To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

can i just add this link for all the people who think it's entirely normal for their teenagers to stay out al night at unknown places

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-38132401

I didn't hate you or your DH for his comment.

It was just the type of ill-thought-out thing that my DH has often come out with on the spur of the moment, for which I have frequently pulled him up. I had to do it last night when he took it upon himself to tell DD3 that I would not print her homework (her printer not working)!!

Another vote too for one of the portable chargers. I have one. It carries at least two good full charges for my phone, which runs down ridiculously fast otherwise.

Mine is an Anker one, bought on Amazon for £12. Small and easily carried in bag or pocket along with phone.

Phone chargers make good stocking stuffers too (I gave dd a Star Wars one last year). Good for when the family dynamics are restored perhaps.

I think the important thing with teenagers is to treat them not as children or as adults but as the teenagers they are. My dd brings her friends around a fair bit, and talks about them (too much perhaps). A fair few of them make a lot of bad, sometimes even dangerous choices. Generally speaking the ones that are more off the rails have had past or present issues with poor parenting (sadly we live in an area where alcoholism isn't unusual and a few of her friends no longer live with their parents).

Boundaries are still important for teenagers, of course you don't want to be over controlling so that they rebel against you, but you also don't want to get into a position where you can't say no. Sometimes what teenagers want to do is a very bad idea.

Gods - I'm just not happy for it to be used as an example etc of what teen boys get up to

If you think this example of what teenage boys get up is noteworthy then I suspect you have lived a sheltered life; I suspect your DS is sheltering you and does not share much of his observations of teen life because he is trying to make sure he gets a little freedom.

Yikes - DOGS

I think people confuse the word boundaries for 'rules'. They are not the same.

Someone with boundaries would not have sent the text about losing a friend. Boundaries are about understanding where you end and other people begin. They are not rules.

Two different uses of the same word there really math. I was using it in the dictionary sense, a bound or limit, in a 'this far and no further' type way. You are talking about personal boundaries as in acceptable behaviour from one person to another. You could use rule as an almost synonym in both cases (perhaps more when talking about personal boundaries).

So sure you can suggest that the OP and her dh stepped over a good parenting boundary, however it's pretty clear to me that her son did too. Hopefully they have been able to sit down together and work it through so that in future situations like this are managed better (and no that doesn't mean that the ds always gets to do whatever he wants).

Dogs - I am sorry it ended up in the newspaper without your consent. This should not be allowed. To remain a place where we believe we can share your concerns there has to be some protection.

FWIW I would be funing just like you, and I think your son is totally out of order for not telling you where he is.

math what would a boundary be without a rule to enforce it rules help us know about boundaries and what happens when they are broken.

Some of your comments about the OP's son sound unkind. Did you mean them to?

I have 2 teens and experienced a lot of this type of behaviour. I think some people conflate knowing where their teen is with knowing their teen is safe and the two are not the same. Your teen telling you ," a few of us are having a sleepover at jony's on Saturday night is that OK" does not mean they will be at Jony's, not go to the shops/park/,MacDonalds/someone else's place etc. It maybe gives you a sense of security but unless they are in your actual presence, you really have no idea where they are or what they are getting up to. My son asked to be picked up from a sleepover once cos the friends were trying to find videos of beheadings on the internet - with the boy's parents in the next room. My friend's teen got brought home drunk by police at 2 in the afternoon when she was supposed to be at dance practice! All you can do (short of locking the in their room) is teach them well and hope for the best.

Some parents on this thread seem to think that they are world class experts on parenting. One day perhaps their children will tell them what they really got up to.

Actually mathanxiety I suspect the teenagers you know who get into serious trouble are the ones whose parents were equally convinced their parenting was perfect. One of the important lessons teenagers need to learn from parents is that no-one is perfect. Those pretending to be are hiding something.

Op I don't think you are wrong trying to be his friend as well as his parent. However if it was me, I would take one role, mother, not friend.

From previous experience I would say

Positive :- if you are in friend zone with them, they will likely tell you more stuff.
Negative:- Some of this stuff they tell you, will make you want to freak out. However you are their friend, so you cant. Friends do not freak out or give each other safety advise

"Some parents on this thread seem to think that they are world class experts on parenting. One day perhaps their children will tell them what they really got up to."

In a nutshell.

to the OP, hope everything has settled down now.

Nobody has said their parenting is perfect

He did use his phone to let you know how he was and what he was doing, he doesn't need to tell you where exactly he is and neither do you need to know who the person is or their parents... would you like to check his girls friends vagina just to make sure it's safe for him? Grow up and catch a grip he is 16 not 6!

If my husband was out and decided to stay overnight, I would want to know where he was. Why should a 16 year old son be any different?

When I am out and know that I am going to be later than I said I would, I always phone or text my DH to let him know so he doesn't think I've had an accident or something.

Why is this so unreasonable?

I truly hope that my son will show me some courtesy like this when he gets older.

Years ago I had a boyfriend whose mother was quite anxious and it drove him mad because he had to phone her eg to say he was safely back at uni. But I always thought if he'd treated her with a bit more courtesy and humoured her she'd have been a lot less anxious. I let my mum know I was safely back as a matter of course. Why wouldn't you?

If my husband was out and decided to crash at someone he wouldn't be asking my permission and I wouldn't be refusing it on the basis I'd never met whoever....

So the comparisons don't hold out.

However, I do agree an address should be provided. But also that you should have said yes in the first place, as long as the address was given, which it would have been.

All that happened was he stayed out anyway, you didn't know where he was, and you antagonised him so next time the same situation he's likely to lie to you rather than risk another confrontation.

Fine to ask for an address so you know where he is, but he's 16! Surely he can choose to stay at a friends?

Some of ou are controlling.. you would expect your husband to ask for permission to stay out and give you the address and want to meet the friend if you haven't would you not let him stay?

The husband/son comparison is bollocks. You are responsible for your son (and I doubt that feeling ever leaves you) you are not responsible for your husband.

salt..."My son asked to be picked up from a sleepover once cos the friends were trying to find videos of beheadings on the internet"

You must be very proud of your son for having the common sense to get out of that situation. Great lad. Hope my two have sense like that. Reminds me to remind them it is better to just get out and call me if not happy with what is going on (and to have that conversation before things happen).

I used to hang around with drug taking bikers at 16. I was with my friend, my parents knew her dad so had no idea what we were up to! Her dad was nice and respectable etc!!

Italian - thanks. Unfortunately my dd (16) is a whole different story and is turning my hair grey!!

In my experience good friends do give safety advice and freak out if you are planning to do something stupid. Why wouldn't you? Teenage friends may have different ideas as to what is safe and what is not but why wouldn't they care about their friend's safety? My kids care about their friends, and I really hope that's not unusual.

I'd also not just be telling my dh if I was thinking about unexpectedly staying the night somewhere. Not so much asking permission, but certainly having a bit of a discussion about the potential impact it might have on him, and whether that's OK. I expect him to do the same, and he does (not that this scenario has come up for many years as we are fairly middle aged and boring nowadays). The names and addresses of who he was with not so much, but that's because I don't really worry about nor am I responsible for his safety.

This scenario was about a just turned 16 year old, not an adult, and sure you let go, but carefully and with at least some degree of trepidation.

Lua

Dogs - I am sorry it ended up in the newspaper without your consent. This should not be allowed. To remain a place where we believe we can share your concerns there has to be some protection.

What?? 16 Year Old Boy Stays at Friend's House actually made the papers? Link pls!