To Want Her To Move Out

[SickandTired01]

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

Where would she go if you asked her to leave? I know and understand how tough these situations are, but I think as the adult it really is your role to support her, no matter what.. I agree with others re consequences for her actions .

Edmund she doesn't get an "allowance" because we're skint! She does however get things bought for her as often as I can afford to. I very VERY rarely say no to the things she asks for.... I'm not asking her to spend every minute with us in the living room. but we see her for about half an hour over the whole weekend, maybe even less which I know has a very negative impact on her little sister

What you describe is typical teenage behaviour. Be glad she's not rolling in 3am drunk and full of drugs, that she is still at college. I am not saying you need to tolerate rudeness and bad behaviour but understand that a lot of teenagers do behave like crap and have a stinky attitude. She needs to have consequences for her bad behaviour such as removing wifi, mobile phone etc, you need to warn her that if X happen Y will be the consequence of it. And make sure it does happen. You husband should also be more involved as he is her father and you can distance yourself once he deals with her behaviour.

Ignoring your 4 yo, what do you expect a 16yo to have in common with your DD? DS is 15 and has days on end when he doesn't talk to his sister (9).

I fully understand this is not your battle to have as she is not your teenager however you have married a man with a child so you knew from the beginning he had other responsibilities so he needs to step up to the role.

You'll probably understand better when your DD will be a teenager. I wonder if you have anywhere to send her to once she becomes moody and rude.

My DH kind of agrees that maybe she would be better off back at her mum's as she clearly isn't happy living with us.

Or, if you look at it another way and stop making it all about you wanting an easier life:

She is an unhappy girl going through a difficult phase of life and doesn't have a mum around to support her like other children. Her step mum is more interested in the welfare of her own daughter and the step daughter feels she doesn't belong anywhere. It's not she 'not happy living with you', it's simply she's not happy. Perhaps try and show her some support instead of trying to get her to conform to your idealisms of a perfect family.

So she was chucked out by her mum at 12? At TWELVE?! Poor kid. No wonder she's a bit difficult.

Honestly, I am really shocked that your husband "kind of agrees with you" but you're willing to chuck his daughter out full agreement or a plan.

You need his full agreement, his mothers agreement and you need him to speak to his daughter. In addition I would personally speak to anyone helping her medically to see how it would impact her mental health befor taking any action.

Genuinely. I'm shocked you would consider chucking her out without full agreement from the parents.

Holly I think that might be why she's never forgiven her mum or even considered the idea of giving her a second chance. it also doesn't help that her mum has never apologised for throwing her out (and the reasons that led to it) and has spent the last 4 years trying to blame other people (me, my DH, her own DH) everyone but herself.... that must send a very negative message to my DSD.

Maudlin if I were to ask her to leave she would either have to go back to her mum's or to her maternal grandparents

I haven't been in this situation so feel free to ignore me... I think you and DP need to agree together what you expect of her, and it needs to be the same standard of behaviour as you'd expect of your DD. If money is a big draw for her, tightening the purse strings/offering an allowance for good behaviour may be an idea - is her mum on board too?

Then both sit her down, explain that while you understand that she has a lot on, you are a family living under one roof and X, Y and Z will not be tolerated. Set out consequences. Follow them through if needed. Ask her point-blank about how she thinks her mental health is, and what you can do to help her.

I am amazed you are seriously contemplating this.

This entire thread is awful. That poor girl. Seems like she has no adult willing to stand up for her.

My DD was an absolute fucking nightmare at that age. She's the reason I joined MN in the first place - I was absolutely at the end of my tether. But the reality is it must be easier to put up with appalling shite that has you in tears on a regular basis if it's your own child - being one step removed must make a difference to tolerance levels. I could barely cope and this was my own child. So I have a load of sympathy for the OP - it must be bloody hard.

But - they come out again the other side. In a couple of years she will be nice again, or at least getting there. My DD is in her twenties now and we have a lovely, close relationship. Your step-DD has been kicked out by her mum, she possibly has MH issues - just keep counting to 10 for as long as you can and wait for it to end. I do think this is less of a step-daughter thing and more of a teenage girl thing.

SickandTired01, how old is your daughter? Having been a teen with much younger siblings, I also didn't spend much time with them. It wasn't because I didn't care, but we had nothing in common! She will grow out of it.

If she asks for things and you 'rarely say no', either you can start paying her/putting money aside for chore money or you can start establishing rules for buying things- 'you will get new item when you've done washing/room tidying/wash the car'.

Sorry - just seen the age gap between the two of them!

Parenting teens is hard. Being a teenager is hard.

To be honest, nothing you have described is very different to how my DD behaves at times; and I know plenty of teenage girls who are far, far worse. But I wouldn't dream of rehoming her, any more than I would the dog when he went through adolescence.

