 month old baby. That's why I liked ti know where my kids are late at night.

You need to trust him a bit. He can judge if he is safe. You don't say anything to suggests he's likely to be up to any trouble. He's old enough to leave home - he is old enough to judge his surroundings. He let you know his plans, just not enough detail for you to disrupt them! All the friends stuff sounds like emotional blackmail.

Bakeoff Fair enough. As long as Op understands that she isn't a failure because she feels out of control right now. It's about what she does next to move forward and it might be tricky for a while. Teenagers can be so difficult!

i lived alone at 16 why do so many people use this as a valid reason for allowing teenagers to do what the fuck they want just because some people have lived alone at 16 does not mean that we should all just suddenly absolve ourselves of responsibility as soon as the candles have been blown out ffs

No I don't think 16 year olds can judge is they are safe enough. But then inthink it depends on where you live or the people that you hang around with.

At 16 I was very irresponsible and immature yet still had my own house and very small baby - just because I was old enough for all that it doesn't mean I was a fully fledged adult.

At 16 I made sure I knew where my dd was and TBH it was never an issue because she wasn't fucking about or trying to hide Stuff.

I wouldn't necessarily have expected to know the parents but I would have expected the address for him when he called.

I would love to know everyone's reactions had this been a 16 year old GIRL. potnoodle makes a very good point here.

Surely it is respectful for members of the same family living under the same roof to say where they are going and where they are staying. I always say where I will be and so does my husband. My sons did when they lived at home. Maybe it is different now though with mobile phones as anyone can be reached in an emergency.

One of the things that really baffles me about Mumsnet is the idea that when they hit 16 you stop parenting!

And that somehow the courtesies that anyone living in a community (aka a family) should show each other don't apply to teenagers.

If I went out leaving my nearly 16 year old alone one evening and decided to stay over I would check in with him and tell him where I was. And I would leave my phone on. I would expect the same consideration from him.

as a previous poster has said - you need to pick your battles when you are raising teens, or you will lose your sanity. In theory he could leave home at this age and be living wherever he chooses. He will probably be feeling embarrassed in front of these friends when being told he must come home, and at this age I'm afraid their peers' opinions are more important than the ones of their parents. I would sit him down when he comes home and just explain to him that he needs to be more respectful because your actions are only because you care about his wellbeing, but you also need to start cutting him a bit of slack. If you don't, your relationship with him will suffer, and you will push him away. Best to keep him close so you have a bit of influence on his life choices, rather than alienating yourself by being too strict.

OP I think you're getting far too much flack here. I've seen quite a few kids get into all sorts of trouble and almost all had overly permissive parents. Having said that - your son is growing up and needs to be allowed more freedom. So when he comes home sit down and discuss ground rules - if he turns his phone off and doesnt answer when you call he pays for it himself. That is very rude and thoughtless behaviour and he needs to realise that.

You admit that you were wrong to say an automatic no to him staying over with people you dont know but that he must know where he is and tell you. If he wants complete freedom he can fend for himself and move out. Since he wants a lot more freedom he can start to take on the responsibilities that go with it - so you expect him to start looking for part time work.

You need to have a discussion about not automatically doing what everyone else is doing but having the courage not to get into ridiculous situations. At 16 I'm afraid he will be doing that whatever you say or do and you'll need to get used to picking up the pieces but he'll grow up a lot if you can get him into part time work.

The lad was rude, & at 3:30am I can understand why OP wasn't being rational.

My son started applying for the army at just 16yo. He wasn't simply "a child" any more.

Saying "You can't stay because I don't know them" is the same as saying

"I don't trust you"
"You can't decide for yourself who the safe people are.
"You can't handle any problems that might happen."
"You can't make decisions for yourself"
"You aren't ready to grow up"

OP doesn't trust her son, he doesn't trust his folks enough to give them the address. There's plenty of mutual distrust going on.

EXACTLY pudcat, we don't need the address with mobiles!

We much live in a different world to most people on this thread.

Agreed. I was working full time in Glasgow when I was 16 but would never have done this to my mum and dad. My mum would have been so worried and I would have felt awful about it.

I tilt towards your side, OP.

He is still in school, living at home, being supported by you, your responsibility. He isn't grown up yet.

I don't think it was unreasonable to ask where he was and ask that he come home.

I, too, think it's odd how so many people think 'wham, 16, grown up!' Because they're not.

I think this morning will be interesting.

*Saying "You can't stay because I don't know them" is the same as saying

"I don't trust you"
"You can't decide for yourself who the safe people are.
"You can't handle any problems that might happen."
"You can't make decisions for yourself"
"You aren't ready to grow up"*

No it is not. Saying 'you can't stay because I don't know them' is the same as saying

'I love you'
'I am concerned about you'
'I worry about you'
'I want you to stay safe'
'Again, I love you'

However, as it happened the OP didn't simply refuse because she didn't know them, there was slightly more to it than that, like the DS refusing to give the exact location and lying about where he was initially.

I never said you should stop "parenting" at 16 but treating a 16 year old like a 6 year old isn't going to help anyone is it. How can kids learn to be responsible and independent if they're babied forever?

Those who think its ok for a 16 year old to just not turn up at home one night and not let parents know where they are, is the reverse ok too? Parents can just decide to not go home one night and not tell teen about where they are.

Hope he gets home safe op

Give him a hug and then give him a bollocking.

when do you let go? About half of kids go to uni at 18 so surely you have to cut them a bit of slack at 17 at the latest?

I totally agree Sybys.

If OP had said. "OK, text me the address so I know where you are, have a good night" then all this angst could have been avoided. She'd still not know the parents, but I doubt he would have turned the phone off. OPs overreaction just made a 'not ideal' scenario into a bad one.

Do we think OPs son was sitting up raging 6 hours after the call? Worried sick? Panicking? Of course not. But he may well be plotting to be more sneaky now - to turn his phone off as soon as he goes out, to not phone his parents at 9pm, to 'rebel'.

If OP reads the riot act when he gets home the shit really will hit the fan.