To Want Her To Move Out

[SickandTired01]

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

I'm hoping my DD won't turn out like her big sister because she comes from a more stable home (2 x loving parents that are in a happy and committed relationship) she is already the complete opposite of her big sister in every way

This is horrible. You have the chance to create a stable home with two loving parents and instead you are throwing the towel in and trying to get rid of her. Man the fuck up op, she's a normal teenager who has been through a lot.

And if you think she doesn't notice being constantly compared to your shining example of a perfect daughter, she fucking does, trust me.

Shame on you.

It seems awfully unfair that this troubled child's bad behaviours are affecting you the most and her biological parents are off in the background somewhere

The OP is a grown up. If her husband is not pulling his weight that is for the OP to sort out. It has nothing to do with her step daughter.

Op you don't know how your own child will turn out, you really can't. They could well turn into a stroppy teen like your step dd, than again, not! So you can't be smug just yet, until they are grown up.

do you really think your SD is so blind she cannot see how you feel about her? I was initially quite sympathetic towards you, as I have had 5 years of hell from my own DD. And then you said that you are dubious about her MH issues! wow. just wow. and yet you also claim to love her, that when things are good they are awesome. so you only want to live on the sunny side of the street, yes? My DD behaved abominably towards the whole family during her teenage years. MH issues were discussed, involvement with CAHMS petered out as she felt it wasn't helping, just making her more anxious and not once, did i doubt her. I didn't particularly like her behaviour, nor her attitude, but i didn't dislike HER. In the end it turned out that she had an undiagnosed physical problem that led to her having extreme anxiety and behavioural issues. which we are still dealing with. you obviously dislike your SD and by the sounds of it your H has little to do with her. She isn't a child and she isn't an adult , but you sound like you have these unrealistic expectations of how she should behave.

If the girls mother was posting she would be getting an earful. Same if it was her dad. But it's not its her sm who is asking if she's being ur to yet again let down a vulnerable children, ofcourse she will be told she is ur.

Well yes they would be "getting an earfull" as they would deserve it. The OP is "getting an earfull" as she is being horrible about her step daughter.

Poor kid. I am actually amazed she's not behaving more badly than she is considering the pressures she must be under.

YABVVVVVU

She is your husband's daughter. It's not as easy as you just panicking about some imagined effect it may have on your child and throwing her out. Imagine if your daughter was a bit moody and your husband wanted her to move out. How would you feel then?

What you describe is in no way extreme. So she's a bit of a moody teenager. You should be trying to help and parent her not get rid of her.

The problem is this is the classic step parent dynamic. Marry someone knowing they have kids but want to wipe the slate clean and pretend they don't exist. This is what you signed up for. Get on with it.

I can guarantee that my DD won't be like her sister because she has been brought up better and will not be allowed to speak to/treat people the way DSD has and does.

My DD will be respectful and courteous and grateful because that's how I am bringing her up.

You have been bringing up dsd for the most recent years so it could be said that her current behaviour is overwhelmingly your"fault". If so, image how bad your dd will be after 16years of your parenting.

Basically I think I'm struggling to strike a balance on discipline/home life/chores/whatever BECAUSE she isn't my biological daughter, and it's difficult to know how to handle situations when the child doesn't want your help. I would have happily gone to the appointment today (or any other day) but she doesn't want me there.

This OP. It's difficult to know from your posts, how much your step daughter has accepted you as a parental figure. You do not seem able to parent her 'normally' as she does not want your help. This has been ignored by all the other posters.

If this is the case, I had similar with my DSD who although (or perhaps because) she had been sent to our live with us by her mother, totally refused to acknowledge my parenting. Like you, I tried for many years. It's no good saying Dad should step up if he's the main earner.

Mum has to step up, she has to reinstate a relationship with her daughter. If it really is detrimental to live full time with her Mum, then part time or some weekends. You cannot take on a teen who rejects your parenting because you are a step parent. It doesn't sound like a normal teen/parent situation. And this won't come out well for your step daughter if no one is able to parent her.

