To want to be a SAHM?

[mostlyrain]

We have 2 DCs who are 15mo and 3yo. I recently went back to my PT job and basically dont want to do the slog anymore. The constant battle to get the kids to nursery, the commute to work, a job that I'm bored in, the battle with overtired kids each night and the constant trying to squeeze all the house jobs in too. My eldest goes to school next September and I just feel now is the time to give up. But AIBU to give up work now? I don't know if I'll regret it in 6 months time...

Ten years ago I would have said yes-do it (presuming your partner was v happy to be the sole earner-mine wasn't and we needed my wage), but now I'm seeing friends who've had a huge career break massively struggling to get back into any sort of job.

I'm glad I've kept pt working.

No one ever says on their deathbed that they wished they spent more time in the office!! Life is short - do what is right for you and your family.

True amber, but people may regret missed opportunities, things they may have achieved, people they may have encountered... and a career can provide another dimension to life...

you could equally say no one wishes on their deathbed that they'd changed more nappies or spent more time hoovering up. There are interesting and not so interesting parts to everything- whether working or staying at home.

Weigh it up sensibly OP- not just as an emotional response but looking at all angles. Then make a decision that works for all your family

I agree Munster. For me, the lovely bit of having kids is not 100% the reality of being a sahm with the drudgery of the cleaning, washing etc. I'd rather work a bit, have fun with my kids as much as possible and earn enough for a cleaner/ironing lady etc! Oh and go on holidays

I'm the opposite. I couldn't handle being a sahm and love being back at work. Each to their own I say. If you aren't happy then I would consider leaving, if you could afford it

I've already posted saying I'm intended to leave my three days a week to return to being a full time SAHM. I think the important points are that my career is relatively easy to pick up again (teacher in London so could do supply if I needed to, my husband has life insurance and I still pay into a pension. I appreciate some people have unfortunately stories, but if you're prepared and want to do it it can work. Good luck with your decision.

*intending

As a sahm I say keep working. In another two years or so they are both going to be at School, you are going to be in a job with very accomodating hours for a good family life and with a much better family income. Your worries about leaving work on time will be worries about buying Christmas presents in the same month as the car insurance otherwise. There really isn't a way to get rid of the stress of small children. As soon as you have to start doing the school run, there is always this stress to get somewhere anyway.
Although it does depend on how easily you organise school holidays....

I have children of similar ages OP and left teaching earlier this year to be a sham. I don't regret it for a second and neither does my dh. It was a decision we made as a family and I am so very very grateful that we can manage on one wage. I do want to work again eventually but this was the right decision for us now. Only you can decide what's best for your family, but if it's what you want to do and you can manage I would do it in a heartbeat

I'd stick at it if at all possible.

Firstly and primarily because I don't think it is ever a good idea to be dependent on someone else. If they get ill/ made redundant / leave you then it is a horrible and frightening place to be. I also think it must be immensely stressful to be the sole breadwinner.

Secondly because I have watched so many friends trying to get back into the workplace after being sahm and it just isn't very easy

Thirdly as soon as free hours kick in you will start making money, and once one is at school and one is on free hours you wil be glad you stuck it out

Finally it's easy to forget the "invisible" money - the pension contributions your employer makes, the food and resources that nursery provide, the enrichment and socialisation from nursery. Mine got a huge amount out of the days they did at Nursery and made glorious friendships and started school full of confidence.

I became a SAHM 10 years ago. I've never regretted that decision, which isn't to say it's been easy! DH has been very supportive of the decision which is crucial and recognises that my contribution to our family is something he couldn't afford if he had to pay money for it! As a result, his pension = our pension. That's in the same category of his money = our money re his salary. I never understand why pensions get mentioned separately in these conversations.

I took five years out when my DD was born (already had DS) and I went back to work when she started school.
This was partly because my mum was dying/died and I needed time out but partly because your children are little for such a short time and you'll never get those precious times back again.
You can retrain or go back into work at any point but you can't have those young years back again.
I'd say take the plunge and do what you think will work for you and your family.

Life is short. They are young for so little time. Get the hell out! Enjoy the time when they are young and then retrain. If you can pay the bills then you have choices.

Personally with the economy the way it is I would stay in work. What would happen if DH was in danger of losing his job? I wouldn't want to put all of the stress of earning on my DH. Yes they are only little once but it's not like if you work you never see them.

I know of two families where the woman claims that the decision to be a SAHM was a joint one with the DH. However, I hear the DH's making passive aggressive 'jokes' about having to work whilst DW has the cushty gig at home. I think in some cases women push for it and men reluctantly go along with it but resent it.

I remember a woman being upset on here as she'd taken a lot of time out to be a SAHM and now the kids were older she couldn't even get a job as a dinner lady. You don't want that to be you.

Ten years in DV. No f ing way would I advise women to be dependent.

I think jumping off the tracks and taking that leap can actually be life enhancing.

All these warnings about losing a spot in the career race, warnings about pensions, husbands about to leave us in the lurch make me smile.

What is life without a stab in the dark sometimes.
My life has been enhanced ten fold by deciding to stop work. Some of the other SAHM I met on my journey have had similar outcomes. We don't suddenly stop being creative, resourceful or industrious because we have a big shift in our lives and then resigned to being in a dead end job for the rest of our lifes.

Of my closest friends who were SAHM, I look at what they have gained and how they have changed now with older kids. Some have retrained, many have become self employed., All have taken a fresh perspective on their lives.

One friend went from being a senior civil servant to a successful children's author,.
Another from a supermarket manager to running an alternative health clinic.

