To want to be a SAHM?

[mostlyrain]

We have 2 DCs who are 15mo and 3yo. I recently went back to my PT job and basically dont want to do the slog anymore. The constant battle to get the kids to nursery, the commute to work, a job that I'm bored in, the battle with overtired kids each night and the constant trying to squeeze all the house jobs in too. My eldest goes to school next September and I just feel now is the time to give up. But AIBU to give up work now? I don't know if I'll regret it in 6 months time...

I think there are a few other drivers worth mentioning. I've been in my role 10 years. I've completely out grown it but I have stayed as it's a very niche job and had good maternity benefits. Now that I'm passed that the role along with the struggle of balancing work and life with small children doesn't feel worth it. There's no promotion opportunity and relocation is the only other option if I stayed in the industry. But I don't. I have always hoped to retrain but never found the right moment. So long term career prospects are minimal in current industry but I can transfer across to something else but I know how hard good part time roles are to come by and I'm definitely not in a position to work full time. I have had a tough year with pnd and a family trauma. Were getting through both of those but it has given some perspective on life and I think I'm less tolerant to just 'getting through'. My Mum worked and stayed at home when I was younger. I actually resented her for working and not being there! Equally I want to set a good example for my children but also want them to aspire and not just do what is expected of them. I feel there is an expectation for me to hold down a career, give my young family a fufilled life, be true to myself but I'm struggling to do it all. My well being seems to be what is suffering but I'm not under any illusion tgar being a SAHM would fix that!

Reading your last post I think you should go for it. It's not a job you love, you've stayed for the maternity benefits and had those, you are thinking of retraining anyway. Take this time for your dcs - you are lucky to have options, some people wouldn't be able to afford to stop work - give yourself permission to enjoy it knowing you are doing the right thing for you and use the opportunity to think about how you might retrain or what else you could do.

Please listen to the posters telling you how important it is to maintain your earning power if you're left on your own. I've seen too many friends struggling to desperately rebuild a career and earn enough money for a decent standard of living for the children they've been left with once the father fucks off and pays no more than minimal maintenance (or none!). Not to mention their pensions are worth shit after not paying in for x years.

I don't think "set an example to your daughter" was meant to be rude. I think that poster was saying be careful about showing your daughter it's the norm for women to make sacrifices once they have children, while men's lives stay the same without guilt.

I'd stick with the job, tbh.

If you want to re train, maybe now is the time to do that? Then look at working again when both DC are in school?

Take the children out of the equation - if you were posting about being sick of your career, wanting to retrain and change direction would people still think it so unreassonable to take some time out if you could afford it between you? I think if you want to do this now is the time to do it - that way you get to spend the time with your dc before they start school - two birds with one stone. I don't see how it's a bad example to your dcs to want to spend more time with them and to not always be completely frazzled when you do it? They know mummy is working now and I have no doubt you will work again - why would it be so terrible for them to see you working towards something that is more fulfilling? Some people have no choice - you do. We don't all have to live our lives as if we were single parents on the off-chance that we one day might be. If you and your DH are in agreement and he supports the idea of you stopping work with a view to retraining and going back when the kids are a bit older that might even make your marriage stronger.

My DC are a bit older now and I see the SAHMs really struggling to get back into work that they are qualified for. I've done 3 days since kids were little and its a good balance, it was hard when they were younger but I'm so glad I stuck with it, for self esteem as well as money, and there's no way I could have walked into this job now. When they're small it's hard to see beyond the immediate stress I know but things do change v quickly. Agree with PPs about making sure you are OK if your relationship got into trouble, not a nice thought but again that's something I'm seeing happening to more people as I get older. Just a question as well, why is it only you dealing with all the stress and you are the one thinking about changing work patterns? Aren't there 2 parents? What about DH changing his hours? You say it's not an option because he works away and works late but why? Why is it ok for him to do that and you have to run around picking up the slack? These questions really need serious consideration. Good luck with whatever you decide.

You have no idea how shit it is to hear people say "be a good example to your daughter" when some of us just can't.

Absolutely. I'm a SAHM and I would dearly, dearly LOVE to work the holy grail of three days a week but with astronomical childcare costs where we live, two DC under 3 to put in nursery and no family help, we would be worse off financially if I worked. I'm sad that I've given up my career so totally but equally, my DH earned twice what I did when we had DC. There was no discussion to be had over who would be the stay at home parent.

It's insulting and quite frankly upsetting to say that I'm not setting an example to my daughter. I'm showing her that sometimes you make sacrifices for the ones you love, regardless of whether you're a man or a woman.

I see the SAHMs really struggling to get back into work that they are qualified for. I've also seen lots of people retrain and go into jobs that are much more fulfilling or family-friendly or setting up their own businesses - it can be a really positive thing especially if, like the OP, you are not really fulfilled in your job. It can feel like a step into the unknown, but so is parenthood and sometimes that's what gives you incentive to make the break.

I carried on doing 3 days and am glad I did now they are older, but it was very hard at the time so I appreciate your dilemma. I knew that full time at home would be more difficult for me than the juggling act of work and young children was. If you are ambivalent about your job anyway then I wouldn't be so reluctant to give it up, I knew I needed to plod on as going back into my career would be tough after a break and I'd probably lost the part time hours. It's a tough call but if you do stop I'd recommend paying into a pension as the older women at work who have been left by their H's mostly regret the effect on their pensions of stopping work when their children were young.

