Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

[Sarah0574]

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

Just something else that is micro managed by parents these days. Thankfully I still live in an area where my DS just goes out to play and yes that can involve going into a friends house to and vice versa.

Yabu. I'm afraid I've not had any play dates at mine yet. I feel awful but my dc's really do fight, even with neighbours kids around, so I daren't ask any school friends back. If I could have one sibling out of the house and the other at home with a friend it would work but it's a logistical pita (working lp).

OP, how many children do you have? What ages are they?

My yountest son, during primary, had swimming and gymnastics after school, so that was 2 out of 5 afternoons busy on his activities. My older son had swimming (same day as ds2) and martial arts twice a week, so that left 4 afternoons busy. (Outside cricket season, as ds1 also had cricket on Fridays) That left one day a week for possible play date for either of them, and not on the same day....

When the kids were too young to be left home alone, they both needed to come with me when the other had an activity, unless invited to a playdate, if my husband was not at home.

This meant it was difficult for me to reciprocate much until the older one was able to start taking the bus to his martial arts and stopped swimming lessons, and he started doing his own thing re playdates, at the start of secondary.

This has nothing to do with working or not, but children having busy and fulfilling lives with sports and activities that does not center around the play date circuit.

Think about it, you only need two kids, and a music lesson and a sports session each to have every day filled up!

You sound a bundle of joy

If your begrudge it so much, then stop doing it. Nobody is obliged to return play time. Very different if parties or days it are one sided but not a little play after school.

Children absolutely can knock on each other's doors and that's what happens where I live. Ofcourse that's because we live in a nice child friendly newbuild estate and not on a main road. We are lucky but we also moved here specifically because it would allow our children to have the sort of childhood where you go out to play and run up the street to knock on your friend's door. I have never hosted a micro managed playdate. They can go in and out as they please but imo a micro managed playdate is childcare and not something I'm interested in providing, I have enough on my plate. I have no interest in fostering "mum" friendships either so it's really not something that bothers me. I've only met one other mother who does the text to arrange thing everyone else just leaves them to it. Each to their own though.

I remember back in the 1980's where playdates where just going round to play, and was an occasional treat, not a weekly habit. You would invite 'friend' round to play, they might invite you back a few weeks later. It seems to be a thing now.

Op you don't have to do the inviting, if you feel like your being taken advantage of, just do it on your terms occasionally.

"Op you don't have to do the inviting, if you feel like your being taken advantage of, just do it on your terms occasionally."

This.

I'd rather you didn't ask me if you would begrudge non reciprocation.

"Does this not leave your dc isolated from their friends, not learning valuable friendship and social skills away from school breaktimes?"

Nope. DD plays with friends at her childminder's and at Rainbows.

I have "hosted" one after school play date so far this school year, which required leaving work early to do. I also had DD's friends over for three days during half-term, while their parents were at work. If I worked a different job (I'm a teacher) then I imagine that we wouldn't have been able to host even this much.

a micro managed playdate is childcare
Well, yes, but when you're child is only 5, they're not really old enough to organise a trip into town

Same to you, itsmine. Just stop if it's making you resentful.

We tend to keep going with reciprocating, if they seem compatible and it's someone reasonably easy to get on with, where there's a prospect of a friendship developing. Not so much on a like for like basis.

I think sometimes if there are a lack of invitations back it can be worth having a think about your dc's general behaviour towards others as sometimes that can be an issue.

Otherwise I can only think that you've been a bit unlucky. Most people here reciprocate at some point - probably not weekly, maybe monthly, definitely once a term. When our house was flooded I'd take a few out with us instead.

But there have been some we haven't reciprocated - it's generally when they didn't get on and dc didn't want them to come round again.

I work full time but do a short day every now and again so DD can have a friend over. DH does a short day on Friday so he's frequently in charge if the play dates! Sometimes her friends invite to theirs which is lovely and I try to remember who but I can't always return the favour.

However there is one child who invites herself almost every week, her family never return the favour. That one I'm less keen on because it's too regular and totally one sided, and DD likes to see her other friends too. Coming over for an hour to play (what I did as a child) - fine. Coming over for 3 hours including snacks and dinner - less fine.

