To Want Her To Move Out

[SickandTired01]

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

Poor kid what a shit bunch of adults she has to "parent" her. You should all be ashamed.

carry I felt I had to write after your wonderful post. I was that disengaged teen in the bottom sets at school. I was the girl who was a bit slow, had dyslexia and dyscalculia. I was that girl who scraped 4 GCSEs A-C at school. I now have a BA Hons. Psychology 2:1, an Msc and hoping to do my PhD in Clinical Psychology. I went to college after school and did a GNVQ advanced Health and social care, something in my head clicked and I worked and worked. My Tutor was so supportive and suggested I apply to Uni which I did, and got a place. I also had MH problems too. But I did ok.

That girl is still very young, she has MH issues as well as going through the struggle of being a teen. She needs uncondional love and support. She probably feels rejected and unwanted and is acting up. Her dad and you too, as your a partnership, need to do that for her, not kick her out where she might be rejected yet again by her mother. Book another CAHMS appointment and you and her dad make sure she gets there.

KayTee I'm hoping my DD won't turn out like her big sister because she comes from a more stable home (2 x loving parents that are in a happy and committed relationship) she is already the complete opposite of her big sister in every way

You have a stunning lack of awareness to be able to write that sentence and not realise what the problem is.

I have not rtft but from what I have read I feel very sorry for your step daughter.

Oh and whilst your bereavement must have been devastating I think the hurt of being kicked out by a living parent would be worse to come to terms with.

Tbh I was feeling a bit sorry for you, OP, when I read the early comments and I wanted to help. Now it seems that you reckon you have parenting sussed because you primary aged child is well behaved. Good luck on that!

Any person who would kick out a 16 year old for being disrespectful is a total wanker IMO.

What Amelia said.

YABVVU, OP.

OP, if you did send SD back to her mum's how do you think your SD might interpret this and how do you think it will help her?
I have to say that from your description of SDs behaviour she sounds like your regular revolting teenager. You do look at them.and think what the hell did I (or in your case DH) unleash on the world?

OP you are in a VERY difficult situation that is equally unfair. You are the step parent, but essentially raising her alone when she has two living parents. You didn't ask for this and it sounds like you've tried your best but are at wits end and feel boxed in.

Getting her back to her maternal mother's is one option, but the result of that is likely to be awful for dsd.

The maternal grandmother doesn't sound like what she wants or she'd have gone there before now. And if she went there, it would also be devastating because she would know that her father didn't want her either - or not enough.

The best option for her is to stay with you. But you need help. You need support. Does your DH ever go and do something with her alone? Cinema etc? Anything? She needs her father and you need him to take on his share. If he's on permanent nights then there must be some time towards the end of the day that he could be free to do something with her?

And what about getting some help emotionally for yourself? Maybe a referral for counselling (wouldn't get sessions overnight) could help you.

Your step daughter has been so brave to go for counselling. She must be hurting immensely to have done that. Please value that.

And all her acting out behaviour is, as someone above mentioned and you agreed with, toddler-ish. And it's for similar reasons: boundary pushing. But with the added aspect that I think she's testing how much she's wanted. She doesn't believe she's wanted (her mother pushed her away just as she was transitioning from girl to teenager) and is trying to "prove" that she's not wanted by getting you to do it too. When people say meet her with love, this is why. She's deeply hurting. You have the opportunity to help her, but you need help in that, or making that pain even worse.

The issue is not bad behaviour! If you look to deal with that alone, you're doing her no favours.

OP, I think you need to take a step back. Take the pressure off.
Firstly, it is terribly hurtful to be rejected by your own mum. You have to tell your DSD you are completely on her side with regards to her own mum. Stop talking to her mum about her and tell SD it is her choice to ses or forgive her mum, whatever she chooses you are on her side and fully support her.
Secondly, for the chores, her dad needs to step in and set up chores for SD to help out. It needs to come from him and get into the family routine.
It sounds like you are trying very hard but I think the best way to go about it is to give SD emotional support (re. I am fully behind you/have got your back) abd give her space (it's OK if you want to spend lots of time in your room/safe place and not socialise).
She sounds like she is under a lot of stress from her mother. Her mother needs to understand that the best thing she can do is apologise and give her DD space and time to heal (I am guessing the unconditional live is not on the cards).

