Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

[Sarah0574]

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

My son loves play dates, he is v sociable but if he's at home he just wants to go on his iPad all the time so I need to arrange play dates. He has no cousins and there is a big age gap between him and his brother.

This is why you arrange playdates - because it benefits your son. It keeps him off the iPad and gives him company near his own age.

Other people don't necessarily get these benefits from playdates. Their children may be able to occupy themselves without an iPad or playdate. Their children may have siblings closer in age. So for them there is less benefit in having a playdate, and still the same amount of work (or more work, if they have other commitments or difficulties hosting which you don't have).

Would you prefer the other parents to say no to your invitation, if they do not intend to reciprocate?

Yes I would prefer parents to say no to an invite if they have no plans ever to host.
it's not about occupying the child but learning skills required to be a host. Important in life really!

Did I read that right miserable dos, you have ten kids?

Not surprised you work full time

"Really? Its funny because I've read many a thread where volunteers whinge about that very thing, that the same parents offer to help time and time again while others cba. You carry on arguing black is white though grin"

Oh, they certainly notice, believe me. What I mean is that they don't prevent children from taking part because of their parent's behaviour. Which you seem to think is a good idea when it comes to "play dates"

And it's interesting that volunteers are "whinging" about people not helping, whereas you seem to think that you are righteously indignant about non reciprocated play dates!

Oops I think I am this person! I work full time (my parents look after my kids after school). My dd gets invited to playdates by people who know me, know I work full time but are very much enthusiastic about having her over to play. Some even invite her if, say, their child is on their own for the weekend because the other is away at brownie camp etc. I think the idea is that it benefits everyone eg. Broadens their friendships etc. I do what I can in the school holidays but I still have to work then. I can't just take a few hours off my working week for a playdate. Paid employment rarely works that way.

It's a mystery to me how people don't know it is a reciprocal thing.
If you don't want to reciprocate then when someone offers, just say I'm very sorry I can't reciprocate, then it's up to them if they choose to still have your dc.

You let your child go, but not once will you reciprocate, because your weekend is family time? I've heard it all now!!

"but hosting in my home involves too much hassle and logistics."

"The big divide here is whether you think of your child having a friend to play as something nice for your child to do and something you enjoy or as childcare. "

Bertrand, not childcare. But I do go to an effort for a child coming round. Cook dinner etc. I do it because ds's like it, and it benefits the friendship to spend time together.

But ds's find it exciting to go to another persons house. And if someone doesn't reciprocate, after 3 or so, I don't invite again.

Ds2 now has 3 friends who come regularly and he goes to them regularly.
This is the way it should be.

"But ds's find it exciting to go to another persons house. And if someone doesn't reciprocate, after 3 or so, I don't invite again"
2 questions. What if you child wants to invite one of the children whose parents haven't reciprocated? And do you ever consider why there hasn't been an invitation back?

Yes, I consider it extensively

Is it because:
Mummy is a crap host?
mummy can't cook sausages and mash?
Not enough pudding choices offered?

mother's child is is a pain in the derriere ?
said child hates my child now?
mum is too busy/ mum is busy working /mum this /mum that ?

why did mum except in the first place?

Is just the first that have sprung to mind?

I went through a period of no one reciprocating.

What's wrong with me, I thought.
What's wrong with ds?

Now he has 3 close friends and the reciprocating is often.

Which has softened my paranoia!

And yes I did invite child to ds's birthday party (3 friends round). I put aside my views, because it was what he wanted.

Another mum of this country/culture admitted to me that they only socialise within the group, so no non of this culture child ever gets invited to child's party. It finally made sense.

I think I just have a much less complicated view of life than some of you?
Child "Can Johnny come to tea?"
Me (if I want to) "Of course" (if I don't want to) "Sorry, not today. Ask again next week"

That's it. Nothing more complicated than that.

This thread makes me dread the day my child starts school. Never seen or heard anything like it.

See I'm really precious about this sort of thing. My DD's best friend, I'll have her here lots but I won't allow her to go to her best friends house.

I don't trust her mother.

They are 3yo btw.

Easier said than done. I wasn't overly precise, dubwitz syndrome with autism. She herself also has the syndrome, but to a lesser severity and is able to socialise. The middle child who was not mentioned here is 'normal' and I carefully enrolled him in things like local youth clubs and carers clubs (where other children are that will relate to his life situation)

I attempted a play date at home for my daughter recently actually. The child refused to leave the eldest alone and I pretty much just had to put myself between them as I could see her tipping him over the edge, he would have physically hurt her had I 'just let them play'

My mother lives 2 hours away. I guess I could drive 4 hours and then invite someone... then drive a further 4 hours to collect him after. (Not) add in stops etc, you're talking NINE hours of driving to enable reciprocating?

His school is an hour away even, as he is unable to attend main stream. (Taken by county transport) so again, no nearby friends of HIS that have understanding parents that HE can go to (I am setting up a teenage SN club group for him, which will help)

My point was not to have to explain the finer details of my particular situation but to say sometimes, there is more to not reciprocating than people might initially expect.

That was a reply to Plumbuddle btw

YANBU. Here, I get that some mums awork etc so it's more difficult... but the ones who don't, I think it's particularly rude of them not to offer a play date in return.