To want to be a SAHM?

[mostlyrain]

We have 2 DCs who are 15mo and 3yo. I recently went back to my PT job and basically dont want to do the slog anymore. The constant battle to get the kids to nursery, the commute to work, a job that I'm bored in, the battle with overtired kids each night and the constant trying to squeeze all the house jobs in too. My eldest goes to school next September and I just feel now is the time to give up. But AIBU to give up work now? I don't know if I'll regret it in 6 months time...

Rain it's only 10 months til your eldest goes to school... it's tiny in the grand scheme of things. Re-consider when your eldest has settled into school.

And posted too soon.
I guess your choice provided your family income is enough and this doesn't mean a reliance on benefits.

Please take time though to read the myriad of threads where a parent has been left financially high and dry due to divorce, illness or death. More common than you think.

Also find out what it would mean for your pension, state and private.

Lastly check out the threads written by sahp once their dc hit secondary age.

It's your choice, but please take account of these too. This kind of financial decision doesn't just affect you now.

NBU at all. I imagine a lot of people want to be a SAHM. However, it is not always all it is cracked up to be, so it is worth realistically assessing your situation.

For me, I was 100% that I did not wish to ever return to my previous career (teaching). So, I wasn't worried about the impact of a gap from it, because I knew that going back was not happening. If I had a nice part time job in teaching just my subject at primary level (I applied for a few before getting pregnant), then I would probably have returned to work, at least for a while, as decent part time jobs are very hard to come by. If you want to stay in your field long term, you should stay now.

Give it up and enjoy your little ones, you will never regret that :) time flies they are precious! and I'm sure you are precious to them too.

Thank you everyone. A lot of food for thought. I'm going to chat with my OH more and thrash out some of the points raised. I hadnt even considered the idea of being left on my own. Naive maybe but it's a very good point. We don't know what's around the corner!!

I jumped at the chance and haven't regretted it for one second.

I am happy to set a good example to my children.

Caring for others is a very valuable thing to do

TBH being left alone wasn't something I ever considered- though reading many of the threads on MN maybe that was naive. For me it was more about the long term picture... 3 days seems such a great balance while the children are tiny (it's what I did) and for me definitely felt worth hanging on to even through the expensive nursery years. It also meant I felt completely able to step back up to full time and
Get promotions once all my Kids were in school, whereas if I'd stopped work completely, I very much doubt I'd be in the position i am now.

It's also worth remembering that you could well be having the morning battle with getting little ones up and out to school even if you become a SAHM... ok it won't be such an early start but it doesn't mean it'll all be sunlight and roses! There's a lot about the daily routine with children which is relentless. Of course you love them, of course you enjoy them but whatever way you look at it, being solely in charge of house and childcare is quite repetitive and can become isolating

Good luck with whatever you and your dh decide

I'm a SAHM to ds with one on the way. I'm very happy and don't miss my previous career. I am v concerned about getting back into work but for me that risk has been worth the time I have had at home.

However, given how close you are to both your dc being in school, I personally would stick it out if you can bear it. Within two years (I think?) your life will be totally different so I'd wait and make an informed decision then. Unless you think managing school picks ups etc for your dd will be a big issue with your current role?

And I'm sorry but I agree with the 'set an example' thing being hugely offensive, although I'm sure that wasn't the intention. There are many, many ways to set a good example to our children and working is only one of them. My mum both worked and stayed at home through my childhood and I don't feel she was more inspirational at one point than the other.

mostly , no we don't know what's around the corner. If we adopted a belt and braces attitude in life for everything we would never take any risks, we miss a lot of opportunities too.

Being a SAHM has allowed me to do many things I would not have otherwise.

I jacked in a good career to become a SAHM. It worked brilliantly for us. I was relaxed, my kids loved having me around, we socialised a lot during the day with other kids and parents, playgroups, toddler groups, trips to soft play. The house worked like clockwork, tidy, home cooked food.

I am so glad I kept working, I hated my job when the kids were small, there have been loads of redundancies in my sector but I have managed to keep my hours through the difficult time. I now have some really interesting work within the same company but vacancies are like gold dust getting back in would be hard. Also my dh likes spending time with the kids and I think he would feel compelled to work more hours if we didn't have my income.

I am so glad I jacked in my job.

If I hadn't become a SAHM I would have continued with the mindset of the daily grind and promotions ladder.
Instead being a SAHM gave me the time and headspace to think outside the box, started a small business working from home, ( for which I had neither experience, qualifications nor start up funds).
Now years down the line I still work only part time but earn £50K a year. This would not have happened if I didn't follow my heart.