I'm really sorry you're suffering however this is your husband's dsughter!!
You never know if your 'own' daughter may rebel or experience mental health issues. I feel so sorry for this poor child as you clearly don't want her 'ruining' your 'perfect' family.
With regards to MH, one of the key issues is that your self esteem plummets so you don't think you're worthy of treatment so often fail to go.
I'm so angry on a number of levels.

My DD will be respectful and courteous and grateful because that's how I am bringing her up. (You may think me naïve, but that's how I was raised and I turned out alright!)

Your DD is growing up in this situation and as she gets older she may have a perspective on the model of parenthood that you are demonstrating towards her step sister. You may actually find that that her behaviour in a few years time is massively influenced by the negative environment she is growing up in and by what she is seeing and experiencing currently.

Could her dad go with her to CAMHS and also speak to her GP about her MH. Maybe the three of you could sit down and talk about her behaviour and re set some boundaries. Make it clear she will always have a home with you but does need to cooperate. She does sound like a typical teenager and you are obviously doing your best, keep encouraging her to re-engage with her mum but ultimately I think the CAMHS involvement is key here in helping to sort out the real issues so your DSD can see her way through her problems. Good luck, your obviously at the end of your tether but you are doing all the right things.

I feel pretty sorry for the op's 'own' dd also. Her big sis will likely allways hold some resentment towards her for how her mother treats her & may never want to forge a bond with her. And the little girl will learn that her mother's love, and a place in their home, is very conditional, and conditional parenting leads to a whole host of problems with self esteem and interpersonal relationships in adulthood, including mh problems.

This really struck a chord with me....I lived with my mother and stepfather and suffered rejection and emotional abuse from my biological father.

As a teenager I was EXACTLY how you describe your DSD. My parents, who had been well behaved teenagers, turned this into me being the black sheep of the family. I was a 'tearaway', I was trouble, a burden, 'difficult', etc.

They made comparisons to my stepbrother who didn't have mood swings or do any typical 'teenage stuff'.

This made things so much worse as I felt misunderstood, unloved, rejected (again) and angry. Angry because I was only doing normal teenage things and they were talking about sending me away to boarding school or to live with my grandparents. I can't tell you how hurtful that is.

Little did they know that I was so terribly unhappy that I was planning to commit suicide. They had no idea. And while I was planning how I might do it they only focused on how to solve their 'problem'.

It has actually impacted my whole life, my self esteem and my mental health. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder which explains the depression.

My DM and DSF are not horrible people. My SF just took the exact same view you are taking of your DSD and this was the consequence.

Please try to change your mindset...your SD is still a child, a child that feels unloved and rejected. She will be looking at your own daughter who has been raised in a stable family home and it will be making her feel second best and rejected by her own father who has spent more time/focus on your daughter than her.

She will look to you for love...so please change your mindset about 'looking after a child belonging to someone else'. When you choose to marry someone with a child, that child DOES belong to you. They will look to you to be their parent including the unconditional love...whether you like it or not this is what you committed to when you married someone with a child.

I know you say that you never speak to her in a way that shows you dislike her/think she's a problem, that you don't compare her to your own child out loud or talk to her about moving out but she will understand all of this.

Your actions, looks, attitude will tell her what you've said in these posts. Imagine what that's doing to her.

People used to make a point of telling me how well mannered and well behaved my children were. They were perfect.i could go long haul flights knowing they would behave. They were kind and caring. I thought I'd done not too bad as a parent.

