To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

I speak as one who foolishly did tell Mother where I was and was mortified that she turned up raging and mental and dragged me home.

I never told her where I was again.

I ignored groundings and just did what I wanted because I realised she had no actual power over me any more if I didn't give it to her, and as a result I ended up in sticky situations and unpleasant places because I could not ask for help from her.

That all ended up in a massive downward spiral of my behaviour and really the start of it was in me doing the right thing.. and being heavily punished for it.

If you ever read up anything about learning theory, you'll realise that its INCREDIBLY easy to kill off behaviour you want, by punishing it.

The brain requires lots and lots of positive experiences to learn some stuff (like trust, that things are safe, etc)..

It only requires one or two nasty experiences to learn that something is dangerous.

I would highly recommend that when your son does reappear, you have an honest and open chat with him, where YOU admit you handled that badly and you are sorry.

That opens the way for you to explain that you do feel uncomfortable with him staying at unknown places and for you to discuss between you, how you can reduce your anxiety over that and ensure he stays safe.

Otherwise theres a damn good chance you'll have just taught him to lie to you in future - after all he didn't HAVE to tell you where he was at all he COULD have siad he was staying with someone you DO know and you would have been none the wiser!

Widdilin - I hope none of your DCs ever read your post above here. If they find out that Mum holds no power you will be right up the creek with disobedience and devil may care at your house.
There is one power that mums have that you have over looked. Once the DCs are of reasonable age mum does not have to actually be mum or provide for DCs.
Surely it is a question of respect. If DCs carry on in one way parents can only react accordingly.
I have noticed in RL that sometimes parents who do things like drink to excess are violent to the children are better thought of than those parents who bend over backwards for the DCs.
It can be a strange world.

I do think you overreacte to his request to stay out, OP, but, against the grain here, I don't think you overreacted to his behaviour after that point. Rightly or wrongly, you asked him where he was. He is 16 and your responsibility. Whilst I think you have to start letting go a bit, the time to do that mentally may not be the time to do it practically in this case. Your DS acted like a baby so he shouldn't be too surprised and when you treat him like one wrt this incident.

" Your DS acted like a baby "

er no he acted like a 16 year old...

Honestly op this is all very dramatic.

He has acted like a normal teen, it's not ideal and I get why you are worried.

However the 'you have lost a friend' text and worrying about damaging the father son relationship is over the top.

You are his parent not his friend. He doesn't think yiu are his friend. He has friends. Emotional blackmail ends two ways. Either with a difficult relationship with you which will cause problems. Or total rebellion to prove your blackmail doesn't work.

If this incident damages the relationship between father and son, something isn't right. This is fairly normal teenage behaviour.

Bloody hell, I didn't even live at home at 16, I was in basic training for the asked forces hundreds of miles away from my parents! Long before this, from say 14, my parents regularly went away for weekends leaving me at home.

I say this kindly but you really need to cut the apron strings, or you'll just push him away.

You really don't need to now his friends parents anymore fgs, or his friends for that matter.

In your shoes it might be best to eventually have a list of his best mates numbers and have them for true emergencies only.

But also get him to invite his new friends round to yours. They might be ok. He might have been just embarrassed at having stricter boundaries then the others because it's not cool for your mum to demand that your home.

Rather then punish him, I would have a long chat about how you can both stop a repeat. Explain how worried you've been. What system can you both put in place?

He is 16 not 6. At that age it is normal to have friends parents have never met. Why did you say 'no' to him staying out?

You need more age appropriate rules. If he stays out he send a text to say where he is. He sends this before your bedtime. You send him a response to say 'fine, have a nice night, dont forget that tomorrow you are doing XYZ so need to be back in time for that'. That response is important as it is only when he gets the response that he knows you got his message.

I have teen and older DCs so have learned to manage this.

My husband told him in text that he has lost a good friend in me

I totally get that you wanted to know where he was. I would have wanted to know where my kids were, and no, they would not have been able to stay at another persons home if I didnt know the parents well.

