Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

[Sarah0574]

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

"What, you'd expect the others to host again but you wouldn't offer yourself? Even if it was convenient for you actually?"

You may not have noticed, but I am the "host" concerned. I thought that was quite clear, but I can see why your incredulity might have coloured your understanding.

Oh jesus, don't start me on fecking playdates! I hate them. My kids act like bold twits when a friend is here and the friend is a fussy eater nine times out of ten. Cant be arsed with it. I just did one this week, first this year.
I felt like i had to, but i really don't wanna bother for a long time again.

hey dont shoot the messenger! only suggesting she reciprocate which is Very. Important.

blimey cant win! can maybe see why some playdates arent reciprocated

Thanks, Walking. She''s not keen on after school activities. She can start fairly enthusiastically but it all wanes after a few weeks. The only thing she's stuck with are Rainbows and a once a month Sunday school run by old ladies but not many children attend. She has one "close" friend at school whom she claims is mean to her every day so I'm trying to make her realise she can have lots of friends and not be reliant on one person.

My parents discouraged us from having friends around and I can still be rather nervous in company (especially as a host). Maybe I'm just projecting that on to her but I would like her to be happier than I was and more confident.

Different people run their lives differently, why is that so hard to understand? Personally, I like to socialise, so does DS, so our weekends often involve seeing people. For other people weekends are quiet family time. Either is a perfectly good approach to life. The trick is to find a group of people who do things a similar way to you. I have a group of parents who have become friends, whose DC go to school with my DS. In my case, playdates have evolved to be reciprocal with these people. But I wouldn't expect playdates to be a strictly reciprocal arrangement, that's not how any part of life works, nor would I expect to get on with every single parent of one of DS's friends (I feel lucky that there are so many I do get on with - as I remember all too sadly from my "babygroup" days, it doesn't always work out that way, it's luck of the draw.)

(NB, playdates are simply "playing round your mate's house" now society has changed since the 1970s when we just used to wander round to our mates' houses under our own steam - they just involve a bit more parental input because we now keep a closer eye on our children, for a mixture of good and bad reasons).

Sorry Bertrand, thought you were the one being invited . I just think expecting the same person to host all the time is way out of order, but fair enough if you're chilled out about it.

Good manners and etiquette are not a bizarre transaction

on the whole yes, obviously, butin this context, sniffy snidey comments about not reciprocating while simultaneously saying "its all for the kids" whilt not even being able to consider, even just for a small moment, that tge other persons situation may inhibit stuff like this is very narrow minded and transactional by definition.

on the outside my life is fine, doing ok, i have my shit in one sack. on the inside? i have depression, my dp is on just the right side of twattiness, i have health issues and we have financial problems. luckily irl no one i know would not invite ds back because i cant reciprocate. we all seem to silently understand all our situations are different but its a bit upsetting to think somd k7ds in less than perfeft families may miss out on playdates because their parents cant return the offer.

of course there are some who could, im j6st asking to considef that somr can5

So should you say "no" if invited for a playdate? I hate having people here, for bo other reason that I find playdates very hard work and just need to leave sometimes. But you can't tell people to leave when you've had enough. Apparently.

"Then Faraway they don't have time to go to friends houses for play dates then!"

As I mentioned upthread, if a DC is invited on a play date after school, it's in lieu of them going to after school club, which I pay for as I need the hours to cover work.

It's great if they are asked, but a play date can't be hosted by me in a similar slot as I'm not home!

BuggerLumps

I think saying yes to the first and so.ething like "we'd love to but I know we owe you one and just don't have the room to host, are you still ok to have DC?" could be a way to manage it. Or suggest a meet up in a cafe or park so.you can leave when you like?

We have to do these things for our children as they can't go knocking on friends' doors anymore like we did in the old days.

Bugger! My kids and their friends must have missed that memo.

but you cant know they, cba, unless they say of course!

and lovely show of empathy at the start of your post! kind of inadvertantly proving my point.

YABU and I wouldn't consider a play date to be free childcare, after school club is paid for regardless of whether or not DS attends so I'm not saving anything.

btw its mine, hope youre ok now, even though i rather strongly disagree with you and will never change my mind but lets carry on pointlessly argueing

Ignore the phrase "play date". You do your bit that works for you and others should do what works for them but helping each other out is the key. Doesn't have to be a prescriptive "play date".

I would say IME the vast majority of playdates get reciprocated somewhat, maybe not exactly 1 for 1. If you invite "Janey" to your house and she and your dd have a lovely time then you might want to invite her again in a few weeks whether your dd has been invited to Janey's or not. After that you might hope for a return invitation, or might decide to invite other children over or Janey's parents might realise it would be nice to have your angelic dd over .

If your child is never receiving invites back then sorry to say it, but your kid is probably a PITA . We have had several of these and they never get invited back, but then again I make excuses for my dc's not going to theirs too.

DD has a friend who I don't invite back as she thinks it's funny to be horrible to our dog. I think I will try again soon as dd says she is more mature and sensible now... DD has been to hers several times since then as the mum has been so keen to have dd back. (and no I haven't had the spine to tell her that her dd was not nice to our dog)

its

Do you cut them off after a certain number of unreturned dates? What works for you?

true dat. anyway its this or have a bloody playdate round

best wishes

YANBU
In one of my kid's class, I've hosted a ton of playdates which haven't been reciprocated. I don't expect one-for-one but the odd return makes my child feel wanted.

I work so sometimes outsource the playdate to the childminder. They love coming and parents seem grateful, but I wonder if they think they don't need to reciprocate as it isn't me doing the inviting.

"I work so sometimes outsource the playdate to the childminder."

Surprised ofsted are ok with this!

MN is the only place I know where people think there has to be a direct "swap".
Where I live you do what you can, when you can. That means there are times in your life when you "give" and there may be times in your life when you accept help - or in this case offers to have you dc to play - when you just aren't able to reciprocate.
As I said upthread my dd went round to a particular friends many a time when we weren't able to ask her back, but then I've had a dc round here weekly for 2 years when his folks weren't able to ask my ds back.
We all have different cicumstances going on which other parents at school wouldn't necessarily know about.
It does not mean people are lifelong 'takers' just because they don't invite your child round immediately you've had their's to play.