Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want Her To Move Out

274 replies

SickandTired01 · 25/11/2016 12:56

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

OP posts:
Thattimeofyearagain · 25/11/2016 12:57

Yanbu.

MimiSunshine · 25/11/2016 13:01

You'll get loads of people saying that she should stay no matter what as you couldn't send your DD anywhere if she behaved the same.

And to be honest unless your SD became dangerous to live with then I do think you have to ride it out.

What sanctions are in place for her bad behaviour? Maybe start there and cut the things she liked I.e. How much money do you give her as an allowance? Could you divide it by the number of chores so that if she doesn't do them then she gets s reduced amount etc

EdmundCleverClogs · 25/11/2016 13:03

So she says she feels she has mental health issues, is acting like most grumpy teens do, has already lost one home, and your solution is to make her leave another to avoid being a bad influence on your precious child (who I assume isn't a teen yet).

Yabu, your post stinks of 'too much like hard work, must fob her off to someone else'. It must be loud and clear to her that you don't like her/think your own child is far better.

witsender · 25/11/2016 13:04

Yabu. She's being a perfectly ordinary teenager, you can't just boot her out.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2016 13:04

I think you need to speak to your husband, you certainly cannot simply ask his daughter to leave.

You need to discuss it with him and come up with a joint decision. If it is she stays or she goes. If she goes he needs to speak to his ex wife and agree if that's possible and if so speak to his daughter.

So if you're question is can uou simply ask her to go to her mums, without speaking to uour husband or even having agreement from the mum, then the answer is absolutely not, not if uou want to stay married. Discuss with your husband, and whatever you agree between uou, then he needs to sort out the logistics and the communications if he agrees with uou.

OnionKnight · 25/11/2016 13:06

Sounds like every other teenager in the world.

Yamadori · 25/11/2016 13:06

She recently announced that she has mental health problems Well, maybe she does and this would explain her behaviour. Perhaps this needs to be looked into before anything else.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 25/11/2016 13:06

Difficult one. It sounds like you're at the end of your tether, and I sympathise - teenagers can be really hard work.

However, what you've described sounds exactly like a teenager experiencing mental health problems and lashing out. If you make her leave you risk exacerbating them and abandoning her when she needs you the most.

Can you push for some family counselling, or get involved in her treatment? Bunking off sessions doesn't mean she doesn't care, it may be she can't bear it and just wants to be alone.

YANBU for finding her difficult, but YWBU to kick her out when she's struggling.

GetOutMyCar · 25/11/2016 13:07

YABU

Poor kid, not wanted in either home. :(

Original poster
SickandTired01 · 25/11/2016 13:07

Mimi she doesn't get an allowance, we just buy her what she wants/needs as she wants it... her mum gives her money, I think £10 a week. We've tried taking her electricals and blocking the wifi and she'll perk up and be nice for a few days but then she's back to her normal "delightful" self and we're back to square 1. I'm just sick of it all

OP posts:
peri89 · 25/11/2016 13:08

She sounds like a normal grumpy teenager. I think it would do more damage to her health to kick her out. She needs punishment where appropriate but when she's being a typical teen maybe a bit of leeway. What do you currently do as a reaction to bad behaviour?

AmeliaLeopard · 25/11/2016 13:08

although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will)

This is a fairly classic thing for someone with MH problems to do. Accessing help is incredibly hard, and saying "I couldn't be bothered" is a million times easier than explaining the real reasons behind not going.

KayTee87 · 25/11/2016 13:09

Can I ask what you would do if your biological daughter was behaving this way / having these problems?

SusanneLinder · 25/11/2016 13:09

Teenagers are toads. End of. I have just got my youngest to 18.
If she has mental health problems then she should be supported and sending her back to her mums won't exactly show support for her, will it? She isn't a disposable commodity.
Would you do this if it was your own daughter? Sorry I do think YABU

AmeliaLeopard · 25/11/2016 13:13

but then she's back to her normal "delightful" self and we're back to square 1

Then you repeat the sanction. Every time. Eventually she will decide that she would rather have the wifi than be unpleasant.

TBH, it sounds like you don't like her at all. Do you ever have conversations that aren't fraught? Do something nice together, or chat about how her day was? I can count on one hand the number of teenagers I've met who I could honestly say that there is nothing nice about them. And I teach teenage boys.

