To want to be a SAHM?

[mostlyrain]

We have 2 DCs who are 15mo and 3yo. I recently went back to my PT job and basically dont want to do the slog anymore. The constant battle to get the kids to nursery, the commute to work, a job that I'm bored in, the battle with overtired kids each night and the constant trying to squeeze all the house jobs in too. My eldest goes to school next September and I just feel now is the time to give up. But AIBU to give up work now? I don't know if I'll regret it in 6 months time...

I agree with the poster about male views of their SAH wives. Not always very complimentary and often resentful. I cringe listening to them some times.

I do have professional qualifications and a good CV so if/when I'd like to go back to work I should be able to.

That is what my friends thought. Ten years down the line, it really hasn't happened for them.

Letseatgrandma - I'm afraid I agree. The problem is that things move on and you lose so many skills while not keeping up-to-date with whatever industry you work in.

I hope to go part time in the future but I'd be very nervous about being a SAHM. If things go wrong you're in a very dangerous position.

The point I was trying to make with pensions is that even if you think you bring home zero money after childcare, actually your pension contribs and those of your employer will be making a sizeable contribution to the family finances.
Plus if you pull them out of nursery, somehow you need to replace some of that socialisation and the activities, and that comes at a cost too.

I'm amazed that there are women on here talking about DP's (not DH's) being happy for them to be SAHMs. I'd feel so insecure in that situation that I'd have trouble sleeping!

Two questions- how are you going to be able to restart your career when you decide to return to work? Will your qualifications and experience be out of date. What are you going to do if your DH decides he would like to be the SAHP or go part time? I've always worked f/t, had amazing opportunities to work around the world but with a supportive DH who has his own career as a doctor, raised DT's who are now in their first year at Uni.

Capricorn - I hope women realise how little rights you have when not married...

It's not just the non married part, I'd wonder why my partner thought it was ok to control me financially by ensuring I had no own income. Not to mention believing in the old fashioned view that men work whilst women play house. I want a partner who is an equal.

All the little bits add up too, every present you buy the worker they have paid for themselves, resentment builds on the part of the one who has no choice but to work, education becomes wasted, skills out of date and conversations tend to centre around just children in the main.

Then there's the worry about the main earner losing their job, leaving them for someone else, falling ill etc. A second income cushions that and ensures both parties have the means to house/feed themselves and their children.

Quite Peach, and to be frank even if you are married, the law is turning against women who expect not to work and live off ex-husbands as their children reach school age and beyond.

jeaux90 lose respect then get their heads turned by a sassy independant woman. It's just my experience, I hope you are 100% secure in your marriage xx

So we need to keep working to keep our husbands from straying?

Pitiful viewpoint and highlights a bad attitude towards SAHM and men.

'Capricorn - I hope women realise how little rights you have when not married...'

They don't. One poster has a 'partner' for 25 years and she jacked in FT work for taking care of the child, and now putting up with a man who's borderline abusive and still 'not aware of the legalities'. So many women sleepwalk into this situation.

So many women sleepwalk into this situation.

Yes because we are basically thick bovine creatures who think little past changing nappies and making things with glue.

No one has said that mind. But I do think it is prudent to give enormous consideration before becoming fully financially dependent on someone else.

Career, finances, independence. Fuck the kids; they can just be shipped out to xyz.

Would you say the same of working dad's Bagina? Do you have a DH who works? Can he not love his kids as well as work?

Bagina why is the woman who is expected to give up career, finance, independence?

Yanbu but I'd try to hang in there until September then give it a fair trial to see how much it improves. I say that as a former SAHM.

In my own personal belief a child should be with a parent as the main care giver from 0-3. If you don't agree, then that's your opinion. I know a few sahds; the couples just picked the highest earner to go back to work.

I just get sick of the me me me debate. The kids don't get mentioned.

It's a risk I am happy to take.

My OH and I chose to have children with each other because we have trust.
If things go tits up then so be it, the risk of that is a small price to pay compared to a happy and stress free home life with young children.

And as I have pointed out many women find that they come out of the time spent as a SAHM with a new vision of their life.

Warnings of the pitfalls of being a SAHM are of no interest to me.
So I lose my career, have no financial independence, my OH will lose respect for me and go off with some "sassy" career woman.

Equally I could warn that women who choose to stay working are allowing their kids to be raised by someone else, that they have no family time, weekends are spent playing catch up, nerves are frayed, messy house no time as a couple.

Which isn't an accurate truth for many either.

I'm not interested in competing in a corporate environment, full of young hot shots trying to out do each other

Great posts bagina- you really sell the SAHM concept

Oh dear god not the 'kids raised by someone else' crap too.

SAH if it suits you and your partner- no problem- but don't try to convince yourself that parents who work aren't raising their kids too.
Been there done that... my adult kids are happy well adjusted grown ups who know darn well that me and my dh raised them. We just managed to, you know, go to work too

Ffs bagina it's kids that lose out if there is no financial stability.
I work part time. Ex works weekends so takes time off in the week. There are lots of ways of ensuring a good balance. But there is nothing great about life for children if they lose their home/ have to support elderly parents in the future because they didn't save for a pension. Now my oldest is school age he always gets picked up by a parent. No way could I just have walked into a job like that if I hadn't kept going.
I grew up with a sahm and it isn't actually all that great, she was tired and fed up and we had very little money so I was socially excluded at school. Life was a lot better once she returned to work and she was a lot happier. My younger siblings, who always had a working mum, are much more socially confident and content than my older brother and I.

Ideally there is a good balance, but financial precariousness is awful for everyone and particularly for children.

I was v glad I worked part time when ExH left me. And even more so when he had a go at not bothering to pay maintenance. It meant I could keep the children in the family home so their lives didn't turn upside down.

I have sahm friends chewing their fingernails off right now because their Dh's are facing redundancy/ signed off work long term sick. It's a horribly vulnerable place to be.

👏

bagina I totally agree.
Both OH and I were very firm that our children should be cared for at home by a parent for the early years.
It made sense for me to do that as he earned more than me and couldn't breastfeed.

An unfashionable view but I am 100% happy with my decision and felt it was best for our kids.