To want to be a SAHM?

[mostlyrain]

We have 2 DCs who are 15mo and 3yo. I recently went back to my PT job and basically dont want to do the slog anymore. The constant battle to get the kids to nursery, the commute to work, a job that I'm bored in, the battle with overtired kids each night and the constant trying to squeeze all the house jobs in too. My eldest goes to school next September and I just feel now is the time to give up. But AIBU to give up work now? I don't know if I'll regret it in 6 months time...

Why do you feel privileged that you were able to give up work? Financially I could have given up work but why should I - I worked hard at Uni and during my career, why would I want to give this up? I (and my DH) have 19 year old DT's - they are happy and healthy with good memories of their childhood with two parents, both with demanding careers.

I loathe the domestic drudgery of days at home and genuinely don't understand why anyone would want to do that day in day out. But to each their own - I think I'm a better mum for not having to deal with the kids 24/7. Which I doubt says more about me than the debate in general!

What role wrt childcare and household management, does your dh take? Do you have to do all the running around with the children to nursery, etc?

Slightly different, in that my eldest was diagnosed ASD at 3, and my autoimmune disease started to flare for longer periods, so for the forseeable future I'm a SAHM.

My eldest is now at school, but is home off the school bus by 3. My youngest is two, so aside from a bit of preschool, he's home with me, so we visit friends a great deal (chockablock with SAHP around here), the library, gymnastics classes, playground etc.

I'm never home between the hours of 9-2, and am lucky in that we can afford a cleaner, and have a meal delivery service for my husband and I, so beyond kid cooking and an hour of cleaning in the evening, my focus is on the younger guy in the am, and afterschool activities/play dates/brothers playing in the garden in the pm.

I do want to start my own business and return to work, and realize that I'm incredibly lucky to be in this situation which allows me to honour my current needs with planning for future endeavours.

I probably would not be a SAHP if my health wasn't an issue, though I would almost certainly want to work part-time.

parker I feel privileged that I had the choice. Many don't

Of course it's having choice which is the privilege. The choices people then make will of course be varied because thankfully most people don't have a 'one size fits all' approach to life.

However while threads such as this are littered with comments like 'I hated my job', 'it was soul destroying' , 'I stayed home because dh earns multiples of my salary', 'dh has a high powered job and can't possibly share parental leave' .... there's not a great deal of choice going on there.

Stopgap - may I ask what a meal delivery service is? I'm assuming it's not Domino pizza!?

I went backs to work 21 hrs pwk whem.my DTs were 9 months. We were lucky as grandparents sat 2 days, childminder 1.

I was made redundant when they were just about to start schoool and I started wfh just doing a bit of freelance. I found wfh was a little isolating. Mainly though I struggled with wfh (seeing dishes and beds needed doing - like you DH not there much and assumes I'm the skivvy but more fool me for standing it) and then ended up working of an evening. However my stress levels were lower than now that I'm working 32 ish hrs owk.

I went back to work outside the home when they were about 7. They are 10 now and I have always done pickups and dropoffs and most of housework as DH is out 7 to 7.

I am still frazzled even though they are 10. I really resent DH for just leaving me with with ethg and i believe the responsibility for ethg is what's caused my mental health issues. I consider giving up work but why should I? My job is demanding but I like it.

The issue is my DH leaving me to manage two jobs effectively.

My advice (how I wish I could take it) is to get DH to pull his weight, to hire in help. My kids are not toddlers but the relentless drudge of chores and burden of being responsible for everything still has really impacted on my MH and the resentment I feel eats away at me. But my job is my independence. It's me. No matter how hard it is I know the issue is equality (or lack of it).

Go for it, they are only little for a short time.
I'd love to work in my chosen career but I also love to take care of my little ones. I will go back to work once they are both at school.
The whole women need to be in the workplace thing is another stick to beat us with! Do what is best for you and your children :)

Yes I also never understand women who tolerate men who don't do as much as they do at home. Why do they accept that a man might start to work away or be away Monday - Friday (which usually means they commit adultery never mind not pulling their weight at home)? When you earn a lot more than your husband as many of us do then you don't tend to find that you end up doing all the domestic drudgery. We did things equally. Even in the 60s my father was vacuuming the house every weekend, emptying the sanitory towel bin even, also home every lunch time all his life (and we came home for lunch from school until I was 10) and then he made sure he was back every night do bed time stories and songs with us all too - one parent did my sister and me and the other my brother (different bed room). What is so pathetic about men in 2016 that they cannot be involved fathers and instead we have these new extremes of men working all the hours (in many cases just avoiding domestic stuff because they have enough power to do that) and women saddled with all the rest? I would not tolerate sexism even for one day.

Agree enormoustiger. Your father sounds quite forward thinking for the 1960s... my own parents had quite polarised roles, my mum didn't work until we were in secondary school and even then it was low paid school hours stuff, and my dad didn't do housework (though did read to us etc) My mum didn't have much choice though as societal expectations back then were that women stopped working when they had children and there was no regulated childcare anyway.

Dh and I have always tried hard to share things as equally as possible; things had moved on significantly by the time we had kids (though even so it was difficult because paternity leave didn't exist) Childcare wasn't as readily available but even so I was determined to hang onto my career and I always say having children was my best decision ever, and keeping my career going was the second best.

I do find it depressing though that some women still tolerate a fundamental lack of equality

YANBU! It is a perfectly valid choice.
I think I would love it (if DH didn't work from home)
But I think much depends on your OH's attitude towards family money if he is the sole breadwinner as to whether there is a downside.

"Why do they accept that a man might start to work away or be away Monday - Friday (which usually means they commit adultery never mind not pulling their weight at home)?"