Personally I'd stick it out. Can you negotiate different hours that may suit better. Maybe look for another pt job nearer if you have a long commute. So many people say oh I'll get a school Friendly job once they are at school but they are like hens teeth especially for people with career gaps. The people I know with decent pt jobs kept going. I work 25 hours a week in a professional job there is zero chance I would be doing that if I didn't do my 3 days a week when dd was a baby. I'd look at ways to help relieve the stress - dh doing more, cleaner, kids eating at nursery etc

Honeylulu, is it really more common for fathers not to pay than to pay? We have 3 sets of friends now divorced plus my DC have school friends whose parents are divorced. In all my friends cases the father certainly pays well and in all but one case they seem to split childcare 50:50. One friend has said how her Xh does a far more equal share of the childcare now they're divorced than he did when they were married.
I'm not suggesting some women aren't left high and dry. Of course they are. But I disagree that the majority of fathers just financially abandon their children.

Sorry op, that doesn't answer your question. If your all going to have a less stressful life then go for it esp if you are thinking about retraining anyway. Just be sure to have some money put away in your name only perhaps an ISA or similar. I've had periods of SAH and my DH thought it was important that I had this as a safety net and to help offset loss of earnings and pension. He doesn't have any accounts just in his name; everything is joint other than my ISA and my savings account which aren't secret and he can see what's in there online. So I'd say go for it and enjoy being at home as that's what you want to do right now. Good luck!

I'm another one who says keep the job. Keep your indépendance. I'm sure your DH is great but I don't think you can ever put that much trust in another human being.

I don't have children, yet and am already planning on becoming financially 'secure' before I have them so that I can hopefully become a SAHM if that's what I and my DP feel will work for us.

Do what you feel is right for you.

I wish I could be a SAHM but as it is I'm the breadwinner.
DH is seriously thinking of not coming back to work (he's on parental leave at the mo) because nursery and morning/after school clubs will cost more than he actually earns.

So financially, we wouldn't be any worse off if he stays at home. I don't mind what he decides, but if our salaries were reversed, there's no way in hell that I'd be at work.

I understand the need for financial security etc, but living for the "what ifs" all of the time isn't healthy either. If being a SAHM is what you really want, then go for it - if you decide at a later date to return to paid work, you can retrain and do something you want to do. Good luck with your decision!

Without getting into the whole debate, I would request the career break. It doesn't matter if it won't go down well; they'll approve it or they won't. You also have unpaid parental leave to take that could give you some breathing space and help you come to a decision.

Ignoring all the crazy external factors in the world at the moment (brexit, economic downturn), do you feel the that you would normally reenter the workforce with ease? Are you qualified, skilled, experienced?

I hated my job and career so giving it up to be at home was a no brainer. They're both nearly at school now and I'm preparing to go back to a new job. It has gone quickly. It's all temporary. I can't live on what ifs. If we do divorce I'll be back to full time work pdq won't I?? It's been a bit crap being at home at times but I'll never regret it. I'm not after another career job though so it's simpler. You can't put a price on not living with stress.

What's your long term goal? Retrain and have a new career or never work again? Where do you see yourself 20 years down the line when the kids are independent?

I very much empathise with the slog, the exhaustion, never giving your best at anything. I have a reasonably large age gap between my kids and definitely found it better over the age of 3 (more sleep, child increasingly independent, childcare funding).

I also wouldn't want to be financially dependent. I think my husband and o both value that security and look long term to when we will have more disposable income (and sleep) again.

So financially, we wouldn't be any worse off if he stays at home

You will be ultimately though. It is incredibly foolish to step out of paying into a pension.

YelloDeaw who said we'd step out of paying into a pension?

YANBU, it's a personal decision and I think there are pros and cons to being a SAHP. If you decide that for you personally there are more advantages than disadvantages then fair enough.

I would add though that I hope your DH is pulling his weight with the household chores/overtired children. And that he realises just how lucky he is to have a wife who will facilitate his career progression in a job requiring him to be away from home three nights a week. That's a lot.

On a larger scale I do think it's a bit of a shame that it is so often the woman who goes part time and eventually becomes the SAHP. But that's the way it is I guess!

To those saying there is no protection if they split, if married you have far more protection than cohabiting in this situation especially if husband is a high earner.

You would also be likely to get a pension sharing order.

I'm a SAHM to a 3 year old. Quitting work was the best decision I ever made. I love it. We do loads of fun activities, or going to a coffee shop for cake is a highlight of our week or just spending time on sofa watching Disney films. I just love being the main carer in his life again. I know what he's been doing all day everyday which makes managing behaviour, bad habits etc so much easier. Everything you said in OP was exactly how I felt and was so miserable. We were all always tired. Plus not that much worse of financially once take off nursery and commuting costs. We have had to tighten our belts, but by me working it's enabled DH to focus on his work more, do longer hours, more trips for meetings etc without having to work around my hours and nursery pick ups (which he had to do when I was working due to my long commute). So his promotion has made up for what I was earning! Obviously not the case for all couples though.

As for for career break I don't think it really makes too much difference to getting a job in future. Most big businesses are very good at being inclusive and not discriminating against those who have taken a break for childcare. At least that's what I've found - I've not worked for 2 years. I've applied for a few jobs that have caught me eye and when I say they ask what I've been doing since 2014 and I say looking after my son, they seem to accept it as fine! I've got through interview stage for a couple of jobs - but then got cold feet about returning to work and DH would prefer me not to work just yet and so not taken it further!

Every time I apply for a job DH thinks I'm crazy! Life is so much easier for him with me at home to be responsible for all things domestic. He thinks it's just not worth the stress. However, I am conscious of keeping my sanity. In some ways I do think may brain may be turning to mush and full of nursery rhymes rather than anything useful... so having something to keep my brain active is getting more appealing.

DH pays into a pension plan for me, but the plan is in my name. We have a joint account and joint credit card for all my spending. It's only now I'm thinking of buying DH Christmas present not having any of my own money is annoying as he'd see it on bank statement unless I juggle money about!

^ apologies, lots of typos! Writing while supervising toddler lunch :-)