How much do you like your job? If you enjoy it and it would be what you'd want to go back when the dcs are a bit older then I'd say stick with it - three days a week seems a good compromise. Many people would love that. I wouldn't think of it in financial terms at this stage - you are bound to be a bit out of pocket at the moment, but that will pass fairly quickly. If on the other hand you don't particularly enjoy your job - or don't feel it is something you want to do long-term - and you can afford it then I'd follow our heart and have this time with your dcs (it's a total cliché but you never get this time back - you can't rewind and make up the days in a few years time). I'm like the previous poster - stopped working for various reasons mainly because the kind of hours required in the job I was doing weren't really compatible with family life - I am working again now for myself at something that fits in brilliantly with the rest of my life it's a door that would probably never have opened if I hadn't taken time out.

It's not just about being left alone although it's a huge factor to take into account, illness, affairs etc happen daily.

It's about the impact and message it sends too. Schools spend lots of time and energy instilling children with a sense of self belief that if they try hard at school they can do anything. A very important message to send to both sexes. But we still live in a world where men are expected to work and women believe they have the choice not too. With that mindset there will never be full equlity in the workplace.

I wonder how many men would like to tell their partners they are quitting work as it's too much?

I would be very cautious about giving up the hours you have now as it would be very difficult to get the same in future.

Why not look at your husband requesting flexible working so that he can do the school/nursery run one day a week or even be at home one day a week. It would reduce your stress to two days with no impact on your career.

But sheldon, it's not about just "quitting work".

A SAHM usually works hard and provides invaluable support for her ( usually) family. It's not about throwing in the towel.

If we measure a person's success purely by their earnings then that's a hideous world. In doing so we undervalue huge numbers of people who are contributing in other ways and those who are unable to, be they sick, elderly or caring for others.

Wow!
I can't believe that people are suggesting that you should in case you break up! Or that half of all marriages fail! Last I heard it was 38% by the 20th year.

Aside from that decide as a couple what's for the best.

By "quitting work" I have been able to explore my own options and provide a good role model for my children.
Exploring alternative ways to make money, they have watch me over the years exploring my options, trying new projects, keeping a positive optimistic attitude, dusting myself off, having a creative approach.
As a result my kids have been earning money from various projects since they were 14.

Teachers are not well placed to give kids life lessons. Many have never been outside the classroom and have quite a blinkered view.

Well if I had broken up with OH that's a risk I was prepared to take if it meant I was home with the kids.

Our relationship has been enhanced by me staying at home, we are both far less stressed than if I worked outside the home.

Lets put it this way - (as a SAHM) I am not sure that I would be still married to my husband if I had a salary of my own. Its quite conceivable that I would have walked away....The jury is out re whether this is a good thing or a bad thing; I am not in an abusive marriage so perhaps it is good that there is a financial incentive to stay with dh during marital bad patches...but there is no escaping the fact that even if your dh doesn't make you feel financially dependent (mine doesn't

Lets put it this way - (as a SAHM) I am not sure that I would be still married to my husband if I had a salary of my own. Its quite conceivable that I would have walked away....The jury is out re whether this is a good thing or a bad thing; I am not in an abusive marriage so perhaps it is good that there is a financial incentive to stay with dh during marital bad patches...but there is no escaping the fact that even if your dh doesn't make you feel financially dependent (mine doesn't

ooops!

), it is a factor and does affect your decisions

I used to work part time but had to give up my job due to a chronic health condition.

You have no idea how shit it is to hear people say "be a good example to your daughter" when some of us just can't. I would love to go back to work, but unfortunately I'm bedridden for about half the week, and employers kind of like you to be there. I can't even work from home because of the effects of my disability.

If, as lots of these posts suggest, our worth is bound up in either how much we contribute in the workplace, or in the home, then I guess that I am right to sometimes feel worthless. There is something very wrong when our worth is tied up in either paid or unpaid work. If that is all we are, then I might as well give up now.

Oh, and my DH has never once made me feel like a financial drain or that we're unequal. He earns it, I budget and spend it. Equal

I don't agree it's about "quitting work because it's got too much". It is about having children being a moment when you think about how you organise your life as a family and seeing what works. You don't have to carry on regardless doing things in the same way as if you'd never had them (although this is of course an option). Life changes and assuming you aren't just scraping by it is a moment to reassess and see if you can do things differently to make life easier, better and more enjoyable for everyone. If you are married you surely ought to be able to think of yourselves as a team otherwise what is the point? That said, three days a week sounds like an excellent compromise - still keeping a toe in the water while having four days at home.

YANBU
I work 3 days and absolutely hate putting my 2yr old in nursery, I feel like I'm missing out on spending time with him. I would happily quit work and not go back until he was at school.
Unfortunately finances won't allow