But Im sorry - I think your reaction in that he's lost a good friend in you is an over reaction. Its not healthy for the simple reason what he did in the grand scheme of things isn't that awful and I wonder what you'd do if he ever did screw up badly.

And to be honest it sounds like the kind of thing kids would have a laugh at and I can imagine him and his friends all imitating you saying it and having a right laugh when he tells them what happened on the phone.

Please try and take a step back from this because if you go in all heavy handed now you'll have nothing up your sleeve for when he really does something wrong.

He's 16! You don't need to know where he is at all times! If you had text him, ok thanks for letting me know, would you like a lift back in the morning to save you a taxi fare...
Mine text to let me know if they are coming back or not so I can go to bed.
It's disrespectful not to let you know, but I don't think disrespectful to stay out when you said no.

As a nurse you will realise that a 16 makes their own decisions regarding surgery and you have no overriding veto.

I'd be praising him for letting you know, not punishing him for staying out!

Your not his 'mate' though your his mum- a parent. Your 1st Job is to parent - not appeal to his better 'nature' to guilt trip him in tin coming home.

He was taking the piss.
His mate was taking the piss to by laughing at you.

They were both obviously somewhere they shouldn't have been possibly doing something they shouldn't have been.

Where is your responsibility to him? Where are the boundries you have set so he knows how far to push it? Where are the boundries so he knows what's socially acceptable and what's not?

It really makes my teeth itch when parents proclaim to be 'best friends or mates' with their kids. It just reminds me of that teacher in school who tried to be 'down with the kids' but every one just took him for a knob.

op I hope when he get in you both come down on him like a ton of bricks- none of this manipulation bullshit that your not his 'mate'. You should know where your kids are at night and if you don't it's a massive parenting fail. He could be up to all sorts of no good.

16 and don't need to know where they are? Ok

It's strange on here that on some threads - your a child untill 18 especially on SP threads yet on others you can be shacked up in your bedroom with your boyfriend at 16 on others...

I'd be very concerned if there was s group of 16 year olds wondering around refusing to tell there parents where they were especially in this weather.

I think some folk on here have lead very sheltered lives

Having been through similar things I would try and remain calm. It is hard to know when to begin to let go as a parent but it works both ways. Talk with your ds today about how things will be in the future. For example you could say you have no problems with him deciding to stay out but you will always need an address for emergencies. It's about letting him know it's about respect and safety rather than control. Try and agree the rules so that this situation doesn't happen again. Be prepared to gradually relax the rules as he gets older. I find that now both my sons will happily let me know where they are (18 and 21) in the same way I would tell them if I was staying out!

OP no way in hell would I brush this off as normal 16 year old. I would never have been so rude to my mum. I wouldnt have had the balls to do that because ) I knew the repercussions and 2) i wasnt a wee shit
If my ds is told no then the answer is no. If he didn't come home, when he finally did he would not be allowed across the bloody door for a month. Being 16 does not give permission to be so rude and dismissive. At 16, and only just, mine would have 2 years of school left. I couldn't care if the can get married. If they live in my house the have rules like everyone else. I don't know any parent who would let their just turned 16 child stay out at an address they didn't know with people they didn't know. You can bet your life on it that it is more likely to be drinking/smoking/drugs etc

Massive over reaction OP, but I understand how you feel.

Teenagers are the most self absorbed people on the planet, they are generally incapable of seeing a situation from another point of view. So, he doesn't get why you are worried, simply because he hasn't experienced that worry himself. He will not give a second thought to you worrying all night before having to get up to work at a demanding job. Because he texted you and told you he was staying out, so as far as he's concerned you have nothing to worry about. He won't be thinking further than than that. Your mind is working overtime, his isn't, he's simply living in the moment.

He's on the cusp of adulthood, and peer pressure is immense. He would rather get a rollicking from you than being sneered at by his mates for being treated like a little kid with a curfew.

That is all there is to it.

You're not his friend by the way, you're his mum.

