Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

[Sarah0574]

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

YABU everyone's circumstances are different. If you have the time to invite your DS's friends have over to play then that's great but you shouldn't do it with the expectation of something in return.

DH and I work and my DCs do a lot of extra curricular stuff after school and at the weekends. Throw homework, housework and everything else into the mix and there are rarely a 'spare couple of hours' at the weekend or anytime to fit anything else in. The 'play date' thing drives me nuts along with sleepovers. I know there are many parents like the OP sitting there stewing because they've got the time to do these things and just cannot understand why others don't. It's just not that easy for busy working parents with more than one DC.

Then Faraway they don't have time to go to friends houses for play dates then!

"have you told people you expect reciprocation?" .

Sorry, that comment made me laugh my head off. Does it really need spelling out so formally?

I would feel very guilty to not return the courtesy. Surely, it's the done thing in a civilised society?

You could always cancel a few Improving Activities and let the kids indulge in Hanging Around Pointlessly. Sets them up nicely for the aforementioned teenage years when they will become expert in Hanging Around Pointlessly.

YANBU.

Everyone understands that people working FT don't have the flexibility that SAH parents do.

Accepting play date invitations when you have no intention of reciprocating in some way is entitled and "takey" though.

I'm amazed how thick some people's skin is, re accepting for their own kids but not attempting to do something for the kids who host them. I'm glad our friends aren't like that!

You can play tennis / piano / trumpet your whole adult life. Imaginative play with your friends ends age 9/10 - forever in most cases.

Would far rather my 8 year old and a pal be in the garden pretending to be spies than back to back Improving Activities.

If we host a play date it means I have to make up the work hours at another time. There is one day I work from home and we have no after school commitment - I usually carry on working after the afternoon school run but with another demanding kid in the house it's not possible. Ergo, play dates are rare.

My DS can go to someone else's house after school but unless they can get him to Beavers later or keep him until 6.30 when we get home from work, that's the other days of the week wiped out. I don't know how you can work full time and still host kids after school? Weekends are tied up doing hobbies for us 3 out of every 4.

youre neither reasonable or unreasonable, but I think a lot of people with only one kid are more than happy to have an extra child so theirs has someone to play with, but someone with several children would be much more likely to just not be able to cope with an extra child over to play very often. Wouldnt you be offended if they just refused your invitations all the time because they couldnt cope with reciprocating?

It all reminds me of my (ex) friend's phone call prior to her wedding...."we are getting married but I just wanted to tell you we are only inviting people whose weddings we've been to"

As I said. Ex friend.

(not that I like weddings any more than play dates obvs. I'm not batshit yet)

Dd has friends round. They just go in the bedroom and I lob a packet of biscuits in every hour or so. I am so lax I sometimes leave them on their own while I go to work. (obvs I didn't when they were 3 or anything)

I am also so lax I haven't got an excel spreadsheet tallying up who has been to whose house the most. I'd never pass the Mumzilla test would I?

Blimey I'm so glad Im bringing my kids up to be lazy arses who very rarely do any extra curricular activities.

Srsly though, when the heck do you and your kids get to relax?

Yadwnbu. If you won't reciprocate then don't agree to it in the first place. Can't and won't are very different things.

This is why I stopped letting dd1 go to BFF. I didn't want to have to reciprocate with a new born. The mum of bff used to say I didn't need to have her dd but when I did she'd always say how lovely it was to have child free time.

I felt mean saying dd1 couldn't go but I didn't want to reciprocate so it was the rudest polite thing to do

"You accept an invite, then at approx (no hard and fast rules I'm just trying to give you a general clue) you invite back. Is that so hard to grasp?"

OR. Your child asks to invite someone round to play. You say yes or no. If you say yes, the child comes round. Your child has a nice time. The other child has a nice time. The other child goes home. End of transaction.

Some women are takers in life. They accept the free childcare and never reciprocate. I wonder if they have the same entitled attitude when they are are invited out to a friends for dinner.
It boils down to bad manners and selfishness
Then they have the audacity to turn it round and say the kind hosts are at fault because they expect people to have manners

Bertrand, what if the kids have such a nice time they both want to do it again?

"I felt mean saying dd1 couldn't go but I didn't want to reciprocate so it was the rudest polite thing to do grin"

So your child and her best friend both missed out?

"Bertrand, what if the kids have such a nice time they both want to do it again?"

If it's convenient, you repeat.

ITSMiNE

Exactly well said

I don't do play dates for the simple reason Ds never asks for them, he has a group of kids who he plays out with, where we live and then he has his school friends who he plays with at school. It works and he's happy with this arrangement. I always decline an invite because I don't want to reciprocate it, it sounds selfish, but it's just the way it is.

What, you'd expect the others to host again but you wouldn't offer yourself? Even if it was convenient for you actually?

Fair enough Mum, that's good that you do that.

i never see playdates as free childcare, i dont need it, and ill be surd to ask my friend to take me out for lunch as payback for my treat the other week. mustnt forget i give to receive afterall

imo the ones who see it as childcare are the ones who see it as some sort of bizarre transaction. why else moan? if the end game is your kids to have a good time?

reminds me actually, must get on to the kids mum whose child i took out for birthday tea to tgi's back in 2010 and see when she will reciprocate the £20 i paid out. she doesnt have much money but fuck it, this thread has inspired me to never consider the bigger picture again.

I used to host more when I worked p/f - now I'm f/t it's become so much harder - the weekends are so busy with activities/chores/food shopping/etc so it can often be weeks or months before I can return the offer. I've learned not to stress about it though - if you invite a child to play and you know that both parents work then you just have to accept the delay in the reciprocation. Otoh if the parents don't have other commitments and don't return the invite then I agree it's frustrating.