Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

[Sarah0574]

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

If it's a nice thing for your child, then it cannot also be a pisstake, surely?

"YANBU. If they accept your invitation, then they should reciprocate at some point."

If I do the asking, then I really don't understand why I would expect reciprocation for the reasons I have stated. If somebody asked me if I could have their child then I might make a mental note that that is someone I could ask if I ever needed a hand. But even then, it's up to me whether I say yes or no.

I've just thought of another reason it's tricky for me to host play dates. My dc's have played out or in neighbours houses for some time now. If they had school friends over I'd either have to keep my dc's in (that would go down like a tonne of bricks) or allow the play date friend to head out somewhere they're not familiar with.

YABU. Just because you give something (your time) doesn't automatically mean that the recipient has to give you the same thing back in return. If you think it should be like that, sign a contract before you accept a play date!

Remember too that people may have their own reasons for not offering a play date. Not just that they are too busy, maybe they have a dog that doesn't like strangers, maybe they don't feel confident in having multiple children over, maybe their child told them how good their visit to you was and they feel they can't compete.

Just wondering, for those who think there should be a score card and your dc can only go to their house if you agree to invite their dc back.......

Do any of you send your dc along to sports coaching / dance groups / Rainbows, Brownies, Guides, Beavers, Cubs, Scouts, BB, GB, etc. ? Because, using your logic, then shouldn't you have the Leaders' dc round to your every week to make it 'even', the amount of time they have 'given up' for your dc ?

"Because, using your logic, then shouldn't you have the Leaders' dc round to your every week to make it 'even', the amount of time they have 'given up' for your dc ?"

"Don't accept if you never ever plan on taking your turn"

So are you thinking of it primarily as child care? Is that why it's such an issue for you?

Incidentally, I don't think the football coach/scout leader analogy is so very bizarre. My dp, for example, "provides child care" aka is a football coach for 20 children for 1 hour every Tuesday night and 3 hours every Saturday morning. Where's the reciprocation there?

I have also been in the awkward position where DD2 had been to play at a classmates house but a few weeks later they were no longer BFFs. DD was adamant she didn't want to invite her over to play and only wanted friend. So do I reciprocate a previous invitation to keep the mum happy and have a clean scoresheet or invite someone that my DD actually wants to play with.

Younger girls friendships can be pretty fickle

*wanted a different friend

Exactly Betrand.
If I am hosting 20 Beaver Scouts for an hour and a quarter each week, and my dh is looking after 18 Scouts for an hour and a half every week (let's ignore the planning, the training, the meetings connected with it for now), then that's a considerable amount of time that we aren't available each week to host an individual child, but it does mean that 38 dc get to have a lot of fun every week, without any of the parents reciprocating. Isn't that what some posters are talking about - that they think you shouldn't ever receive anything from anyone unless you are offering the same back ?

I do think it's unreasonable to invite a child with an expectation that it will be returned. Of course we all know it's polite to reciprocate, but it's the kids that drive the play dates. One boy in my sons class is never invited because he's spoiled and a bit of a bully. So the boys don't want to have him over. But two of them will go to he when invited. My son does because he says no one else will and he feels bad. He plans to invite him one day but that day never seems to come.

Then many parents find it very challenging for whatever reason. You can't pass judgement without being in their shoes. For me, having kids over makes it nicer for my children and easier for me.

I'm with you OP. Actually, I'm so sick of the one-sided (it's normally dinner, a trip to the park or swimming or something and the tine to play) I've told my girls no more invites home. It's a shame for them all as that's how the kids learn to have a special friend, particularly if they don't have lots of family around. I get that some mums don't think they can fit it in (my kids actually play far better with a mate and stop bickering with each other) but if that's the case, don't accept and say why! 'Sorry, that's really kind but we don't seem to get time for much evenings/weekends/half terms/endless summer holidays, thanks for the invite tho' how do these busy people manage to find time for the children to GO on the play date yet hosting back is a step too far? People will quite happily pay for clubs for children to socialise but heaven forbid another child comes over! My girls call round for friends but neighbour children don't always attend the same school.