EdmundCleverClogs · 25/11/2016 13:13

SickandTired01 if she doesn't get an allowance, she has nothing to 'work for'. Of course she eventually goes back to grumpy, she's a teenager. Not condoning bad behaviour, but sounds like you give her no space to be herself. What's so awful about being in her room and not being the most conversational member of your family?

Bad teenage behaviour would be: staying out all hours/no contact as to where they are, drugs/high alcohol use, stealing, antisocial behaviour outside the home/police involvement, violence, exclusion from school etc. Being rude, doing the bare minimum and ignoring younger siblings is not extreme behaviour and certainly not worthy of an eviction!

Original poster
SickandTired01 · 25/11/2016 13:14

I know I sound like the worst step-mum in the world. And I hate myself for even thinking about sending her back to her mums. Her mum would love to have her back and has tried desperately over the last 4 years to make that happen but DSD is having none of it. I can't decide if that's because we're too easy on her or if she genuinely hates her mum... I know I'm being selfish but I'm really struggling with the stress that trying to raise someone else's teenager is having. My DH kind of agrees that maybe she would be better off back at her mum's as she clearly isn't happy living with us.

And I'm not saying she doesn't really have mental health issues, I'm sure there's stuff going on that is due to coming from a 'broken' home. But that's no excuse for her shitty attitude IMO (I suffered a devastating bereavement at the age of 11 and I didn't turn into a tearaway).

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 25/11/2016 13:16

She is probably playing up as she can sense your obvious dislike of her.

AmeliaLeopard · 25/11/2016 13:16

I didn't turn into a tearaway

Not everyone is the same. And being rejected by your mum isn't that same thing as bereavement. I'm not claiming it is worse by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't think they are comparable.

Catsick36 · 25/11/2016 13:16

Pretty normal boundary testing I'm afraid. Sending strength and patience for you all.

iminshock · 25/11/2016 13:19

I cannot believe some of you think this is normal teenage behaviour.

PinkCrystal · 25/11/2016 13:21

Yanbu.. it's easy to say if not in this position. I have 4 teenagers and only one is like this. In the end she became so agressive physically and verbally that she had to either behave or live elsewhere. She chose the latter. At this point she was 18.

The stress was horrific on us all. The house was a war zone. Yes it is your child/step child and your responsibility. But that doesnt mean your life and home doesn't matter. She can't rule the roost

Original poster
SickandTired01 · 25/11/2016 13:21

KayTee I'm hoping my DD won't turn out like her big sister because she comes from a more stable home (2 x loving parents that are in a happy and committed relationship) she is already the complete opposite of her big sister in every way. Also, I'm hoping that having given birth to my DD and raised her myself will help in how I cope with her as a teenager. DSD isn't "my" daughter and so has not been brought up by me and I find it increasingly difficult reaching out to her as she just doesn't want to know.

I try and engage in conversation but she just skulks off to her room. She rolls her eyes at the suggestions of days out.

I honestly think that she would be better off/happier if she made up with her mum, but I've tried everything I can think of to make that happen to no avail. And I don't necessarily mean living with her mum, just being friends/close again (and forgiving the past instead of holding this grudge from their fall out, which can't be helping her mental health)

OP posts:
Ncbecauseitshard · 25/11/2016 13:21

She was thrown out at 12 by her mum?
She propably can't bear to go back due to the fear of being thrown out again.

shovetheholly · 25/11/2016 13:22

Speak to your DH and come up with a strategy.

It's totally reasonable for a 16 year old to have some conditions for living in a house, e.g. some chores. I think it can also be productive to have a reward system for 'good' behaviour - not necessarily things that are completely material, either but freedoms and treats.

There are so many negative cues in a 16 year old's life (peers being difficult, school stress, body image pressures) that I think sometimes things that reinforce positive, self-loving aspects of the self can be surprisingly few, even in loving families. If this becomes all about punitive actions ("do this or else we're throwing you out") then it could just reinforce that cycle, and feel like another rejection. Counselling for her might be helpful.

I wouldn't worry about the effects on your second daughter. She'll have loads of other figures and models for her behaviour in her life.