Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

[Sarah0574]

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

YANBU

It's good manners to reciprocate.

Doesn't it get really complicated, this reciprocating thing? Do you keep spreadsheets?

I have only once had the courage to do that User1470997562, and it did result in a playdate. I think I took the other mum by surprise. Usually when someone enthuses about having my daughter over, I just smile and say "that would be nice."

I have this and it's put me off inviting again as I've assumed that the lack of invitation is their way of letting me know that their child isn't as fond of mine as mine is of theirs.

I'm trying to encourage my DD to have a wide range of friends and playdates seemed a good way to do this but now I'm wondering if those of you who say "YABU" have any other ideas of how to help my DD socialise?

No. But even the most numerically challenged can appreciate that 6 and counting hosted play dates versus zero reciprocal play dates don't balance.
Even the kids notice they're not thick either

Generally, there are play date etiquette, if your child go to a friends house several times, it is good manners to invite the child back. If you don't like the child, don't accept the play date!

"Do you struggle with manners generally?"

Oh! You're assuming I''m a non reciprocator-how funny!

At the school where my daughter goes, all the mums of kids are really nice. The school is in a small village. I don't think anyone dislikes my daughter but they stick to who they know. I suspect that it's not that your child is unpopular HappySeven. Most of the mums have been to school together, and their kids to nursery together.
We have only been living here since the start of primary school and we're just not first choice in most cases, and my daughter has learnt to lump it.
At secondary school they get another crack at it.
HappySeven, my 11 year old does three after school clubs. Does your child like to do anything like that? We have also tried to make up for fewer play dates by watching DVD box sets as a family, going out for dinners, going to the beach. The absolute best thing has been getting 2 dogs, as they are the best company for all of us.

Why are people saying that weekends are somehow Sacred Family Time? Why not have a friend or two round then? I do think it's a bit rude never to reciprocate a bit.

Look most people do reciprocate at some point unless there really is a compelling reason why it's impossible. I don't consider working till 3 or having older children's dance lesson etc as a huge barrier. The reason we reciprocate is that otherwise it's taking the piss and they won't get asked again..simple. It's only fair. There's an arrogance with some of these replies as if to say that their kid can go on play dates but sorry we're simply to busy to accommodate another thing in our lives but you know our kid is so amazing etc that other people really don't mind. They do.
And yes, I know there are exceptions, siblings who can't cope with strangers in the house etcetc This is a general rule.

I prefer having play dates at weekends. My daughter has seen us all week, and wants to have company of her own age then. If we have a friend in tow we can persuade our daughter to do things she would otherwise drag her feet over.
I have had the conversation over whether to reciprocate on many occasions and heard every excuse under the sun. I have just had to move on. People either want to do it or they don't.

My 3 DC have so many clubs / activities after school the only day we have free is s Friday evening. I feel bad that I haven't had many of their friends round but it literally isn't possible. Saturday until 2 is took up with football and then it's the weekly shop. Then Sundays we have a whole host of grandparents, aunts, uncles etc who all want to see the DC etc. In the school holidays I always try and arrange trips to the park etc which they all have a great time, but it's just not possible in the week. I do feel you need to have a little more understanding of people's circumstances.

Yabu
I have 3 dcs doing activities plus music practise daily. I also work a few days a week. It is usually impossible to have friends over.
I do invite class mates to play in the holidays though and I don't expect anything in return.

Do you only have one dc op?

So how come these kids with Busy Lives can fit in the time to go to friends' houses but not have them back ever?

Mind you this all changes 10 years or so down the line. Teenagers don't do Jolly Family Time to order. It's one of the reasons I love them.

If you are invited to someone's home and enjoy their hospitality you are bound to reciprocate. If you know you won't be able to reciprocate then refuse the invitation.

tbf Mother my ds doesnt work 40 hours a week and have to do all the house work stuff on top, hes not the busy one

I work pretty much full time

Define pretty much. Do you mean 30 hours a week with no shifts, finishing in time to pick kids up? If so, that's completely different to those who might work 50-60 hours per week, might not be sure what time they finish, who might do a demanding or stressful job and whose partner also works. They don't have the time to sit around worrying whose feelings they might be hurting because they aren't psychic.

"Or someone who doesn't care .Thing is bert some people do care about being polite and manners."

I care very much indeed about being polite and manners.

YABU with your first post.
YAB rude and judgemental with your 2nd.

My dc are older now, but if, and when they invited dc round to play, it was because my dc wanted to have a particular friend round, and it worked out I could fit it in at that time. I never had any expectation that the same dc would then invite my dc back to theirs - life doesn't work out that way.
Equally, my dc (one in particular) got invited to play at other friends houses sometimes. I wouldn't then keep a 'note' of who was "owed" - that's just not the way things work in my world. I always assumed whichever of my dc were invited, were invited because the other child wanted to play with them and it suited the parents on that day, not that their parent were fishing for some sort of invitation from us. How odd.

From comparing your comments and Berts, itsmine, I'd say one of you definitely is more well-mannered than the other.

If you are invited to someone's home and enjoy their hospitality you are bound to reciprocate. If you know you won't be able to reciprocate then refuse the invitation

Why ?
Then you will have the next thread being "Why do none of my dc's classmates ever want to play with him/her"

The other child is upset and can't understand why someone who is a friend to them in school never wants to come and play when asked. Who is gaining from that ?

Agree Pseudo, working 'pretty much' is very different to lots of people's situation.
I'm one of the guilty 'busy' parents.
My kids are either in the car on the way to some bollocky activity or other on every single evening of the week between them.
I am the only person around at this point, not only would this be shit for the child coming over, I also couldn't fit them in the car too. I work weekends too.
I am very grateful when people invite my children to play, I do invite theirs back on the very, very rare occasions I can.
But really, don't think that because I can't accommodate that my children's needs are not being met.