To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

Dogs- I did wonder if starting at 7 a.m. you would be a nurse. I am sure that your DS will know that is your occupation. I also had a parent in an occupation which they needed their full concentration and I was always aware that there were to be no upsets before, during or after a shift. In your case you have patients who will need you to be on top form.
I totally agree that your son is disrespecting his parents. I have sat many a night worrying. It is not good and I remember reading in a Newspaper that children who put their parents through runaways/disobedience/risk taking are cruel to the parents. I believe this to be the case given my experiences.
It is such an unnecessary worry all he had to do was given the address to avoid all this stress.

Seriously (and this is a general point, rather than a way of dealing with this particular one-off incident), he is two years away from leaving home and living among strangers.

How do you get from this point (where you are the only person able to judge if a family is OK for him to be around) to a point in the future where he can make those judgments himself, independently. How do you go about gradually handing over the responsibilty for keeping himself safe?

IMO the only way is for you to trust him, talk to him and be there to support him if it goes wrong. Make sure that you keep good lines of communication open so that he feels he can come to you for help and support and reassurance.

But he was really disrespectful tonight and he needs to know that you aren't happy about that...but don't get bogged down in being really severe (or emotionally blackmailing him about your lost friendship). Make your point then move on.

I know - it's difficult! I suspect one of the reasons I'm not asleep is because I know it was my 19 year olds university rugby do tonight. There will no doubt have been all sorts of bad behaviour and I'd love to know that he's safely tucked up in bed now. But he's 300 miles away so I don't.

Letting go is really hard but if you don't want your DS to push you away and become secretive you need to start letting him have some independence.

I have 3 sons and by the time they get to 16 it's impossible to know all their friends.

Why, do the adults go to all night raves?! Leaving the kids all night?! Jesus! I am out of touch.

Assuming they are all 16 then the parents could be away for the weekend, or it could be older kids having a party. At 16 he could be living independently, I was at 17, not needing a parent in the house with him 24/7

The more you post the more I think that you really are struggling to see that he is not your little boy anymore. He is a young man with a mind of his own and you cannot control that anymore and tbh I think that you have been lucky to make it this far with no issues if 90% of the other teens I know are anything to go by.

Tbh OP it might be worth adopting my parents' rule. It was quite simply

"You tells us where you're going, you can go. You tell us where you're staying, you can stay."

Looking back I realise that I didn't have to, and without locking me in the house and standing guard they actually couldn't have stopped me. But it worked. I was always honest, I never lied... but my friends did.

Try it.

Yes, it is disrespectful. Totally. Yes he does know I'm at work.
As for not knowing who he is with I still see that as my responsibility. I don't have to be in any friendship with them. I am bitterly disappointed, and yes I do see worse case scenarios. I'm a nurse. The real world is not pretty.

Is he your only child?

I have said pretty much those words recently milk .not as lot to ask.

No. I have another DS age 11

The real world is not pretty.

Sometimes it isnt. But often it is, and fun and enjoyable. You see the worst side of what can happen because they have ended up in hospital. What you dont see is the hundreds that dont end up hurt or in trouble, because they of course dont end up in hospital.

It may be your responsibility today - but exactly how do you plan to teach him to be a good judge of characters and situations if you don't give him the opportunities to try?

bogey ha ha! You don't know him, of course. But he is far from ready to go it alone. I know you weren't suggesting it but just saying. Anyway. I do not need to defend myself. Like I say, the world is not pretty. I'm sure he is safe.
Thanks for all your input. I must try and sleep. I think you have ALL helped in some way.

Sorry I think you are really over-reacting. He is 16! That is old enough to get married or join the army. You have to know the parents? Really?
You sound really controlling.

Also, he is not your friend, he is your child.

The real world may not be pretty, but it's where we live. So we either take chances and live or we wrap ourselves and our children up and just exist.

Life is about assessing situations and taking risks based on the calculations.

I don't think almost 4am when you are wound up and distressed is a time where you are going to get any perspective on this. Try and get some sleep OP, whatever tomorrow brings it'll be easier with even a small amount of rest behind you.

You need to sit down with him tomorrow and calmly explain why it is so important that he is honest with you... and for your side of 'the bargain' you will not react how you did tonight again.

You need to understand that this is going to happen. Rein in the lack of respect by staying calm and by being fair.

As others have said, he's not going to magically acquire adult skills on his 18th birthday. It's our job as parents to teach them those skills and give them the opportunity to learn and put them in to practise. If we don't do that then we haven't done our job properly.

Dogs my son has cerebal palsy and learning difficulties, he was very trusting and very easily led. Letting him go off and make his own mistakes was very very hard, I do understand I promise.

But knowing that if he fucked up or made a mistake or the all night "really good" party turned out to be a drink and drugs fest, he could come home any time and not be judged made a huge difference. He never felt he had to stay anywhere he felt unhappy or unsafe because of a row at home. Accepting that he is going to do this, whether you judge him ready or not, but making sure he knows that home is his safe haven will make it much easier for both of you. You will sleep better knowing that if things did ever go bad, he would come home and he will have a better time.

