Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

[Sarah0574]

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

Maybe the other families are just happy to get a few hours peace

Luckily at the moment there haven't been any after school play dates as we would really struggle to reciprocate those. Mostly play dates are organised in the holidays, when the mums and children all get together.

Like many of the pp's, we struggle during term time to have people over I have one day off in the week, and then a Sunday which is our only day together as a family so we wouldn't really want play dates on that day.

It would be really mean of me to say to my daughter you can't go to play with your friend because mummy will struggle to have your friend here as often.

Apologies for not reading the entire thread, but I wanted to offer a different perspective...

We live in a building site at the moment which is just about OK for DD and I but I'd hate to invite anyone else around. I work FT so after-school is rarely an option. Add to that a very ill DF who monopolises a lot of weekend time, and there's not a lot left.

I do what I can, and try to invite other children out somewhere at weekends when I can, but at the moment I can't host a playdate at all. Add to that the fact that half of DDs friends have lots of extra-curricular activities at weekends and it gets extremely difficult. (DD has none, many of her friends have most of Saturday and Sunday booked out)

I felt very, very guilty when picking DD up from a friend's house (huge and immaculate, lovely garden and ample space to play) and bringing DD home to a wreck - I'm sure it seems very one-sided but I hope I will be able to reciprocate one day without having to give a safety briefing first! "Mind the big hole in the floor, and take a jug of water with you when you go to the loo..."

My eldest frequently has friends over for tea after school or over the weekend. I only work part-time at the moment so it's possible to do it.
Mostly it's actually easier to have a friend over than not as they have a brilliant time playing and I get to play with the little one (sometimes they let him join in and then I can actually get on with something) My partner works away a lot and so I'm usually alone with them so it's nice if someone reciprocates but I don't expect it. In the summer I often invite the parent to and we can crack open a bottle, sorry, I mean have a nice cup of tea while the kids destroy the garden. Could you do that?

Seriously? What world are you living in ? I hate playdates but they happen and if I actually want my kids to have friends it's up to me to help facilitate that even if I'm not a big fan. So if I invite people in my spare time I think it's quite reasonable that I should expect my kids to be asked back at some stage. My house is not a drop in centre for my kids friends to enjoy and their parents to get a break and for me nog to.hope for the same a few weeks later. Honestly get real !

Sarah, YANBU. I've read a few pages but not the whole thread and have not yet found a post dealing with the impact on children of seeing their carers not reciprocate hospitality.
Mine are older now but when they were little it was not a nice feeling for them not to be to invited to tea after school and parties. I did a lot of inviting I and husband could work around it at some time if not directly after school some days and we had a lot of invites back. But I did notice if parents did not invite back and it would unsurprisingly turn out to be be in relation to parents who were not particularly polite or thoughtful people. Not generally reciprocating (I'm not saying keep a tally, but talking about kids whom I invited 5 or 6 times before noticing that it wasn't working out) sends out a message that the other child does not like your child or that the parent cannot be bothered to let their child socialise with yours outside school. I get that it can be embarrassing not sending them over on invites if they are invited right in front of you, but if I had not been able to ever reciprocate hospitality I would not have accepted it on behalf of my children in the first place unless it was a relative or friend -- or I would have found a workaround instead of going on about "me time" for the family as some of these posters are. If a family whom I don't know personally invites my child round, of course there should be a reciprocal feel. And if a parent felt they could not reciprocate because of a particular reason (eg illness or whatever) then if that is explained, it is at least comprehensible instead of leaving people effectively unthanked.

One of my sons always invited an old primary school friend to all his birthday parties regularly never got an invite back for whatever reason. On the last occasion, at 13, this boy left his anorak in the restaurant and we took it home. The parents got a friend of theirs to ring us so the friend could pick it up. Didn't even bother to ring us personally. Unbelievable. My other son regularly invites a couple of twins whose family we know well, to all his birthday parties. But when the twins have their parties, they never invite him the mother, who is a mate of mine, tells me that she values her sons choosing whom they will invite. That's fine -- but what about teaching her sons some basic courtesy? She has never bothered and it's no accident that her sons are a couple of rude, selfish brats by now.
Like it or not, adult hospitality follows a code of conduct in every culture and kids will learn from what their parents do even if it's in relation to a "mere" playdate. Freeloading is never attractive.
I stress, this is not to do with keeping a tally. It's when there are repeated visits and no visit back that a smaller child can get their feelings really hurt. I was particularly saddened by the poster who said that an unpopular child frequently invited theirs and others, and thus their child went out of guilt and did intend to invite back but somehow never got around to it. How can that parent sit by and let her son behave like this? He should be told that far from doing this child a favour, he is using him to make himself feel good.

Oh and the autistic child. My elder son is autistic so I get where the poster is coming from. But. If your younger child can't have guests because of your elder's disability, and you keep not having guests throughout the younger one's childhood, where does that leave your younger one? In due course, and inevitably, highly resentful of the older sib. With an autistic sib, one has to be especially careful to let the other child(ren) have proper social time at home. If that means someone takes the autistic sib out of the environment, so be it.

