To want to be a SAHM?

[mostlyrain]

We have 2 DCs who are 15mo and 3yo. I recently went back to my PT job and basically dont want to do the slog anymore. The constant battle to get the kids to nursery, the commute to work, a job that I'm bored in, the battle with overtired kids each night and the constant trying to squeeze all the house jobs in too. My eldest goes to school next September and I just feel now is the time to give up. But AIBU to give up work now? I don't know if I'll regret it in 6 months time...

munster you severely miss my point.

Kids raised by someone else is an example I give of the negativity surrounding our parenting choices, as is the idea that my OH will leave me for a "sassy" career women the minute I become a SAHM.

I've managed to find a flexible job working from home in the past year which is 2 grades higher than I used to do before dc. It's also going to take me in a direction that I'm passionate about when both dc are at school next year. It's been a great opportunity overall and I will be happy and sad to move onto the next phase. Worry about something when/if it happens.

Good for you bagina. Shame you believe anyone who does things differently is thinking 'fuck the kids'. I assume openmindeness isn't part of the skills set required for your 2 grades higher job

No, I'm generally quite black and white. Exactly what the job requires.

Well done Bagina.

Becoming a SAHM opened up opportunities I would never had considered if I had stayed in my set career path.

I've been thinking about this thread and the problem with this debate is that there are two very different realities (and obviously shades of grey in between)

• some people have independent financial security eg from a previous career /inheritance or have husbands are so wealthy, honest and healthy that choosing to go back to work is genuinely solely a "choice" which means that they can afford a second family holiday in Verbier each year etc
• for others, it is genuinely a choice which, confront it or not, will have an impact on the whole family not in terms of material things but in terms of increasing the financial stresses and reducing future options. In these cases part time working seems more sensible than throwing in the towel completely

but in terms of increasing the financial stresses and reducing future options.

Well that's not actually true. Many women choose to continue working but because of childcare/transport other costs find they are working for next to nothing.
I have already spoken about my views about reducing future outcomes. Perhaps if someone wants to pick up the same career- although many exceptions- teaching for instance.
Equally there are opportunities for a paradigm shift in life. Which I have witnessed in many of my friends.

But that's my point, even if they work part time for "virtually nothing" for a couple of years, till free hours kick in, pension contributions are still being made, activities are carried out at nursery which otherwise would cost money to do etc.

activities are carried out at nursery which otherwise would cost money to do etc.

Really? What are these expensive activities?

Either way things don't go to plan. It was always the intention that i go back to work but I got made redundant on my first maternity leave. I couldn't get a job in my field (lots of companies downsized at the same time and I was quite early on on my career) so I ended up in a admin role part-time. 4 years later despite a lot of job interviews I was still earning very little in a job I didn't like that's didn't pay into a pension, or give me training/skills/progression. I've done some training and volunteering on the side but it's very hard to balance yet another thing and I didn't really have the brain space to work out what I really want to do. So now I'm a SAHM. I'm doing lots more volunteering, that is directly related to where I want to go and will get more qualifications when DS is a bit bigger.
I wasn't any more financially independent when I was working and I have a lot more "job satisfaction" now. Plus our lives are much less stressful and our weekends more fun.

People are assuming everyone gives up a well built up and indestructible "career" to be a SAHM, different things work for different people and different families and the best laid plans of anyone fail. I'm glad my redundancy happened when it did, I'd've hated to put DD in nursery for years and had all the resultant stress only then to end up in the same position anyway. This way I've had lots of time with them before school.

But that's my point, even if they work part time for "virtually nothing" for a couple of years,

Not something I would be prepared to do at the expense of the early years.

Activities: my daughters nursery has various pets (Guinea pigs, rabbits, a dog) they help care for, they meet friends and have loads of toys and stories and balance bikes and a huge trampoline; they have a massive indoor soft play centre, go on trips out, have access to a massive library of stories (no libraries near us any more) ... She only goes a few short days a week but gets a huge amount out of the time she is there. I can't afford pets, or a giant trampoline, or an endless supply of books, so yes, she gets all kinds of experiences there that I couldn't otherwise give her .

But that's my point, it's not actually virtually nothing. and that stage rarely lasts long thanks to free hours etc

throwingpebbles

Really? We have had lots of guinea pigs- rescue pigs are free and RSPCA always looking for homes. Huge hutch free on freecycle.
Many jumble sales and charity shops sell great kids books for a pittance. When you have time there is a world to explore for free with kids. Collecting things, muddy walks through woods, near rivers, beaches, picnics, nearly free crafts at home, gardening, paper mache with old newspapers and flour, meeting friends, treasure hunts indoors and out, and hundreds of almost free creative things to do.

I can't see anything inspiring about your DDs nursery.

Why do people still talk about the woman paying all the child care costs and dog walking costs? Surely the husband pays half and they the other half which utterly changes the economics of it and if sunny Jim is giong to swan off 3 nights a week to work away then I think she should do the same too. if the husband finds that hard then that's just tough- he'll have to cope and it will do the wife's career a world of good.

Once again it's not either/or is it?

I would imagine most loving and involved parents do the things mindtrope lists- we certainly did when the kids were small. And they also went to nursery which added another dimension. Not better, nor worse, just another experience.

OP it's difficult to know if you'll regret giving up work.

None of us have a crystal ball.

I know lots of SAHPs (we live in a very well heeled are) and some regret it and some don't. Some enjoyed their time, some hated it (and many/most were pragmatic and had a mixed experience).

I'm a SAHM currently interviewing to go back to work. Hopefully I'll get a school hours job doing what I did before effectively sales. However I'll have to cover school hols and childminder for 2 year old while I'm working and eldest is at school. I'll still do the school run and collect. I'm planning on c. 915-3pm 4 days a week with Fri off. The current company interviewing me are keen to make this work and then see if I can go full time longer hours once then kids are older. It will be generally working from home with the odd meeting. I have good transport. I do not doubt I'll still be doing ALL I do as a sAHM but I'll feel more comfortable financially particularly with Brexit looming and my husband's job is very financially sensitive to market conditions. I've been 'out' since 2013.

I just get sick of the me me me debate. The kids don't get mentioned.

When you say this, all I get is the image of all the DHs in this situation in the distance saying,

It's not my concern.
I'll keep progressing in my career.
Too much housework for you to keep doing all of three whole days a week in a job? Guess that's the way the cookie crumbles, I'll be over here accepting that promotion. It's my turn to cut my hours and sacrifice my pay progression, you say? Who does that?

Equally there are opportunities for a paradigm shift in life. Which I have witnessed in many of my friends.

Were all these friends women? Which of their husbands experienced a paradigm shift that consisted of anything other than having someone to take on all the shitwork?

totallyouting you may see it as "shitwork"

I feel extremely privileged that I was able to give up work to to the important job of raising my young children.

I feel extremely privileged that I was able to give up work to to the important job of raising my young children.

that's very offensive. I worked and always have (also when the DC were you). But I still raised my DC.Apart from that,makibg sure that the DC have a roof over their head,are dressed and fed is also part of raising a child!

^^when DC were young

crazy you can be offended as you like.

You feel offended that I gave up work to raise my kids?

You have a very tender spot somewhere