Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

[Sarah0574]

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

Argh it's my worst nightmare, my house is small and the dog is crazy, it stresses me out too much. I'd much rather meet somewhere for the kids to play, or take them out somewhere

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado
Sorry, I said childminder but she is a nanny and employed by me! I used the childminder word as many people I know think I mean their grandmother when I say nanny!!

I agree BackforGood.

Oh, that makes more sense!

I feel bad about this, I'm the parent who can rarely reciprocate. My dd gets invited by one particular friend a lot, but I can very rarely reciprocate. Her friend is an only child, with two, healthy parents. I'm a single parent with the childish and disabilities so I just can't cope with an extra child, especially as both her and my dd are pretty high maintenance.

Thankfully, my youngest isn't at this point yet and the middle one never gets invited anywhere.

Yes Bertrand my dd1 and her BFF both missed out. Except dd1 wasn't missing out because I wasn't shipping her off every other weekend to get a break from her.

Both myself and BFF mum work full time so excuse me if I don't give a shiny fuck for your try-hard guilt inducing answer for wanting to spend time with my dd on the weekend.

Hope that clears it up for you.

"Both myself and BFF mum work full time so excuse me if I don't give a shiny fuck for your try-hard guilt inducing answer for wanting to spend time with my dd on the weekend"

Blimey. Not sure how you got to that. But hey ho. Up to you.

Why don't you try reading your reply to my first comment.

'So your dd1 and her BFF missed out'

Aeroflotgirl

There are days when one DC hasn't got an activity but the other does - that's just how things fall right now. So it's still difficult as it's not much fun to spend a play date ferrying your friends sibling around.

My DCs do have sleepovers and friends to play, it's just that this might not be possible as regularly as some seem to expect.

When I said "'So your dd1 and her BFF missed out'" what I meant was it seems a real shame that both your dd and her best friend should miss out because of this obsession with reciprococity when the best friend's mother has made it clear that she understands that you can't reciprocate and is happy with that.

Had a few play dates in the summer holidays. Other mum's said they would have Dd to play but never invited her. After about 4 kids coming here she got fed up of having to always share her stuff and didn't want her last friend to come. Not doing it again. She has a friend we meet in the school holidays. Wouldn't bother in term time.

OK, this is how I see it. And have seen it since my first child started wanting friends round to play about 18 years ago.

I have plenty of inside and outside room. My work is very flexible. I have only 2 children with a biggish age gap. We have always had friendly animals. I love having a houseful- lots of kids round and a bit of extra cooking are things that make me happy not anxious. We're not rich, but I don't have to worry about the cost of a couple of extra meals. Nobody in the family has any disabilities or health issues that make things difficult. I don't have elderly relations to look after. I'm not houseproud and I don't mind mess. I have no problem at all in telling off other people's children if necessary, or saying "no" to anything which is going to be inconvenient to me. And crucially, my children love having their friends round.

Lots of other people have very different circumstances. So I honestly see no reason at all why I shouldn't do most of the hosting. And if sometimes I''m free child care, so what? Why shouldn't I help out another woman whose life is more complicated than mine? Particularly when I can do it with no inconvenience to me at all? And I would be very sad indeed if a child missed out on anything because their mother was fretting about reciprocation. If you can't reciprocate, explain, send a cake or some chocolate or something. But don't turn down invitations.

BFF mum said she didn't mind me being unable to reciprocate but she actually did. Hence her comments when I could have BFF how lovely it was to be child free as she was running off down the road

It wasn't a play date it was free childcare and with a newborn and small house it was not something I was willing to do over and over again.

They also spent every day together at school and went to the same CM 5 days a week. There was no need for weekend catch up's too.

Because of the constant bloody play date texts from BFF mum that took ages for her to finally accept it wasn't going to be a way of life every weekend I avoid inviting anyone over now. When dd1 asks herself if so and so can come over I will think about it again but probably decline too

I think I broadly agree with Bert but still feel it's worth scrapping some Improving Activities if they dominate your kids' lives.

I should probably add that I WFH and therefore having kids round was a win-win for me. I got on with my work, emerged at teatime to give them pasta with tomato sauce, told them firmly No That Is Your Tea Darling and sent them home as and when their parents arrived.

Thanks, Bertrand

(Oh and before anyone jumps on me I did actually check with their parents about the pasta with tomato sauce, and made minor accommodations if warned off in advance.)

You're being ridiculous stop inviting them round if it's bothering you that much. I work weekends, not everyone is free just because you are.

OP you sound very judgemental......everyone has different circumstances. I have 3 children, the eldest has extreme learning disabilities and would absolutely not cope with other kids in the house for even a couple of hours so if you don't mind I won't be reciprocating any play dates.

"I didnt really cut people off who didn't get their fingers out, but If dc said can I have a pal over to play or sleep out of x, y and z I'd always suggest the ones who parents could be arsed to bother themselves with it all."

Really? I'd suggest the ones my dc like best.

YANBU. If they accept your invitation, then they should reciprocate at some point.

Some excellent posts by Bertrand on this thread. particularly at 09:11, but also at 12.04.
If a child can't invite their friend round - because, for whatever reason they can't invite back and you are the sort of parent who keeps score - then really there's not a lot of point in inviting dc round at all. It's supposed to be a nice thing for your child.

I'm perfectly calm thanks.
Italics just put the intonation your voice would add if you were having a debate face to face.