To Want Her To Move Out

[SickandTired01]

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

Sick your own teenagers are 100 times harder to reach out to than other people's! They know how to press your buttons like no one else can & seeing your own ansy awkward teenage traits in your own kids is so so hard, other people's are a doddle in comparrison.

Agree with pp who said the poor kid must feel unwanted in both homes, that's painful. Support her accessing camhs & any other help. Is she in school/college? Do they have help you can all access? Where's her dad in all this? What's his opinion? Buy a copy of how to talk so teens will listen and work to repair this. If you push for her to move out she will hate you for good.

You do sound quite U, OP. My DD1 was like your DD a couple of years ago - MH issues, poor behaviour, withdrawn, anxious, very unhappy. Biological child of two committed married parents too... She's now very much better and much more mature at almost 16 but it has taken time, hard work and an enormous amount of patience. Ask yourself what you would do if your currently lovely DD ends up being a similar teen at 16? You won't be able to run away then, and it really can happen even in a 'lovely normal family'

My DS is a pain in the back side at the moment (15) and I have had moments of locking myself in the bathroom for a good cry. I have entertained the thought of boarding school a few times so yes, it is normal to "dream" about a quiet time while they are going through this difficult time.

I am not sending him anywhere though because I know it is my responsibility to support him through this time.

Besides, talking back, staying in your room all day, not interacting with the family, and generally acting like crap is what 90% of teenagers do. If op was talking about her SD being violent, using drugs or anything on these lines I am sure she'd have had different answers.

OP get your DH to parent his daughter and distance yourself. It isn't your responsibility to parent her and if you can't be there for her better to separate yourself from the situation. You'll feel relieved.

It WILL get better. As hard as it is, being a parent to a teen is a lot about forgiving them for the hurtful things they say and do. If you can show her love and understanding right now I guarantee you'll reap the rewards when she comes out the other side and you have a loving grown up 'daughter'. I'm not saying don't discipline her, but don't ever give up on her, you'll have to dig very deep to do so. I hope your younger dd is an easier teen but chances her you'll go through similar with her. Good luck op x

I'm glad you're going to work together with your DP to support her. I really think that's the right choice.

That I have been a kinship carer for dn & a foster carer, all before I had my own children.

Maybe you are being the judgemental twat assuming no one is talking from experience

OP, she needs your love and support more now than ever. Her own mother rejected her when she was 12, and it is possible that she will never get over that. The last thing she needs is to think that you don't really want her either.

Just to clarify, though not sure why it matters, my DD is 4. And I'm not suggesting for one minute that DSD spend all her time (or even any time) with her sister, but she is downright mean to DD and 9 times out of 10 makes her cry. She could at least be nice to her. It wouldn't kill her.

I agree that DSD probably is just a normal moody teen most of the time but there have been occasions where she's been a 'tearaway' (disappearing into the city on a Sunday and not making it home on the last train so I had to get my brother to go and pick her up at midnight... which she never thanked either of us for btw). I can't recount every "bad" thing she's done or I'd be here all day.

Basically I think I'm struggling to strike a balance on discipline/home life/chores/whatever BECAUSE she isn't my biological daughter, and it's difficult to know how to handle situations when the child doesn't want your help. I would have happily gone to the appointment today (or any other day) but she doesn't want me there and I also work full time and would struggle to get time off. I think her mum insisting she went with her today may be the reason she blew the appointment off.

Thank you to those who can see it from my POV and who sympathise.

And yes, I do most of the parenting because DH works permanent nights and so isn't there when the parenting needs to be done (because he's asleep or at work!)

I also think I expect her to be too much like me, in that I would never have acted/spoken to my mum the way she does with me and DH and her own mum.

You'd be sending a message to both your DSDD and your DD, that their home and your love are conditional on certain standards of behaviour. I imagine that would have a negative impact on both of them. Don't underestimate the fact that the way you treat your SDD will inform how your DD views your family too.

KayTee I'm hoping my DD won't turn out like her big sister because she comes from a more stable home (2 x loving parents that are in a happy and committed relationship) she is already the complete opposite of her big sister in every way.

I sympathised with you till I read this. This is unfair towards her. You are basically judging and condemning her as someone coming from a broken home hence problematic while your own child will always be an angel because she has a stable loving home. Well, there are plenty problematic teenagers coming from very stable backgrounds. A stable and loving home is no guarantee for what will become of a child in their teenage years.
She behaves like a typical teenager, I remember myself when I was that age and eye-rolling was almost my second job.
It feels like you are treating her as a second-class child in your home and she feels it.

Yeah kick her out. That's just what a teenager with mental health issues need. A s done dose of parental rejection.

Fuck sake why can her mother and her father not step up and HELP her.

What does your dh / dp think about all this? What is his relationship like with her?

How does your stepdaughter spend her time? Is she still at school? (Sorry if you said already).
What are her interests?

What does she enjoy?
Does she have friends?

I think this could easily become a vicious circle (if it isn't already) - she is moody / negative, and so you get fed up which leads to her feeling rejected / unlovable. Could be especially difficult for her if your dd is the 'golden child' who is adored and can do no wrong.

