To Want Her To Move Out

[SickandTired01]

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

Poor child, no wonder she is playing up she more than likely feels like nobody wants her. Your child has a stable home, you should be working with your husband to make this child feel just as supported and stable IMO.

Not sure how old your daughter is, but at 16 my brother was 8 and most of the time I didn't really want to socialise with him either, I liked being in my room to my own thoughts. I love him to pieces, I didn't want to spend all my weekend with him.

Obviously I don't know the back story but whilst this child isn't "your" daughter, she is your husbands daughter and you have been in her life since she was 6. She has lived with you since she was 12, she shouldn't be disposable to you, when she moved in with you she became your responsibility too.

She was thrown out at 12 by her mum?
She propably can't bear to go back due to the fear of being thrown out again.

Yeah and imagine the impact of her Dad throwing her out too.
Sorry OP but I think you'll have to grin and bear it, she won't be a teenager forever.

She sounds very sensible if she was able to recognise she has mental health issues and take herself off to a gp fo a camhs referral. Did anyone offer to go with her today?

I think it is sad that you say there is nothing 'darling' about her. Every child should have a background of unconditional love against which yes, they may behave badly and be pulled up,on it, but they know they are still 'darling' to their family deep down. Your dsd is less likely to be confident and happy or well behaved if she feels that foundation is fragile or missing.
I can see it must be hard but you and your DH need to step up and be there for her, fully and willingly.

bonnymiffy yes, but your poor step son sounds like he is an actual 'tear away' (for lack of better word). The op has yet to state anything that is unmanageable with her stepdaughter, other than worried 'surly teenage is surly, worried about my precious child seeing teenage behaviour, must send her away!'.

Yabu

bonnymiffy
It doesn't always get better. You need to be aware and prepared for that.

Who is dealing with her when he stropping, asked to do chores but isn't etc..? You or her dad?
It seems that you are the one who is struggling the most because she is all focused on you, I assume because you are the one doing the parenting. Is that right?
If this is the case, what about switching role and for your DH to take on board all the parenting of your dsd and taking some of the burden off your shulders?

Gods sake, try living like the op is( and I have , bio child in my case ) before you judge. Sending you all the best op.

I'm a stepmother and from where I'm sitting you're not being a good one. She existed before you met her father. You've always known she existed. When you take on someone with children they come as a package. No point bitching about it now.

What you're describing is pretty normal teenage behaviour. That often includes MH issues. Blowing off an appointment is totally normal at this age. Maybe help her book another one?

The fact that she managed to go to her GP and sort out a CAMHS appointment by herself tells me two things: that she's resourceful and that she sees herself as unsupported, that no one else is going to help her.

Your attitude must be so hurtful. I'm sure she knows you'd like to turf her out. I really think you need to do a bit of heart searching and up your game.

I'm hoping my DD won't turn out like her big sister because she comes from a more stable home (2 x loving parents that are in a happy and committed relationship) she is already the complete opposite of her big sister in every way.

This is just lovely BTW.

Ok, so it is horrible to live with someone who is behaving like your DSD. I have a pre-teen version myself (though, she is from a broken home, so what can I expect, eh?). However, most of my sympathy in your situation is reserved for the 16 year old who already feels rejected by her mum, and if you carry on, her dad too.

My DD has a very troubled relationship with her dad, and is a pain the bum maybe 90% of the time at the moment. She is all the things you say your DSD is. I find it incredibly hard, but as we know where it comes from, my DP and I put boundaries in place, punish where necessary, listen and sympathise where appropriate, and because we aren't saintly, occasionally yell at her bit. But, ultimately, I know she knows we're on her side and we're all going to get through this difficult phase.

Honestly, look for the good in her, she obviously can manage it sometimes. Be hardcore where you need to, and when you don't, just, really, REALLY, show her some love. And if you can't, and I do kind of appreciate why you might not be able to, then your DH should be stepping up there. In fact, TBH, he sounds like he needs to step up a lot more in general. It is harder when it's not your child (I have had teenage step-children) so if it's getting to you, then really he needs to take more of it on for a while.

I feel like it would be horribly damaging to ship her off back to her mum, particularly if you feel she wouldn't want to go, because she's a challenge. That's sorta the deal with teenagers.

you and her dad should go and talk to CAMHS and use the appointment to discuss strategies
teenagers dont want to go to CAMHS appts..even for adults if they in throes of MH it can be difficult for them to accept help. Her dad should have been there to make sure she got to the appointment.

go thru CAMHS and work out some strategies with her and the people assessing her before you decide next drastic steps.

charlestonchaplin thanks for the warning!

Do you have access to support for the whole family op?

