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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want Her To Move Out

274 replies

SickandTired01 · 25/11/2016 12:56

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

OP posts:
WLF46 · 25/11/2016 14:47

Unless she is violent to herself or others, you have to just accept that she is going through this phase in her life. It's not that unusual considering her age and what she has been through. Would you be thinking about kicking her out if she were your biological daughter? If no, you should put up with her, if yes, you should seek help.

You appear to dislike her and resent her presence - this attitude towards her might explain why she is having these "issues" now.

And perhaps she does have mental health issues! I know step-mothers are traditionally seen as wicked (in fairy-tales anyway), but what sort of heartless step-mother would kick out a vulnerable teenager because they had mental health problems? The fact that she didn't go to the doctor proves nothing; mental health problems affect people differently and in many cases prevent the sufferer from seeking or accepting help.

You do need to think about your biological daughter, and what message you are sending to her with your treatment of her "big sister".

WetsTheFinger · 25/11/2016 14:48

Poor child.

PlumsGalore · 25/11/2016 14:51

Teenagers aren't interested in much though, other than social media, their phones and their friends. They sit in their rooms all the time, they grunt answers, they answer back, they don't engage. You are so wrong if you feel a teenager should be pleased to go out for the day with parents and much younger sibling. No way!

Hey, on a plus side you haven't mentioned rolling in drunk, been suspended from school or smelling of fags or worse so I would say she almost falls into that "good for a teenager" category.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 25/11/2016 14:54

I think people are being a little unkind. The OP is doing pretty much all of the parenting here. And DSD is 16 - still very young but old enough to understand how to treat others with kindness and respect. She says she loves this girl, but is frustrated with her behaviour. I think she sounds as though she can deal with the situation but needs a space to vent.

liletsthepink · 25/11/2016 14:54

I agree with the pps who said you need to be clear about the behaviour you and your DH expect towards you and your YDD. You should also remain consistent with any consequences when your DSD misbehaves.

If having clear boundaries doesn't work and your DSD won't see a doctor for any MH issues I think you would be quite justified in asking her to stay with her mother for a while. Does she spend any time with her mother? I may be flamed for saying this, but a weekend without her would give you a very welcome break from her!

Original poster
SickandTired01 · 25/11/2016 14:54

Graphista I've never said or intimated that I "dislike" her. If you knew the things I've done for her (willingly, happily and because I lover her) over the years you wouldn't say that I don't like her. And it is possible to love someone but not like them all the time!

OP posts:
Original poster
SickandTired01 · 25/11/2016 14:56

Thank you Jingle. you've hit the nail on the head Star

OP posts:
Original poster
SickandTired01 · 25/11/2016 14:58

liletsthepink she makes plans with her mum but very rarely keeps them. She seems to agree to things to get her mum off her back, then cancels at the last minute, resulting in her mum texting my DH to complain that she's been blown off again. I can understand why she doesn't want to see her though, I really can.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 25/11/2016 14:59

Eh? You call her "a complete shit", want her to move out and compare her unfavourably to your child, and you claim not to dislike her?

Unlike you, she hasn't got the emotional maturity and freedom of an adult because she isn't one. You are. One key adult has already let her down as a child. She comes as part of your husband's package, so no, the fact she isn't biologically yours doesn't mean you can turf her out....though she's probably used to it.

123MothergotafleA · 25/11/2016 15:01

Have only read your opening statement.
By all means show her the door, you are not under any obligation to have to manage this ignorant cow.
She is 16, let her take responsibility for her actions.
I advise returning her to her own mother right away.
I hear this story regularly from work colleagues, where they are obliged to handle stroppy teenagers belonging to other people.
Looks like this modern way of life where people move in with new partners is having a destabilising effect on children.

Graphista · 25/11/2016 15:02

No you didn't say it like that but myself and others felt it from what you did say which after all is all we have to go on.

Graphista · 25/11/2016 15:03

123 I really hope that post is ironic/sarcastic.

ravenmum · 25/11/2016 15:04

The "nothing darling about her" comment (refusing to write "dsd") could be understood to mean that you dislike her - presumably you just meant that you are pissed off with her right now, but it's easy to misunderstand comments by people you don't know. And even being a biological parent doesn't stop you from disliking a child; it's not unimaginable.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2016 15:06

Honestly op you don't sound like you like and love her, you sound like you're rejecting her as she's not yours, you don't want the hassle and would much prefer it if it was just the three of you playing happy families.

It's fairly unpleasant reading.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 25/11/2016 15:06

I'm glad you recognize YABU. What you might consider is what message your relationship with DSD is sending to your DD..These girls are siblings, they will be siblings all their lives. Teaching your DD that if kids don't measure up they may be pushed out of the nest is a bad lesson.

I have been a SM for 20 years now. My DSD and I love each other so much. Your DSD will be your DSD even as an adult. It could be an adult relationship that brings you both joy. Otoh, if it goes bad it could be a sore spot always.

