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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

271 replies

Sarah0574 · 26/11/2016 08:09

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

OP posts:
WhisperingLoudly · 26/11/2016 09:07

I had no idea reciprocation was expected as a rule Confused

I do try to return invites but with three DC at two schools any myriad ECAs trying to fit it all in is near impossible.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/11/2016 09:07

As a teacher l was finished relatively early in the afternoon so was in a position sometimes for my dc to have friends over. The friends parents often worked later so went in a position to do it. Same over the holidays. I did what suited me and my dc. We also had space for the children to play outside while some friends didn't so they would end up here playing football. As long as l only did what l felt l could manage l didn't care.
Also my dd had one friend who came here regularly. Her dm was lovely, very friendly but she was never invited over which was fine. Then a few years later her dm said we have had a bit job done on our house so able to have friends over now. So sometimes people aren't comfortable for various reasons so as long as not taking advantage l would go with what suited me and my kids.
As l would rather mind twenty kids than host a fancy dinner party l presume my friends who invite me to dinner do so for my company than for their quite infrequent invites back. We do as a couple treat them to dinner out a very odd time.

swoonmacaroon · 26/11/2016 09:07

YABU some people do not have the capacity to reciprocrate, they are either working, have family issues, are too knackered, hate play dates etc etc. I always reciprocate the following week and I hate playdates!

whathaveiforgottentoday · 26/11/2016 09:10

I work full time so struggle to reciprocate but I do try when I get the chance particularly during the school holidays as have more time. I probably don't repay all the playdates evenly but its not like that in life. I quite like having kids over now they are a bit older as they tend to play nicely and gives me time to get on with things.
So I do agree with you OP that its a bit unfair if they never reciprocate unless there is a good reason.

PrincessHairyMclary · 26/11/2016 09:10

I can't host during the week or weekend due to work and other commitments but I try and host one during the holidays and often people are away so it's difficult.

KERALA1 · 26/11/2016 09:11

If I knew I could never reciprocate I would feel guilty if another family consistently hosted my child and gave them a nice time. Would feel uncomfortable and takey.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 26/11/2016 09:11

YABU
I am always the host, we've always got other people's children in our house and that's the way I like it. Some people get genuinely stressed by extra children making mess and noise in their house. Some people aren't comfortable with the extra responsibility of caring for someone else's child.
I'm always pleased that my home is welcoming and relaxed enough for people to be happy to visit us.

GahBuggerit · 26/11/2016 09:17

yabu in the same vein as you should never give to receive

i always make it clear that i work ft, dont get home until 6.30pm and weekends are for housework that i cant do in the week and shopping, sorting uniforms out etc and generally relaxing and spending time with my own children as i dont see much of them in the week. if people wont offer playdates because they still feel i should offer back every time then i couldnt give a crap, shame that they cant have a bit of empathy but some folk are like that, give to receive.....

LaContessaDiPlump · 26/11/2016 09:17

We have a bit of this.

There's one kid at school who DS gets on with, and whose mum I get on with; we do the reciprocal playdate thing.

There are also a couple of other kids DS has made friends with, and who I've invited over at least 3-4 times each so far this term. No signs of reciprocity, and I don't expect there will be now.

The only reason I asked them over is because I want DS to make friends in his school, and from that POV any playdate (reciprocated or not) suits us all fine. I am slightly nervous about the day that DS asks why X and Y have never asked him back, but that's not happened yet thankfully. I suppose he can always ask to go to their houses himself and see what happens Grin

user1477282676 · 26/11/2016 09:24

When my DC were a bit smaller and they'd get invited for playdates, I always asked all the children back...then stopped with some of them as they were so badly behaved.

I just didn't want to deal with DC who weren't my own who drew on bedcovers and walls, threw food, asked for junk food constantly and who were rude.

So I stopped reciprocating with those kids.

diddl · 26/11/2016 09:25

If the other parents can't or won't reciprocate that's not the kid's fault & it's a shame for them to miss out.