Who said anything about 'micro managed play dates'?!

If we have other kids over they get left to it! I'm just there for emergencies/food provision. I certainly don't entertain them or provide activities.

The thing is sarah scale down the playdates so they are less frequent, and just do them occasionally. You cannot force a parent to give a playdate, but it seems as though they are taking the piss, if none of them invite your ds back to play. You can control your actions, and say no more!

"However there is one child who invites herself almost every week, her family never return the favour. "

Then say no!

I agree with pp about looking at your own child's behaviour if he doesn't get any invitations at all.
We have had this problem. Ds1 is very easygoing and polite - he had/has loads of invitations, as soon as I have someone here he gets an invite back. The ft working mums find a way to make it reasonably even (he has been out with one friend's grandma/goes on a day trip in the hols with an only child friend in return for several after schools with us).
Ds2 is a different story. I know he can be far too loud and boisterous. Never rough but very full on. He is improving as he gets older but he is taking a long time to learn things which ds1 just 'got' for himself. I do have to manage his play dates a bit so that everyone enjoys themselves. Nothing major but just maybe do an activity with them for some of the time so he doesn't get silly. He rarely gets invites.
I might be way off the mark but it's worth considering your ds before blaming all The parents at the school.

When my children were younger we always reciprocated.

If the child was unpleasant, rude or didn't play nicely with my child, they obviously did not get an invitation back and we let the friendship go. This was very rare though.

3boys my ds 4 nearly 5 has dev delay and speech and language delay, he is boisterous and full on, but it has got better as he's gotten older. When he was in nursery last year, I used to invite his friends and their mums, often, but never a return, but they would go to each other's houses, made me so 😥, so I stopped. I just had playdates in the park, it was getting warmer anyway. This worked much better, no expectation, they could run about to their hearts content.

It did make me 😥, that mums were talking about arranging playdates, and ds not invited, especially the mum of his best friend, who had all and sundry round hers except ds and I. I invited them, but always too busy. I know it's because ds has sn, and is not academic or perfect, she's a bit of a queen bee. I've accepted it now, anyway ds has started school this Sept, and is too tired for playdates anyway.

My DS has 2 older sisters. All 3 dance and play instruments. I work until 3 and husband works full time. There isn't a night after school that we don't have after school activities for one or other of my children. Saturday's are also pretty full. Occasionally we schedule in someone to come to our house to play but DS can go to a friend's to play more often. I wouldn't turn down a play date just because it may not be returned.

I think play date is a bit of a wanky term but I'm assuming you mean a kid back after school to play Lego and eat chicken nuggets.

I don't think YABU to hope it would sometimes be reciprocated but I think when you dig a little deeper it's obvious why it isn't or hasn't been in many cases.

Very large families probably have less time. Parents who don't pick up from school everyday themselves. Child with lots of extra-curricular activities. Parents who have to drive. to school and can't fit an extra car seat in. Separated parents. Lone parents. Families where someone works nights so is asleep in the day. Families so skint they would worry about providing snacks to other kids.

I would just enjoy being able to have such an active role in DCs friendships. My mum always encouraged us to have friends over and it was priceless in the teen years - she knew all gossip and knew who I was out with and that I was safe.

The other parent just doesn't want to. It's as simple as that.
I choose to have kids over as I have one child, and she doesn't get a look in otherwise.
What sticks in my throat is when you take someone's child home after a play date or sleepover, and they gush in front of your child about how nice it would be to have them to sleepover or play. It never happens, and then my daughter asks me what she has done wrong.

I think a useful technique with somebody like that WalkingCarpet is to ask them - I've got something on, is there any chance dd could come round to yours after school next Thursday?

Because half the time I think people are just not really thinking about it, it's not high on their list of priorities rather than them actively not wanting to have your dc.

Yes it's nicer to be properly invited. But a reminder is sometimes all that's needed to wake them up. The end result is the same - your dd goes round for a playdate. And it becomes a bit of a two way thing then where you can both ask/offer.