Do you ever do anything just the two of you for fun? Is there a hobby or interest the two of you can share? I'm thinking of something that shows her you care for her, enjoy her company, accept her. Could be something as simple as cooking together.

Sounds like typical teenage behaviour, but poor thing sounds absolutely lost. Her attitude alienates her from those who could offer her love and support. It also sounds as if she simply doesn't know how to behave, and be part of a loving family.

another dose

YABU - you want to kick out a 16 year old, with mental health problems - and send back to her mum's, who kicked her out when she was 12.

Course she's grumpy and unpleasant, I imagine all 16 year olds with that to deal with would

Hahaha Squinkies! That's an accurate description!

What Squinkie said.
This too will pass.

I hate in when people pile in saying "typical teenager".

I wouldn't worry about your own daughter-worry about your step daughter!

Her mum kicked her out at 12-there's no wonder that she won't go back-even if she wanted to!

Where's her dad in all of this?

Did he offer to go to the appointment with her?

I cannot believe some of you think this is normal teenage behaviour

I can only assume you have been very lucky with your teenagers or haven't had any yet.

So, you have had your step daughter for four years and this pretty much started about two years ago, so she was fine for two years? then it started to change when she was 14 right? So pretty much started with the teens and is ongoing.

Had two teens here, one great, easy ride, one definitely not .... had I had DC number 2 first I would have thought this unreasonable behaviour for a teen. As it happens, I didn't, and I don't read anything on here as beign grounds to ship the inconvenience off back to her mothers and let her feel rejected twice.

Op, is your daughter uour first, because I think uouve got a rose tinted view of this and you're going to be in for a horrible shock when the teenage years hit.

SickandTired

I have had a similar family situation with elder son ( mine from a previous relationship but I met my DH when son was 3 and no contact with his biological dad) and younger son with a big age gap of 10 years.
We asked our eldest to leave home at 17 1/2 because of his extreme behaviour, way way worse than you describe, we tried for years since he was about 14 to manage his behaviour, get him help, we went to family counselling, support groups until we were almost broken with the effort, but in the end it was affecting his half brother (aged 7) and us to such an extent we felt we had no choice. He didn't improve even after he left home, so things don't always improve as PP's have said, and it was about 7 years later before we had a decent relationship with him, although we had been supporting him financially all the time.
To be honest I wouldn't say things sound that bad with your SD but the only way I could deal with the guilt of asking my son to leave was the knowledge that I had done everything I possibly could and it still hadn't helped. Are you and your DP at that stage yet? If not then you need to battle on. Good luck.

Poor, poor child. She is basically an abuse victim.
It's a shame responsibility has fallen into you, but someone needs to get this child proper medical care.

Sorry but yes yabu.

She isn't being that bad, as several pps have said. What were YOU like at this age? (Be honest with yourself if not us, ask your mother).

I feel incredibly sad for her, she seems to have been all but abandoned by the adults in her life who should be supporting her, and while I'd place you somewhere from 3rd to 7th on that list you are on that list.

She had to seek out support from professionals herself, missing appointments like this is not uncommon for adults let alone a child, the prospect of opening up, facing your demons is scary. This kid must be wondering if she's just unlovable. Did ANYONE even offer to go with her?

You said there's nothing 'darling' about her, clearly don't like her then later claim you 'love' her - sorry not buying it.

Also you (and your dh he doesn't seem to figure much in this) seem to be all stick no carrot, she needs a REASON to behave better (it doesn't have to be a financial incentive - more freedom, getting to be in charge of the remote for the evening, getting let off a different chore or getting a day off if she does them the rest of the time). Would you behave as society wants if there was nothing in it for you? If the only incentive was NOT being punished? How do you teach your biological daughter to behave? Do you only use consequences no positive reinforcement? I doubt it.

It IS hard dealing with teens I'm doing it myself at the moment with my own daughter, I've seen friends doing the step mum thing and my daughter has a step mum - who frankly I have more time for than her bloody father! So no you shouldn't be dealing with this alone but please consider how you would want your daughter treated in the same situation.

Also no offence but your daughter isn't a teen yet you have NO idea what she's going to be like, because 'difficult' kids come from all kinds of backgrounds including 'traditional nuclear families'. Remember how we all thought we 'knew it all' about babies and toddlers before actually having one? Same applies to teens.

Not true Clandestino, I don't "judge" her because she comes from a broken home, I "judge" her because of how she uses it as an excuse to be a complete shit. And if my DD does turn out the same way, I will hopefully be better equipped to handle her because she is MY DD.

She isn't really interested in much, so I find it difficult to connect or engage with her. I will keep trying though. I'm not talking about giving up on her and kicking her out and never seeing her again, I'm simply wondering if she would be better off with her mum as her mum "knows her best" and how to handle her (for want of a better expression)

Her mum has said this to me many many times

I wish I could be sympathetic and supportive but the truth is you sound like the sort of person who gives step-parents a bad name. Stop being so selfish. Stop being so blatantly discriminatory between your SD and your DD. She is a child, she needs love and support and yes sometimes with kids it can be a challenge but they are not some goldfish you won at a fair that can be just flushed down the loo when you can no longer be arsed with them. If you can't treat her as you would if she were your biological child you shouldn't have got into the relationship to begin with. You did though, so for her sake be a caring mum for the poor girl.