Your dh needs to step up, night shifts or not, and help parent his daughter

You need to rein in the attitude that your DSD is the product of a "broken home" and your PFB is an angel

BTW, children often lash at most at the people they feel most secure with. It sucks, but it is what it is. So although she may appear to be rejecting you she is possible more attached to you than you realise.

You seem very sure your own DD will not be a nightmare as a teenager - don't count on it! Also, if you do throw your SD out, what message will that send to your DD - if I'm naughty I won't be loved and I'll be kicked out? Children need unconditional love and support, even the obnoxious ones

It sounds as though both her 'real' parents have relied on you for the parenting. No wonder you need a break.

Is there a way that you can get them both to step up and take the weight of their responsibilities, with you playing a supporting role?

Yes Charley50 my dad died when I was 11 (which I witnessed) and I think it has left me emotionally stunted. As in I find it hard to sympathise with others and I find it really hard to sympathise with DSD (she has 4 parents! I only had 1 - stupid as that sounds).

I know IABU and over the weekend me and DSD have had a good chat, we're both feeling much better about our relationship and I know I need to cut her some major slack and she knows she has to start pulling her weight. (moving back to her mums was not mentioned as I know this would be very upsetting for her).

I'm sorry you all think I hate DSD and prefer my DD, but that just isn't true. I love them both.

I may have been fully prepared to take on a SC when I got with DH but that doesn't mean I was necessarily prepared for what turned out to be a lot of baggage (which I know is not DSD's fault) and I never imagined our (including DSD's) lives would turn out the way they have with all the heartache and bad blood with her mum. I definitely wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to parent DSD full-time.

My original post was me venting because I am struggling to cope with a situation that is both heart-breaking and frustrating and which I am woefully unequipped to deal with.

I'm only human.

Thanks for all your replies.

Glad you're going forward in a positive way.

Those of us thinking you favour your natural child over dsd were responding to your posts which after all is all we have to go on.

You are only human but that's why many of us said that her natural parents really need to step up and not leave it all to you.

I've a friend who became a step mum to 2 girls upon marriage as in the father already had custody. The mother was an addict and in no shape to take care of the girls. It's been tough BUT her husband was equally parenting because they were HIS kids first. And he had a very demanding job too (shifts, time away from home). Your husband can't expect you to take on the majority of the load.

Graphista I think DH also struggles with her as he has only ever been a part-time, weekend/EOW kind of dad from DSD being about 2 or 3 years old (that's not to say he isn't a good dad, because he is) but I feel we're both just muddling along when really we need to step up our game, him especially as she is his daughter first and foremost.

I've no idea what will happen with DSD and her mum, but I am going to stop forcing the issue and not keep trying to facilitate a reconciliation as I don't think that's in her best interest at the moment.

At the end of the day, DSD knows she is loved, we are trying our best and none of us are perfect. We'll just keep going and parent her as best we can.

Thanks again everyone for the support and kind words (and also the not so kind ones!).

The thing about only being a weekend dad works for maybe the first few months to a year but she's been with you 4 years now, thats not been the case for a long time.

Plus given she came to you as a result of problems in her mothers home (and from your own comments it sounds like that was primarily the mothers fault), surely you and your husband knew she was going to need a lot of patience, love and support? More than other kids at the same age.

I'll be honest I'd have got her into counselling as soon as she came to you (and yes I know hindsight is perfect vision, but in this case just the circumstances of her coming to live with you would have suggested the need to at least investigate this).

Has family counselling (all 5 of you) been suggested/considered?

I will be very surprised if the counsellor she's with now doesn't suggest this or at least counselling with the parents coming in for some sessions.

My own daughter has had some anxiety rear its head this term, as soon as I noticed it was a continuing problem I've been working on getting her to accept the need to get help, she's got an appointment this week.

Teens now have so much more pressure than my generation did (mid 40's I suspect similar age to her mum) plus we're more aware of the danger of not getting help early and the long term effects. I have a few mh conditions myself, my therapists and I agree the signs/problems were there from childhood. I really DO NOT want my daughter ending up as ill as me.

You're right Graphista, we've both been "half arseing" it and it has got to stop. She deserves much better than that.