EnormousTiger - a somewhat spurious leap that men who work away Monday to Friday will invariably commit adultery.

We need to remember that being a SAHM is rarely a permanent state of affairs. Most women who take a break from work end up returning. Personally I have experienced working full time, working part time, and SAH since my first child was born. Each of these felt like the right choice for our circumstances at the time. I am currently working part time after 18 months SAH. I am in a great role that I feel I would never have found if I hadn't had the courage to take the leap of leaving my old company when I did. I enjoyed my time at home and feel it was hugely beneficial for all of us at the time. It seems a shame to me that when someone is in a position where they want to take a break from work, and can afford it financially they may be put off by hearing how their husband will leave them / they'll never be able to return. If you are looking for role models amongst your friends and acquaintances, try to look for women who are 10 years further down the road from you rather than those peers who are currently struggling with the same dilemma. I know plenty of women older than me who have given up work and later returned successfully - they don't seem to have any regrets. 5 years ago I was definitely in the 'can't wait to go back to work to escape maternity leave hell' camp and never would have expected to find myself as a SAHM, yet it later became the right course for me. I'd advise those with babies who haven't yet experienced juggling childcare for school aged children to keep an open mind about the future. Good luck with your decision OP.

pink it's great that you and your peers have slotted back into senior roles after extended career breaks, but of course this is not the trend generally.

All the evidence shows a paucity of women in senior roles and those that are there have rarely taken extended breaks ( for children or other reasons).

This is the case for many industries. Particularly those requiring high levels of education and qualification.

GetAHaircutCarl yes but what are these women doing. They may not be in the senior roles, but they may be off doing something far more interesting.

It is tragic that the business world is set up in such a way to favour men, but I see a lot of women choosing not to engage with corporate structure, instead finding their own innovative path.
Of my own closest friends most of whom have kids and been SAHM for a number of years, every one of them has set up their own small business.or working independently. They may not be visible in the workplace but does not mean they are sidelined.

mind the facts are that most women who take extended career breaks cannot return to their previous level.

Of course some of those women will then go on to forge different careers. I did.

However, that is not the general trend. Facts are facts. Most women who take career breaks end up in positions at a lower level with their pension pots at a similar level.

Many remain financially dependent on their partners indefinitely.

In terms of setting up businesses, yes, there are a few highly successful female entrepreneurs. But let's not pretend that this is a trend. Most small businesses fail. Some are bank rolled by wealthy partners. A tiny amount pay the owner enough to sustain financial independence let alone support a family.

Now there is nothing inherently wrong with being financially dependent on ones partner. I could do it if I wanted to. Certainly DH earns enough and he wouldn't give two hoots if I did nothing but go shopping and eat biscuits.

If this set up works for a couple then that's cool. But let's tell it like it is.

Middleoftheroad - why do you feel that you need your husband to hire help?
if you can find the money hire the help yourself.

Not sure if this has come up yet but 50% of marriages end in divorce and there have been plenty of posters who have not worked, relied on their husband and been left in a really sticky situation.

Are there plenty of posters? Anyone willing to share?

mind go to the relationships section. There are far too many stories of women left in precarious situations.

Now personally I wouldn't make a decision based on the risk of my marriage failing. But then I've been with DH a looooong time and he has shown no signs of giving me the boot this far .

Other women may feel that this is a risk they don't want to take. Which is perfectly understandable and probably sensible given the stats.

Another risk factor in putting all the financial eggs in one basket is sustainability of the egg layer. In today's economic climate can one person be certain that they will be able to earn at the same level indefinitely?

That would depend on industry, age, motivation and to some extent luck of the draw.

My DH is going to sack someone this morning. Because he has kids and a wife who doesn't work the firm have hung on as long as they can but business is business ...

Read the relationships section. Countless women trapped and powerless because they earn so little compared to their partner, and do the lions share of the childcare.

Yes, read the relationships sections. You even have women on here who have no idea that if they are not married and just living together their legal rights are utterly different. Others don't even know what pensions and investments and salaries the family has (and that can apply whether whether work or not).

Most women who leave careers (rather than minimum wage jobs) find it very hard indeed to go back after a few years out at senior level. That's the reality. That may be fine if you are married to Mr very fit money bags who would never leave you and you have lots of insurance and a will and are married to him. Ditto when the sexes are reversed.

getahaircutcarl has it.

Tbf am not sure that anyone could take a career break of several years, then go back in a senior role. Part time or full time. There are junior staff progressing all the time with up to date skills and knowledge. I know who I would choose to employ.

Josephine I use a Paleo meal delivery service that was set up by a woman who'd been a SAHP for a long time--and she's having great success doing it :)

Off thread, but Blue Apron is a popular meal delivery service in the US that's nationwide. Does the U.K. have anything similar?

Maybe it's too head in the sand for some people, but I can't imagine basing my choices on the what ifs. So what if my husband leaves when I'm a SAHP. I'll be poor? Maybe. But I've been poor and happy and know that it's not the end of the world. Financially speaking, I wouldn't walk away from the marriage empty handed. The naysayers would say no way, you're deluded, but I know it wouldn't be so. Of course I'd lose my best friend and lover, which would be absolutely devastating, but I was raised to pick yourself up after a calamity and get on with things, which is exactly what I've done throughout life--never more so than post-diagnosis with a chronic illness, and post my son's ASD diagnosis. I refuse to base my life decisions on paranoia.

stopgap everyone needs to make their own choices based on their own feelings and their specific circumstances.

Buts saying you can't even imagine why someone else would feel differently (given all the evidence) is a bit .