"Playdates" are usually no trouble to do & it probably doesn't make a lot of difference whose house it's at.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/11/2016 09:27

TBf YANBU at all, especially when your child wonders why they are never invited back. I think it should be reciprocated sometimes.

Pseudonym99 · 26/11/2016 09:29

Folks who work really haven't got the time to sit there waiting for these things to occur to them.

Clueless131417 · 26/11/2016 09:35

Yabu. I do host play dates and prefer them at my house as i am pg and dcs aged 2 and 3. I like them to have their friends round and have no need for them to be invited. Thy are young so it means the oarent will stay. An invitation back would be nice. But it shouldnt be done on a rota. Be proud you can help other families out by letting their kids come for a play date and your dc is happy they have their friend round. Its not a competition. Theres no price on friendship

Clueless131417 · 26/11/2016 09:37

Ad if your dc asks why they havent been invited to their friends you just have to be hinest and say their mummy and daddy are busy at work and cant. And your driendnloves coming here.... dont see what the problem is. If its that much of a problem to you stop inviting people.

Original poster
Sarah0574 · 26/11/2016 09:45

I work pretty much full-time, so I think working is a poor excuse for not reciprocating at all. I always find time to invite kids back in the rare cases he gets invited first! Maybe a few weeks afterwards but I get round to it eventually. I'm sorry but I just think it's pure laziness if you never reciprocate. Problems of logistics? really? We have to do these things for our children as they can't go knocking on friends' doors anymore like we did in the old days. Surely if you have to catch up on housework at weekends you could at least consider your child and have a friend over to keep him or her company for a couple of hours. I think parents think I love to have their children over. No i don't always, sometimes they are fussy and quite ill mannered. But I do it because I want to have happy socialised children.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 26/11/2016 09:45

When DT's were younger we rarely did invites for play dates - DH and I hsve always worked ft and DT's went to after school club. Weekends and holidays were reserved for family time.

squiggleirl · 26/11/2016 09:51

Given you last post OP, I'd be quite unhappy at my child spending an afternoon in your charge. How horribly judgemental of other parents, whose circumstances you have no understanding, you are.

I do it because I want to have happy socialised children. And that's your motivation. You're not doing it out of kindness for the other parents or children. You do it because it serves a purpose for you.

Original poster
Sarah0574 · 26/11/2016 09:58

No. I just put my child's needs before my own. Shame you can't do the same.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 26/11/2016 09:58

Of the 3 parents I've dealt with in this regard, the only one who reciprocates is the one who works full time Confused I finish early 2 days a week and schedule playdates then. The other mums always collect and have mentioned doing decorating etc so are definitely free.

I think working/not working has no bearing on whether you reciprocate or not.

itsmine · 26/11/2016 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1477282676 · 26/11/2016 09:59

If you'd rather your children could call for their friends OP, then move! I did...we found it extraordinary that the child across the road from our old house wasn't allowed out to play in her own front garden or in the park nearby and she was about 10. She used to wave sadly at my DC as they played.

Why can't children knock on one another's doors? They can! If people bloody let them!

GahBuggerit · 26/11/2016 10:00

we all want happy socialised children Hmm

that box is surely ticked no matter where your kid is?

Ive had thd odd kid round when i can, its not been reciprocate, doesnt matter one jot, my aim has been acheived - for my ds to have a bit of fun with his friend. whats YOUR aim?

Unsureif · 26/11/2016 10:04

YABU.

My DS has had a couple of play dates and as yet they haven't been reciprocated by me. Essentially this is because I work late (as does DH) and weekends are busy on both sides, especially this time of year. I would hate to think my DS's friend's mum felt like I wasn't courteous. It really is just a matter of circumstance.

MrsJayy · 26/11/2016 10:04

Yabu I think the play date is a ridiculous concept organising your kids social life so they get invited back sounds stressful stop having playdates your kids dont need them they really dont. Perhaps the other parents just see it as going round your house to play and dont feel the need or have the time to invite back.