Yet I could have written your post. Dd2 was a demon teen. She also had some MH issues withCAHMS involvement.There were times when I did wish she could be magicked out of our lives. I loved her, but really didn't like her and our home life was very disrupted for a time. By 18 she was more or less back to the lovely individual she had been before.

I sometimes wonder if some of the 'step' issues are because this is the SP's first exposure to teenage years. It passes.

12 is incredibly incredibly young to be rejected by your mum just for being herself; that must have been totally crushing.
Your DSD needs someone on her side and it looks like it's you. You really do need to step up and just accept her for who she is and support her in little ways. I didn't spend any time with my parents at age 16; it was all about friends or in my room; that's normal. I would stop even trying to get her to see her mum; it's totally up to her if she wants to see her or not.

Does your DH do any parenting, with either of his daughters? It sounds like it has all been put onto you, and that misplaced resentment is being taken out on your DSD.
And just to echo what others have said, you have no idea of how your DD will be in the future, please try and stop being so judgemental.

OP, did you lose a parent when you were 11? This will have had a big impact on you obviously and may , understandably, make DSD's issues seem trivial to you, when actually they're not, rejection by your mum is massively impactful.

Oh...and for what it's worth the obedient, polite one of us who didn't have mood swings went on to have 30+ jobs by the time he was 35, married a horrible person, had an affair, a divorce and is now shacked up with the OW who is not much better, long periods of unemployment where our parents have had to bail him out.

The 'troubled and difficult' child (I.e me) went to uni, got a six figure career, is settled down, practically teetotal, etc.

Just goes to show that it's a bit early to label your daughter and stepdaughter!

I do find it amazing that the daughters own mother rejected her, created this awful situation, and yet the step mother here is given total responsibility for it. The mother is not even being expected to take up responsibility again for her daughter in any meaningful way, including living back with her. I do feel sorry for the poor girl.

The mother should be reaching out and offering her unconditional love and acceptance including living back with her.

I am surprised that posters didn't trot out the line 'she decided to give birth to her, she should have no choice but to parent her'... oh sorry, that's just for step parents!

The mother let her down and threw her out. The mother trying to get involved in her appointment led to her missing it.
The mother wants her back and is pressing for it - but the dsd does not want to go.
The answer to their broken relationship is not to force her back to her mother, who rejected her and seems much of the issue, but to give her a safe home where she can get help.

And dear old dad has as much responsibility for his daughter as her mother.

Bananas - two wrongs don't make a right. The girl's mum has treated her terribly, for whatever reason. The OP is the step mum and the situation is as it is now. The OP can't control what the mum did or does, but she can change her own behaviour and attitude to DSD. Personally I think the father needs to be more present in his families life too. It can't all be on the OP.

StumblyMonkey - flipping well done. You did good, just had to say that.

OP: this is the poster you should be hearing the loudest.

Indeed although I fear the poster whose voice will resonate the loudest is Banana's.

The step daughter didn't choose to be rejected by her birth mother, she didn't choose her step mother , her step mother did however choose to marry her father knowing this girl was part of the package.

It seems awfully unfair that this troubled child's bad behaviours are affecting you the most and her biological parents are off in the background somewhere.

Your dh needs to be so much more involved. Even a radical step like changing his job could be looked at. How does permanent nights fit into family life? You've hardly mentioned him in the whole of this thread.

I hope you have gained some help from the more kindly posters here, especially Cary.

I don't get it? You say you are dubious about her mh issues and she uses them as an excuse for her behaviour, and then you say she has had them for over 10 years.

You claim she needs to go as you cant handle it anymore, then you claim you think it would be best for her to go back to her mum. Then later you say you understand why she wouldnt want to see her mum.

You offer to take her out but she refuses and rolls her eyes, but then again you dont offer to take her out as you cant afford it.

You seem to constantly contradict yourself and this story changes to suit whatever point you want to make.

You come across as very selfish and the only time you ever seem to show concern for this girl is when you want to be seen as a caring person