Btw it sunds like Step mum can never get things right on MN.
So the OP should welcome and accept everything from her dsd like if she was a dd.
But if she was treating her as if she was her dd, she would be told she is trying to take the place of her mum, its not her role blabla.

The reality is that step families are hard and its almost impossible to get it right for everyone tbh.

Re your dsd leaving, I think the first step if for your DH to take over all the parenting and then its up to him to take that decision. And he will have to take it knowing what are the potential consequences for his dd1, his dd2, your family as a whole etc...
Please I will hope that your DH, her DAD, will have a look at all the avenues first (MH, parenting, being more lenient etc...) before taking any decisions.

My son is 16 and has had counselling for anxiety since his dad left, which has helped a great deal - he had the anxiety for a lot longer but doctors didn't take it seriously until then. He's missed several appointments due to forgetfulness and/or laziness. I have to keep track of his appointments and remind him an hour before, as I have to pay if he doesn't show. I'm impressed that your stepdaughter went to the doctor's on her own about her mental health problems - that is a really adult thing to do. Something many adults would not even manage, in fact. Did she really come up with the idea without any help? (If so, it's a bit of a pity that she didn't confide in her family, though, or that you didn't spot her problems.)

When he is at home, my son is usually in his room. Doesn't want to go out with me, just appears for meals. I thought that was normal at this age. I ask him if he wants to do stuff, without expecting him to do it, and only suggest things like films etc. which I know he would really like.

He can be pretty snappy, though he doesn't mean to. Avoids chores, though he does more than his sister used to at that age - she is more adept at suddenly having an important essay to write and don't I care about her education? - he will even take the dog out a couple of times a week if I use emotional blackmail ask nicely. I can understand that it's harder to talk about an older child's behaviour if they are not yours. I can talk to my son about what kind of person he would like to be, or praise him when he is thoughtful, and he expects it from me as you expect your mum to say embarrassing stuff!

In other words I've been pretty lucky with my son - but your stepdaughter doesn't sound a complete nightmare, either. She doesn't stink the place out with cigarettes, get drunk and vomit on your carpet, bunk off school for weeks or get caught shoplifting? (If she did, I'm not sure any of that is unusual either...)

Maybe you are actually investing more effort than necessary, and could just try leaving her to her own devices, letting your husband do his duty as a dad? While you get on with being a happy family with your daughter.

So the consensus is that IABU (and a shitty step-mum too). I will sit down with DH and see if we can figure out how tosupport her and help her through the next few years (as contrary to popular opinion I do actually love the girl!)

So the OP should welcome and accept everything from her dsd like if she was a dd.

Um. Well, yes. As a step-parent, particularly one who lives with the step-child, yes. Because it's that child's home, with one of their parents, and the space that they should, ultimately, be safe and secure in. And, will, then, be the space that they most act out in. It's not easy, but I reckon it's the deal.

Some incredibly judgemental twats hiding behind their keyboards on this thread.
Try LIVING in this type of situation before you chip in to have a go at the op, or any parent who has been pushed into considering this course of action

Thattimeofyearagain perhaps some of us have? I'm personally not commenting just because I felt like having a go at the OP.

I'm genuinely concerned about this poor girl, who seems to have been tarred as 'too much trouble' from a very young age (god knows why), hasn't a single parent/caregiver who is willing to do anything resembling hard work with her, is being compared to her younger sister (I'm guessing is very much younger as the OP wont elaborate) and can't seem to do anything right in her stepmother's eyes except be a burden. I don't doubt she's difficult, but can also see that her parents are making it difficult for her to grow out of it/feel like she can ask for help. She sounds very unhappy, I hope being pushed out of another family home/unit doesn't break her.

Some of us are living/have lived with this situation, and plenty worse, though.

But if she won't engage in her current home then something has to change.

Why are you having to tear yourself to bits dealing with this? Why is your DH not working towards a solution? Doesn't sound like a shitty step-mother to me, just a very un-supported one. At the end of the day, she is his child, and yet he's allowing you to deal with the emotional fall-out from a broken family.

It may well be normal teen behavior and attitude, but it doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
If cutting off electronics and wifi works, repeat, repeat, repeat. Consistency is the key. She will eventually get the picture. Think of them as toddlers with mobiles and the ability to leave the house alone.

Op, do you and dh do anything alone with your dsd? I think this is so important. We have a big age gap and often the older one gets forgotten about as we have to gear outings towards the younger one. Doing something with the older one alone brings an entirely new dynamic and she opens up and chats about things that she couldn't with the younger one there.

A meal maybe? Or a trip to a christmas market near you? Tempt her with getting a present for her mum maybe x