You feel hurt because you thought he would treat you more fairly, because you've got a cool 'me and my boy are best buddies' vibe going on. But really he's just proved like thousands of teens before and after him, that pushing away from parents, is a big part of growing up.

I wouldn't be too hard on him, I would go from the 'we need to know where you are so if there was an emergency at home we could contact you' angle. If he wants more freedom, which he should, make him aware of his part in giving the details you need next time.

Because there will be lots of 'next times' and your best chance of knowing as much as you need to regarding his safety starts with treating him like a young adult, making him aware of possibly dangers, and him understanding that you're not curbing his fun, you are responsible for his safety as much as you can be.

And good luck.

Please resist the urge to tell him off or punish him because of YOUR anxiety when he gets home. This did not have to be a major issue. He has a mobile phone, so do his friends. Any of them could dial 999 in an emergency.
Yes, things do go wrong, but you only see the worst in your job.

Story time.
You want to give someone a present. You shop for it, wrap it beautifully and take it to him. You hold it out to him. You let him open the box that you are holding and take a peek inside. But will you let go of the box and let him have what is inside?
You have helped hold the box until now.
It's not fully his until you let go of it completely.
You gave him the gift of life. Time to start letting him have it.

We all make mistakes - why not allow him to make a few little ones, so he can learn from them and not hurtle straight into massive ones as he never had the chance to deal with the small stuff?

I'm sure you can find a way through this.

I can't believe some of the posts I'm reading, I have 2 dds, (now 26 and 22).

As a poster said unthread it's about respecting each other. If my dds' had texted and behaved like the OP's son, I'd have been so bloody angry! It isn't even about parent/child relationship, it's about thinking about someone who cares about you. I know teenagers don't always think logically but to me, refusing to tell you where he is and switching his phone off is so unkind.

And all this "well he's 16, he could be living on his own" really is ridiculous. How the heck can he afford to live on his own, there's not a chance in hell he can afford rent etc.

Why is everyone so hung up on knowing the address?
He has a mobile!
You don't need to have an address in order to phone it!
He just needs to keep it switched on! (So not embarrassing him to the point where he turns it off is regrettable)

Just to add OP I would be very calm with him when he comes home, he may expect his dad to go ballistic, but it really doesn't work. A calm "we are so disappointed in you, that you'd leave us worrying all night about where you were" etc will be more effective that yelling at him.

I'd also be reminding him who pays for his mobile, the main reason being so he can communicate, with you about where the fuck he is.

OP I really think you are unrealistic in expecting him to be home by 9pm on a Saturday when he is 16, and in not allowing him to sray at friends if you don't know the parents. That is not normsl.

You said you just wanted to know that he was safe, but you DID know that because he texted you to say so. As a pp said, you need to have an agreement that he texts you at X time to let you know he's staying out and you text back.

When my ds was 16, he had a group of boys he hung out with, they all stayed round each others houses all the time at weekends. I have never met any of their parents and only know where one of the group lives because we drive through that village to get to town and ds pointed the house out to me once. I did get to know the boys as they sometimes stayed round ours where they would eat me out of house and home.

Please listen to the advice on here about letting your ds grow up and not embarrassing him (and alienating him) by treating him like a 12 year old.

MrsRyanGosling your post at 8.36, I wish there was a like button!

We much live in a different world to most people on this thread.

you cannot keep a 16 a prisoner.
A curfew is exactly that. You don't want him to regard his home as a prison?

I'm surprised that people see 16 as a "starting to let go" sort of age. My children are DD22, DD14 and DS5. My 22 year old at 16 was not testing boundaries and I was not needing to let go. That came much later - about 18/19 when she really was old enough to make decisions. Again, my 14 year is a long way from that point. I might think differently with my son in 10 years though! He might be testing the boundaries a lot younger!

I agree bakeoff

my eldest is 21 and she would have never behaved like this. I think it's shows massive levels on immaturity and maybe he should be in at nine if he behaves like dick while out of the house.

MrsRyanGosling I totally agree.