A financial assistant became a child minder
A nursery worker to running her own landscape gardening business.
A careworker to an artist.
A TV researcher to running her own artisan food business.

None of these women were rich nor had rich parents.

Of my friends who continued to work and kept the career going, they are still on the tracks, OK a few promotions, a shift of company but basically doing the same thing fifteen years down the line.

Now whether women who jack in a career to become a SAHM are more open to risk and therefore the type who would be more likely to become self employed I don't know.
I am simply pointing out that sometimes following our heart and listening to our inner voice can pay off.

you need to do what's right for you but to me the key thing here is that you"re bored in your job... In my view (maybe idealistic) you should enjoy your job: what about finding something you do like? Because otherwise 24hours per week seems pretty good in the great scheme of things and when school/free hours at nursery kicks in then it will definitely be worth it financially! But again I'm still with the idea that you should like what you do (children or not). So worth thinking about.

As for the PP who said it was "rude" for someone to say 'set an example to your daughter': there is no need to be defensive in front of someone else's differing viewpoint. I tend to think like this too, it's not rude, it's my view. Just like some sahm say 'be there for your children'...different views different worlds.
Having said that ben and women should equally be able to decide to stay at home if they have no career aspirations/wish to, but it should be a free and informed choice and women should feel pressured to do it due to social expectations.

I took a sabattical I was made redundant and I took 15 months off. It was the best thing for our family. I did worry about not getting work again but an opportunity literally happened on the same day of me looking. I'm my own boss now and the year out helped me evaluate.

should NOT

I'm a single mum so have no choice but admittedly my identity is firmly planted in my career. I work in a male dominated industry and do hear a lot of them talk about their stay at home wives in differing levels of respect.

What I do want to say is I have seen it time and time again, where the DH says "yes stay home and be a mum it's fine" few years down the line they start moaning about being the only breadwinner, lose respect then get their heads turned by a sassy independant woman. (Oh and believe me I hear this all the time from guys in my industry) wife is then left trying to survive on maintenance and picking up the pieces of a career they left years ago. Read the relationships threads!

It's just my experience, I hope you are 100% secure in your marriage xx

Henna flare- just picking up your point about pensions- the reason peeple mention pensions separately is a purely technical one. A pension is linked to the person it 'belongs to.' Without wishing to sound morbid, if your dh predeceases you, you may well be entitled to a proportion of his pension (it's referred to as a widow's pension) but you aren't going to get the whole shebang! This does seem to be a misperception among some women.

My dh and I have always seen earnings as joint, whether we've been earning the same amount, or I've been slightly higher or he's been slightly higher. (All have been true at various points in our careers) However much as he loves me, if I'd been a SAHM it would have simply been factually incorrrect to say his pension was 'mine too'... I would have received some if he'd died but the pension was his, with his employer making contributions. This is one of the reasons why it's essential to think long term when making decisions about working or not.... it's not just the immediate money in your pocket but the 'hidden' benefits too.

On another note- I completely agree with the points about 'taking leaps' in life and not being afraid to make changes etc but of course this can be applied equally well to working as being at home... if you're finding something difficult/ dull/ stressful, then make changes, look at a new career, take a promotion/demotion etc

Up to each couple ultimately to decide what works for them both- but I do have a wry smile when anyone tries to imply that the only way to be a 'free spirit' is to give up work. Unless you're born into serious money, you're reliant on someone else to facilitate your 'free spiritedness'! For the majority, it's perhaps wiser to aim for a rewarding (not just financially but in other ways too) career because that can also provide you with life enhancing experiences. I've certainly always encouraged my children (dd and much as ds) that I don't mind what career they aim for but to choose something they find worthwhile and interesting because in the real world for most people a fairly large chunk of adulthood will involve having a work life (as well as all the other interesting varied facets which make up life)

Three days doesn't seem particularly onerous. I would think ahead. It does get easier and you'll have some level of financial security. Presumably you've worked hard to get where you are, I wouldn't be in a rush to jeopardise it. And I agree with the posters who mentioned setting an example for your children. It is perfectly possible to combine career with motherhood and do both well.

If it's what you want and you can afford it then go for it. But make concrete plans for your pension and what happens if you split up/something happens to your DH.

What mindtrope said.

I always thought I'd carry on working and then I had a baby and realised how happy I was at home, how much happier DP was with me at home and just thought - fuck it. I want to enjoy being a mother and make the most of a time in my life that is going so quickly.

I do have professional qualifications and a good CV so if/when I'd like to go back to work I should be able to. I was already finding the job difficult (long hours, DP working away a lot). And probably most crucially for us, DP earns multiples of my salary and was very supportive of me being at home.

I worked part time once my children were born, two or three days a week right until I retired last year. We could have managed without my salary but it made life so much easier. Decent foreign holidays, nice stuff for the house. My salary was paid into my account so I had money to spend without worrying whether it put a strain on the household budget - if I wanted to buy something nice for myself and I had done some overtime I went ahead without worrying about it.

I enjoyed wearing office clothes and having work friends over the years, I had something to talk about other than the children and perspectives of life outside my own social circle and family. It may sound mean, but work also protected me from having my days taken over by my elderly parents, who have tried to pull me into caring for them more and more over the years - it's allowed me to put in some boundaries.

I also had good health insurance via work which I used many times over the years - dentist, physio, opticians all paid for as well as minor ops and private consultants. Finally the pension, which I moaned about paying into has finally kicked in and is a really big help. I'm enjoying my retirement now and reaping the benefits of working all those years. It was tough in the early years to get a routine going with the house and children, but definitely the right choice for me.