Yabu.

If a parent decides to invite my child over after school or for a playdate (hate that expression!) then that is their choice. They are usually sahm who have the time.

I, on the otherhand, work full time as a social worker, rarely finish on time. Have 10 kids of my own and don't wish to spend my weekends entertaining or looking after other kids tbh when i have a million other things to do and my own kids to spend time with.

YANBU. Invitations should be reciprocated.
The people who say they simply don't have time should perhaps consider how their kids feel about not being able to invite their friends over. And they are perfectly happy to accept the free time that someone else hosting a play date gives them. They are the ones BU.

The big divide here is whether you think of your child having a friend to play as something nice for your child to do and something you enjoy or as childcare.

I would still be interested in how the reciprocation group reciprocate with Brown Owls and football coaches.......

I'm becoming increasing bemused by assumption that a play date gives free time to the parent of the visiting child. I have two children, so a play date for one just means that I have to take both children on the walk/bus journey to drop off the invited child, take the other one home, entertain the remaining child who is now without a playmate, take that child to collect their sibling, and take both children home. It's a nice experience for the children involved, but generally inconvenient for me either way.

I have not RTFT so apologies if someone else has made this point but I have seen the opposite - where people won't let their kids go to other peoples' houses because they don't want to reciprocate.

I had a friend who never accepted a drink if she came to my house because her parents didn't want to have to offer me one (they were much better off then we were as well).

Some nasty posts on here as usual about SAHMs and how non-hosters are such busy and therefore important people. No, just rude.

I was just reading Laura Ingalls Wilder's recently-published diaries/letters and at one point whilst travelling in their wagon they are invited to dinner with some people. They decline as she says they can't reciprocate and to accept hospitality with no intention to ask back is ill mannered.

I don't think you have to reciprocate exactly, but it would be fair to say to an inviting parent, "Sorry, I work full time/own a pit bull and find having children to tea difficult."

Also I notice on here people trumpeting about their own dcs playing together and not wanting an "interloper". This insular attitude is not very kind - not least to own dcs who learn that outsiders = wrong. Seen this in my own family to the max.

You must have missed the equally unpleasant posts from others about how working mothers use SAHMs as free childcare, and how they are putting their own interests above those of their child Rhoda.

oh what a load of bollocks. I find the people who cba to ask dcs friends over always trot out stuff like this

Bollocks to you to. Im not "trotting" anything out - I dont need to ask my kids friends over because Im not organising "play dates" for them - they play with their friends when friends come over, if they want one to stay for dinner there is always enough food, there's various kids in my house regularly at weekends. As I said too much micromanaging these days.

You kind of have to "micro manage" the under 8s though don't you?! How else do they have pals to play on dark winter nights?

Personally would feel it's abit of a shame for a child never to have anyone over to tea. I have very vivid memories of experiencing other people's houses when I was a child. Made me realise how tiny our portions were -we used to have a pizza between 5 my friends family had one each!

I think it's important, learning to host for social development.
I do think there are social conventions, that lots of us adhere to such as buying coffees for each other, not just one person buying, give and take in conversational skills etc. Good manners are about give and take.

I certainly look towards inviting friends back, if they have had mine. I don't expect, but rather hope others feel the same.

I am a single parent who works FT and I was very frequently the person who hosted most of the play dates.

Why? Because I like to have fun with mine and other peoples DC and I am not at all houseproud so i dont care about the mess they make. And its not really much work to sling a pizza in the oven and let them eat it in the living room is it? My Dc got invites, but not nearly as many as we hosted.

Watch out though all those sociable mums of young DC - I am now the mum who gets to host most of the teen parties - All the parents think I am wonderful, but they dont seem rushing to offer to host themselves. So be careful what you wish for

Well, presumably the non reciprocating play date parents say "thank you" too!

If you are a tally chart person, my dp offers 20 sets of parents 4 hours of childcare a week during the school term. And has done for the past 5 years. That works out at about a year's worth of reciprocation he's owed..
So if each set of parents take ds for 18 days, I won't have to see him again til this time next year.....

So, a "bit of tidying up" reciprocates for 4 hours of child care a week for 5 years. Blimey.

You don't need to do much to reciprocate for a couple of hours playing in the garden and a handful of pasta, do you!

Ha yes itsamine. They will no doubt being the ones giving other peoples teenagers lifts too when that next stage comes..

Abit harsh to describe people as "tally chart" types. Just if you have had a child 5 or 6 times and yours has never been invited back its not unreasonable to start to wonder why. That said this has never happened to me re play dates but has with adults socially. After 3 invites and no reciprocation I get the message

Well, all I can say that it's a good thing that the people who organize children's activities don't keep a ...sorry, you don't like "tally" ..an eye on who lends a hand. Fortunately, they are mostly more concerned with the kids having a good time, not the behaviour of their parents.