It's great that she is in the CAMHS system. We've found it to be an invaluable help. Please try to support her - she'll probably only be with you for a couple more years and then off to uni or wherever. This time will fly by, and a happier experience now will set her in good stead for adulthood.

What's the negative impact on your precious DD? What's so hard to explain "your older sister is 16 and has a hard time at the moment, she loves you but she finds it hard to show it now, later on in life I am sure you'll be best friends".

From what you have said I haven't picked up on any reason why she'd be happier back at her mums. Making up with her mum, yes I agree. But moving back would be currently against her will, and be almost a repeat of the parental rejection she is already traumatised by. She might not rebuild the relationship with either parent if you tried to move her now. I know that you say she is someone else's child and in one way that is true, but it cannot be a factor in anything you do. You chose to marry and have a child with a man who had an absolute pre existing commitment which is more important than his commitment to you. You took him and his dd on as a package and you are now a family. There is no get out clause for touh teenage years.

What I meant to say is, you should not be thinking of getting her to move because it would be nicer for you. You have to put her welfare first as much as you would your own dd's.

Edmund she does have a mum who tries daily to get back into her daughters life. It's not like she kicked her out and then disappeared off the face of the earth!

And it's not about me wanting an easier life, or putting my DD first (though why shouldn't I? Does my mental health and wellbeing not mean as much as DSD's?) it's about wanting to do what's best for DSD and if that means she goes back to her mum's then so be it.

Is she really a 'tearaway'? She just sounds like a typical stroppy teenager to me. It is normal for someone that age to hide away in their room a lot and not have much to do with a much younger sibling.

She has already been kicked out by one parent and now the other parent is thinking of doing the same. You need to think very carefully about what message you want to send her and the emotional damage it could cause her. I'm really shocked her Dad is considering this.

Put yourself in DDs shoes. She isn't that bad - no mention of alcohol/drugs, no teen pregnancy, still attending college. Obviously that doesn't mean you should just put up with poor behaviour, but you really should be able to see some good points in her.

Her mum kicked her out at 12, and now her father and step-mum want her out too. Does she have anyone in her life who is prepared to stand by her (perhaps a grandparent)? By your own admission your DD will be fine because she has stability, but you are suggesting removing what little stability there is from your step-daughter's life.

She might not want to talk to you or her father, but as the adults in this situation it is up to you two (though mostly him) to keep lines of communication open. Especially if she is struggling with mental health.

And don't try to force her to keep in touch with her mum. From personal experience (so I might be projecting), forcing me to maintain a relationship with an emotionally abusive father was the worst mistake my mum ever made. It wasn't until I finally went to counselling (aged 23) that anyone told me I didn't have to put up with the way he treated me, just being my dad didn't give him an excuse to treat me like crap.

AIBU to post on AIBU? yes. There is a step parent forum on here where you will have other SM's POVs. We have similar issues with DSS (DH and I have been RPs for just over 3 years) he is in year 10 and has lived with us since starting year 7. in the last year he is self harming, has been excluded from school, transferred to a new school and now transferred back. It is very stressful and when you don't have that parental bond it is much harder (IMO anyway). My in-laws (DSS's grandparents) regularly tell me I am a saint - err no, saints don't swear under their breath ever, probably. There are others who will feel your pain, but not on AIBU! Take heart, she will thank you for everything you do for her in years to come (well that's what DH tells me anyway)

I am the last person to give step parents a hard time usually. Your DD is not a 'tearaway', she is in full time education!
Stop the press, hormonal teenage girl gets moody and withdrawn, rolls eyes and gives out about doing chores- COMPLETELY NORMAL. Not great and no fun for us as parents but it comes with the turf. Your 'bright, confident and absolutely lovely to everyone' DD will also be hard work at that age I'm afraid.

You could of course send your step daughter back to her Mums as she is hard work and in doing so, you would be a massive shit.

SickandTired01 doing what's best for her and sending her back to her mum's are two totally different things. You may not mean to, but you're coming over as a very selfish 'me me me' person who cannot be bothered with your husband's 'difficult' first child (and I find that almost laughable, you haven't actually pointed out any of her behaviour that I would consider utterly awful and worth kicking her out).

As a previous poster said, you chose a man who already had a child. Just because they aren't as easy as your kid, doesn't mean you have a right to send them away when things get 'difficult'. Very much doubt this would/will be your attitude come your child's teenage years.

Your dsd is without a doubt, jealous of her younger sister. You obviously love your own child more, it's only natural, but this will be quite heartbreaking to your dsd even though she puts on a big show of not caring.

You say she rejects suggestions of days out etc. I think you need to keep on about spending time with her (alone, without your dd). Keep the door open and hopefully when she's feeling up to it she'll respond.