If you and DH do some heart searching and try to parent this poor girl with intelligence and love the rewards to all four of you will be immeasurable. I can promise you that love is never wasted.

harrietm87 · 25/11/2016 15:07

Hi OP. Your later comments in the thread have been quite different from your first post. You originally asked if you should ask her to move back to her mum's, then changed it to asking her to make up with her mum.

It sounds very challenging to deal with, but I think you're drawing too much of a distinction between your DD and SD. Your DD is easier to deal with atm because she's not a teen, not because she's your DD. being a teenager is tough even if you haven't had to deal with the things your SD has. You need to be confident in your ability to mother her - it doesn't matter that she isn't biologically yours - you can still support her and you should do your best to. You're the adult here.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 25/11/2016 15:09

You say you do love her, OP - none of your posts show the slightest suggestion that you do love her, though. In fact, you start off by announcing there is nothing 'darling' about her!

I feel incredibly sorry for her. I too am assuming that your own dd is very young - when she gets to 12 you will appreciate just how young that still really is. My eldest is 11, has infuriating behaviour down to a fine art, and the thought of throwing him out in just 6 months' time is just utterly beyond me. They still need love and security and comfort and care, you know. So it's been up to your dh and, yes, also you to provide as much security and love to her as you can. And from you she gets constant comparisons to her sister, wildly unrealistic behaviour expectations (honestly, what you are describing is really low-level teen stuff - infuriating, but low-level), and implicit disbelieving sneering at her MH issues. She'll know her sister is loved and adored and she isn't - something which, tbh, you sound almost smug about, as if you take some kind of satisfaction in thinking how your dd won't go through what your dsd has (the bit about her coming from a more stable home etc). The poor, poor girl, nobody can be at their best living like this.

I also feel I want to point out that you are expecting her to behave perfectly - or rather using her imperfect behaviour as an excuse to condemn her - but you get to be 'sick of it' and negative to/about her. You're coming across terribly badly here.

Original poster
SickandTired01 · 25/11/2016 15:12

Raven the "nothing darling about her" was an 'at the moment' comment. She can be lovely, and sometimes we get on amazingly, but those times are getting more and more scarce and I'm finding it difficult knowing how to deal with it all.

I am slightly concerned by all the pp's saying I clearly don't like her. So what, I'm just supposed to take every nasty comment/snide remark with a smile and profess to be her biggest fan regardless of how she makes me feel? Are you joking? Like you've never disliked your own child, even for a moment, when they've been a shit or done something bad? Wow, you're all going to be nominated for Parent of the Year at this rate...

I'll get my coat Sad

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 25/11/2016 15:19

Weirdly, I was talking to my mum about Mumsnet an hour ago. I was telling her it's a place where you can rant about your frustrations with your children, without feeling judged.

Was I wrong?

ohtheholidays · 25/11/2016 15:22

You don't see the connection OP do you?

The past 2 years and your DD is 4,so this all started when your DD was 2,that's the age a child can be really challenging,toddler tantrums,wanting all the attention,shouting/screeching alot.

Your DD is going to have taken alot of attention from you and your DH as she should but I don't know how you can't both see how that might have a negative affect on your SD behaviour.

She's been through alot allready bless her,her Mum and Dad have split up,her Dad's re-married,her Mum's kicked her out and now her Dad has had another child and that child is another Daughter,if your SD was your DH's only child then him having another child and especially another girl is going to have hit her hard bless her.

ravenmum · 25/11/2016 15:22

it's a place where you can rant about your frustrations with your children, without feeling judged
Definitely wrong :)
This isn't the rant section, anyway, this is the section where you deliberately ask for judgement!

DisneyMillie · 25/11/2016 15:23

I'm not a step parent but my DH is to my eldest. If he ever suggested shipping her off to her dads because she was a (pretty normal) stroppy teen I wouldn't want to know him anymore let alone agree with him.

Take on a person with a child - that child is then your child too in my opinion and you can't send them away just because it's not a Disney dream.

ChanglingNight · 25/11/2016 15:26

Sick you call her a horrible little shit, a plain horrible girl, say there's nothing darling about her and say if you listed all the bad things she has done you'd be here all day. Hmm wounder why people think you don't like her? & if it's glaringly obvious to posters here then she will most definately have picked up on it also.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 25/11/2016 15:26

raven Grin. Guide me to the rant section - I feel one coming on!

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/11/2016 15:27

We are reading everything you say, OP, and there's absolutely nothing to suggest you like her on any level, quite the opposite. It's nothing to do with us all being perfect parents. We're not asking the question.

It's clear from your language and tone that you dislike her, don't consider her part of the package of your family and you're asking us if it's unreasonable to chuck her out, which has happened to her before. A lot of us think that yes, it is. If you didn't want the answer, why did you ask?