Best to try to get some sleep and hope tomorrow will be better. It is hard when working in certain occupations and you see all sorts of horrors to see anything but the horror stories.
Try to explain reasonably why it is that he has to respect your need for peace of mind in your own home and family. Hopefully he will get it but if not you have to take a firm line

he was probably acting all cocky in front of his mates, i did this at 16 too!
and the whole vague address thing i did that because i was filled with the thought and dread of seeing my dads work van pulling up outside to pick me up and making me look a total saddo.
He's just being 16 and rebellious and can imagine he's gonna shit himself when he gets home tomorrow! YANBU but lighten the rains a little because otherwise he could really rebel
Try get some sleep, it's not the end of the world, by god I think 60% of us did worse than this when we were 16, I'm still doing daft stuff now 5 years later.
My parents had a thing with me if I was out at people's houses they didn't know for me to text them every few hours just to say like "hi I'm okay" maybe try that when he's out with friends you don't know?

And tbh I don't think it's wrong to be friends with your kids as long as there's a boundary right? It's good he talks to you! Sleep well x

he was probably acting all cocky in front of his mates, i did this at 16 too!
and the whole vague address thing i did that because i was filled with the thought and dread of seeing my dads work van pulling up outside to pick me up and making me look a total saddo.
He's just being 16 and rebellious and can imagine he's gonna shit himself when he gets home tomorrow! YANBU but lighten the rains a little because otherwise he could really rebel
Try get some sleep, it's not the end of the world, by god I think 60% of us did worse than this when we were 16, I'm still doing daft stuff now 5 years later.
My parents had a thing with me if I was out at people's houses they didn't know for me to text them every few hours just to say like "hi I'm okay" maybe try that when he's out with friends you don't know?

And tbh I don't think it's wrong to be friends with your kids as long as there's a boundary right? It's good he talks to you! Sleep well x

You seem quite preoccupied with keeping him on the straight and narrow, you and your DH have played good cop/bad cop with him for years, you are anxious that the label you have attached to him - 'a follower' - will lead to bad things. You are suspicious of people he knows who are not 'lifelong friends'.

I think you have allowed anxiety to get the better of you. You are catastrophising.

I also think you and your DH are both playing a very silly and maybe even dangerous game with this good cop /bad cop thing and the attempt to manipulate him emotionally -
My husband told him in text that he has lost a good friend in me.

You all need to grow up. It's more urgent for you and your DH than it is for your DS.

I recommend this book: www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/1853408573
'How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk' by Adele Faber.

Your approach so far is based in fear, and it will not only fail - because unless you are going to lock up your DS until he turns 18 he will always have the upper hand as he demonstrated tonight - but it will give you hours of pointless angst and worry. It will also fall short when it comes to guiding your DS into confident young adulthood. It has failed to make you and DH into confident parents.

You are going to have to learn to trust your DS. This means that you are going to have to trust that what you have taught him so far has sunk in.

I think your son just worked out how long his leash is, and how much you can do about it if he is beyond the length of that leash.

You handled that badly from the start.

He texted you to let you know he wanted to stay out - that was a GOOD thing and you should have reinforced that behaviour.

You didn't, you punished that behaviour by telling him he couldn't stay out.

THEN you demanded to know where he was.

You've already punished the GOOD behaviour here, and now he is VERY aware that actually right now he is beyond your ability to do anything else bad to him - if he doesn't tell you where he is, there is NOTHING you can do about it.

If you had said 'Righto, thanks for letting us know, can you let me know where you are though?'

The chances are you would now know where your son actually is tonight.

He wouldn't have kicked back, he would not be so very aware of how long the leash really is, this whole situation would not have occurred.

After all if it REALLY matters so very very much that you know exactly where he is and who he is with...

Where the hell did you think he was up until hte point he rang, how did he get there and how was he getting back?

Bogeyface He never felt he had to stay anywhere he felt unhappy or unsafe because of a row at home.

My DCs are now aged 15 to 26. My rule was that they could and can go to parties, etc., and I am ready to come and pick them up anywhere, any time, with no questions asked if they text or call me to say things have gone tits up. I also take friends home if they want to leave. I would prefer if they went with a friend that the friend comes home with me, actually. I don't like the idea of leaving someone alone. I sit in the car a little down the street from the party venue and tell them where they can find me. I have done it a few times.

Great post WiddlinDiddlin.

Math yes, knowing that they have an "out", a rescue, makes them feel much more secure. Its finding that middle ground between keeping them as young children for as long as possible, but not chucking them out into the harsh cold world to sink or swim on their own.

I agree with you that widdlins is a great post.

OP, do listen read the advice given here, it is spot on. I know it is very, very hard to adapt to the changes in adolescence, one minute they are fourteen and suddenly they are sixteen. You call yourself his friend, but you cannot identify with all the embarrassment of having to go home at 9 pm on a Saturday night for a sixteen year old. I am nearly 65 and my far from liberal mother gave me until 11 to get home, when I was his age. The one time she wanted me home at 9 pm I stayed away for three days.

My stricter friends had terrible problems with their teenagers. I and another friend who were much more easy going saw our teenagers survive adolescence intact.