Hi. OP here! In response to someone's question I have two boys 2 and 9. So it's not like I want to offload my 9 year old to have a break and put my feet up! I still have to look after my youngest. My son loves play dates, he is v sociable but if he's at home he just wants to go on his iPad all the time so I need to arrange play dates. He has no cousins and there is a big age gap between him and his brother. I don't mind a slight imbalance and won't always wait for the other mum to reciprocate before I invite their son over again. But often they never invite him back at all and I'm sorry but I still think it's just not polite. My son is not boisterous or problematic so there's no excuse really.

YABU

"So, as long as the Dc have a nice time that's all that matters? Righto. I must try to stop selfish arses wind me up grin"

Well, actually, I think that's right. I genuinely don't understand why you mind so much.

Or why you don't think the scout leader/sports coach thing is analogous.

" My son is not boisterous or problematic so there's no excuse really."

Apart from what you've read on the rest of the thread?

It sounds like you prefer to have a fair number of friends over as that suits your family well, covering the age gap and the iPad problem - great! For another parent (not just mum, please), that simply might not be the case, no matter how nice your son.

And this:

"My son loves play dates, he is v sociable"

Well, my DC is happy to go on play dates but equally happy to stay home and play with a sibling.

Again, it's great play dates suit you and is probably why you do so many. As my DC play with many friends at after school club, they aren't so fussed.

Kids having friends over is not child care. I suppose it can be, but that's your choice. For me having a child over reduces my child care effort because my kids play happily and don't get bored if they have a friend.

Not letting your child go over to another's house because you can't reciprocate seems unkind to your child. A lot of us know people can't always manage to reciprocate and personally I would never expect it.

My first child went to a playdate with a girl from her class who lived very near. The mom had planned activities and crafts to do with them and when I collected her she recited the list of things they did and what my daughter ate, etc. when her child came over I did none of that. When she asked how it went I said they just played but had fun. She was unimpressed. Only one more invite came after that. But another girl just popped round whenever her mom felt like it and if it was fine left her daughter for a while. For whatever reason the girls liked our house better. No problem.

YANBU it is rude, if you've hosted, fed and looked after someone's child the opportunity should be offered back as children like going to each other's house. Once had this happen, had the friend round, saw the mum another time, she informed me her son had lots of children lined up to invite round, my son never got invited over. The invitation was never made again. I can understand if people work full time it's more difficult, but you can arrange something one weekend even if you have to explain you're sorry you can't offer invitations as often due to working full time, that is called manners. It is to both the children's benefit. I'm afraid some people are selfish and lazy, I feel sorry for their children.

Bertrand makes an excellent point. Just explain if it's hard to reciprocate bring some snacks a cake. Thoughtful and shows appreciation. I like having my children's friends round and I don't keep a tally. If I offer a bit more who cares as long as it happens reciprocally sometimes. As long as my children are happy that's all that matters. My work is part time and I'm lucky.

I mean I realise I'm lucky as not everyone can.

I haven't read the full thread. I know, I know. I wanted to mention that, sometimes, people don't reciprocate because their homes aren't great places to invite people back to. I've just moved from an overcrowded, damp, mouldy flat where we'd lived for such a long time that it's become normal for me not to reciprocate, nor to ever invite anyone over for any reason. It was embarrassing, and shaming, and I'm sure most parents wouldn't want their children to be exposed to such a health hazard.

I am still not best placed to reciprocate, as we have no carpets, and won't have for some time, but I do now have the prospect of actually being able to invite people in to a home I'm not ashamed of.

I've not read the entire thread.

I rarely reciprocate, when I do, it's for a family that knows us well.

My eldest is autistic. He reacts really badly to other children (or people who aren't family at all really) in the house.

Should I refuse to allow my daughter play dates because I can't return them? Would people really expect to just exclude her because of her brothers disability?

:(