Aibu to expect a play date in return for a play date?

[Sarah0574]

I have had loads of my DS's friends back to mine for play dates but I hardly ever get invitations back? why? I understand that some mums work late, use childcare, but surely they could spare a couple of hours at the weekend to reciprocate the arrangement? I feel it's common courtesy really. I'm just sick of it being so one sided. My son would love to be invited to his friends' houses. There is just one friend's family here that seems to appreciate that it should be a reciprocal arrangement.

Yabvu
You should invite kids to play with your kids if that's what your kids want and it suits you. Not in order to wheedle an invitation to someone else's house. You also should not assume anything about anyone else's life. We are all doing the best we can for our children but that may take different forms.

Some children love play dates, others don't. I have one who is always asking when her friends can come to play and one who isn't bothered at all (and one in between). So YANBU to assume that play dates equals happy child.

I mean YABU!

Just caught up with the rest of your posts.

It really is because I work. I get home at 6/7 some days and then have to sit and do works once DC are in bed. Play dates that DS has been invited to have been from 3-5pm when I am still at work.

We have to do these things for our children as they can't go knocking on friends' doors anymore like we did in the old days

Erm, says who?!

I often wonder what the parents who don't have other kids around theirs (I don't like the term play dates) would do if their dc were never invited out? Especially in the winter when the weather is awful. I can understand an adversion to sleepovers, but would still make the effort and have kids round but drop off before bedtime.

Does this not leave your dc isolated from their friends, not learning valuable friendship and social skills away from school breaktimes?

For most of the parents I know who don't reciprocate it's not because they want to spend valuable time with their dc, because they are quite happy to pack them off to others houses. Al leasrpt if they are at yours you see themselves!

YABU and I say that as someone who used to host lots of play dates.

Surely after inviting a child over once and not getting a return invite you should just not invite them again. Alternatively, how about letting the other parents know what your expectations are before you invite their kids over. You could do it politely and tell them you were hoping to find someone who could do reciprocal playdates beforehand rather than being salty about it afterwards.

I agree with you a bit in that it's polite to at least attempt to invite back. However this "putting my child's needs before my own" is a bit wanky isn't it? The number one reason for not returning the invitation round here is the children all being busy with clubs & activities. We accepted an invitation in half term which I won't be able to return for ages because the child has swimming and football on the 2 nights we are free. We'll prob invite him next half term or something.

We host playdates, when I get round to it, because my kids LOVE having their friends round. It's nice if they get invited back but they love it for its own sake too.

my dc are among the most popular at their school with a wide circle of friends and a few close ones. quality not quantity is important.

id say the ones who are upset at lack of reciprocation are the ones more likely to want to pack their kids off tbh. why else be so bothered?

id also like to throw it out therd that noone can know the other familys situation - a dog who is anxious about people it doesnt know, mum having to do the housework at weekend due to a lazy arse dh, a dp who works nights so understandably wants a bit of down time at weekend with his family or just a bit of peace, feeling embarassed about lack of suitable play space for other kids, embarassment at the home in general, someone in the family who feels awkward about visitors.......its wonderful if the general 'you' dont have any of this to consider but some of us do sadly.

YABU. If we have someone round here it is because DS wants to play with them. That's all. It's not some weird social obligation.

Have you told people you expect reciprocation?. Jesus, some people have no social intelligence whatsoever . If you have to be specifically told, you're a bit of a halfwit, aren't you?
Most people don't need these things spelled out.

Play dates (yuck- horrid term!) are about your child having someone to play with. Why on earth do they need to be reciprocated?

How awful if children aren't allowed to go to their friends houses if for whatever reason their parents can't reciprocate.

I've accepted that some people find them stressful. I love having dc's friends over and hope I'm setting the precedent that as teens they'll hang out here. I've stopped worrying about being invited back. I was worried re dd1 as she struggles a bit socially but has 2 really good friends. One never invited her except for parties once a year. Her mum recently randomly came and apologised but admitted she is really bad at fitting in play dates but thanked me a lot for organising. That's enough for me to be honest. Her dd is lovely and so is she so fine we'll have the play dates here.
I have noticed my friends with the biggest houses are the least likely to host anything which I find slightly odd (especially my neighbour who is always asking to come over but we have only been there once despite her having 3 times the space at least. I guess she has her reasons.)

Well, "play dates", as they name suggests, usually relate to very young children who need to be ferried around and (to a degree) looked after while they're at someone else's house.
Older kids who can travel independently are a different ball game completely.

i think social intelligence also covers appreciating others situations may mean its not so easy for them to reciprocate

"Does this not leave your dc isolated from their friends, not learning valuable friendship and social skills away from school breaktimes?"

Nope. Mine go to after school club, interest clubs, the Baden Powell organisations, then occasionally on a Sunday we will meet up with another family with kids and go out to lunch and a walk.

If one is asked on a play date, it is in the time that's covered by after school club. If a parent is happy to collect DC from school then me or DH can collect from them at the time of after school club end. We are not home before then.

We do other things like share lifts to brownies/Cubs, but we don't do play dates.

And they play with each other during the weekend. And we have a cleaner.

I think an element of reciprocity is pretty typical in all social interactions so I don't think you are being totally U. Over the years my children have prioritised friendships with those who return invitations (I guess it's nice to know you're wanted). Friends whose parents are too busy to occasionally arrange a return visit are just 'at school' friends.

I absuy hate play dates. I do reciprocate, but the DC don't go to many, so I don't have to host much, which is nice.

If nobody invited the children round all winter, I would be really pleased. We could all do stuff around the house and go for walks and read books and watch films, and hang out in the library, with no stress! We are a family of introverts, and are all happy for play dates to be an occasional thing. And summer is better, because they can play in the garden.

My DC are really good friends with each other, which might make a difference. If they needed to arrange a play date to be with someone who shared their interests and favourite type of games, then I might be keener on arranging them.

I would probably say no to the second play date invite, thinking about it.

"Oh, that's really kind but I know we haven't been able to return the invite and timings make that hard for us"

Then if the other parent was happy to,progress, I would.

Agree, broomstick - one DC would be left out by a play date for the other and would then require more attention, not leaving me to get on with cleaning as per op suggestion...

well of course Itsmine, obviously when i could id ask the one whose house hed been to the most.

i didnt bring up social intelligence btw, i wouldnt have thought it needed to be, id have hoped that most would appreciate iothers situations, in fairness i have only come across this being seen as take take take on mn

Yabu

Playdate should be occasional treats in my eyes but some parents hassle me non stop. I do want to see my own kids!! So I do them but prefer 1 or 2 a term not weekly.

One woman openly had a go at me for not having her child 3 times at week. I have more than double the amount of children and and chronic health condition. As well as studying full time.

Let's be honest the parents are doing this for their own benefit to get a break from the kids for a couple of hours. They should seek out like minded parents if they want to do it non stop.

Yanbu, I can very rarely host play dates (work FT), but I try to fit in a few every year. The kids that visit have sahm"s, they promise a reciprocal visit that gets my ds hope up, but it never materialises. Luckily he is learning that's the case now.

Not read the entire thread, however I do understand and yanbu. I appreciate that parents often work and the logistics to organise can be difficult. However, it is disappointing when you have been host to various children and their parents and never had an invitation back particularly when your child is desperate to go to someone else's house to see new toys / bedrooms and they take the lack of invitations as being "nobody likes me"