I think counselling would be a great idea, and I did mention to her on Friday that if she wanted one or all of us to come with her for support she only needs to ask, we'd do everything we can to help her. As for counselling with us all and her mum, I don't think that's an option as she hates me with a vengeance (blames me for everything because I took her DD in and she thinks I should have sent her back by now....) and she acts like I don't exists - but that's a separate thread altogether!

You honestly sound like a different person.

With that kind of insight you will make things work.

I'm so glad you seem to be feeling better about things and willing to keep trying with her. And it's great that you're going to back off her relationship with her mother.

I honestly think you can make a massive difference to your dsd if you stick by her. And I hope her dad steps up more.

Good luck

Yea the dynamic between ex wife and stepmum is tough. By the sounds of things (and we've only git your view on this admittedly) she may be projecting guilt about the fact that her daughter is not with her which is our societal default.

I do think all 4 parents need to be involved both with the child and the counselling. Her stepdad isn't mentioned much to the point I didn't register she had one till you said she had 4 parents. 1 excellent parent can be better than 4 half hearted ones to be honest.

Half arseing yes but it's not necessarily too late to remedy.

You do seem much calmer and more balanced today. Also good to see you're expecting more of her dad.

Definitely don't do this as a main parent anymore OP.

You sound as though you've about turned, which is great if you genuinely do feel DSD is able to respond to your parenting and the dynamics of your family are not toxic going forward. I worry that you may end up with barely repressed fustration again, and a DSD who totally ignores you, if you don't spread the parenting to get it more stable. Counselling is not going to tackle day to day stresses on you, which are important, don't minimise these. Get your DP to lead and take responsibility for mh help for his DD, including time off work for appointments. Don't shy away from working towards a relationship between DSD and her mother, if now is not a good time, then later. DSD could donwith knowing that you cannot carry everything.

" I'm hoping my DD won't turn out like her big sister because she comes from a more stable home (2 x loving parents that are in a happy and committed relationship) she is already the complete opposite of her big sister in every way. Also, I'm hoping that having given birth to my DD and raised her myself will help in how I cope with her as a teenager. DSD isn't "my" daughter."

Yet she is your daughter. You've been in her life since she was 6 and lived with her since 12. Why do you make this a step daughter thing? She's in your house and you're one of two main carers. Yet you act like she's a visitor. And where is DH in all this?

I just want to give your step daughter a cuddle and set some decent boundaries and rules.

As you've heard lots teenagers are a nightmare. Just look around MN at struggles so many mums have, no money, housing issues, kids with special needs or disabilities where they're exhausted.

And you think it's ok to treat your SD and talk about her in way you do? Why wasnt your question, what advice can anyone give me for an unruly/obnoxious teen that's driving me mad?

And as for the above statement? If ever it came over what you think of your DD and Sd that says it all. I was from single parent family and was ok teenager. Some of my friends from 'loving stable family homes' def not. Drink drugs and nightmare for families.
But your daughter will be fine because she has two loving parents?

Maybe that's what your SD needs. Two loving parents. That means you.

She needs to shape up clearly. But by god you need to do it more.

I still think nothing will work if all the problems you mentioned OP in your original post are just swept under the carpet again, including her Mum - who she lived with full time until she was 12.

12 years of one parent. And then nothing? Throwing a kid into another woman's family?

If this was working, the OP would not be reporting 'unbearable stress' and saying that the situation is unmanageable. She would not be saying that her DSD refuses her help, ignores her parenting. She also said that most of the time she makes her young daughter cry.

This is not a step parenting relationship that seems to be on track in any way.

I hope, and I wish that you did over exaggerate OP, that you were just venting and there really is some bedrock of a mutual relationship between you and DSD. Because it doesn't sound like it.

And no matter how many posters come on and say it should just be like parenting a daughter, forget the step bit, it is the crucial part of your problem here. You are heading into her adulthood, and need to be thinking about what the girl needs, not what she says she wants.

If you can really tackle this head on, DP can step up, and Mum can come into the picture in some way, then fine. But I think you've just repressed everything again because most posters have had a go at you.

If you can't effectively parent the girl and have a reasonable relationship, then you need to be saying that loud and clear to her actual parents. And of all the other posters on here, I am one of the few who have actually done this.