Bad FIL and SMIL or is it me bu?

[coffeismybestfriend]

This might get long... Sorry...

the only grandparent we have living close buy is my husbands dad and his 2nd wife. My husband has an ok relationship with his dad ( never anything too emotional but they see each other regularly) his wife is American she is 20 years younger then him and got together with him when my husband was early teens and she was 20 . There where a lot of issues that they never resolved or spoke about. His father always put his wife 1st in front of his own children. SMIL never wanted kids of her own. Since we have had 3 kids she was really weird and refused to hold the kids until they whee about 1, refused to look after them until they " could be reasoned with" ( about 2 1/2) but the last two years they've seen them more regularly ( every Wednesday afternoon, unless they can't which has been about 50 percent of the time last minute cancellation) so a week after we returned from summer holidays my husband mentioned that his dad complained they never see us.. so I thought ohh shit their PO because I haven texted them since we got back. So I sent the wife a text saying we're back and would they like to start seeing the kids regularly on Wednesdays again.... so the response I got was:
That they Are far too busy to have the kids regularly now ( they are retired) and that anyhow they will only take one or two at the time as they feel having all tree is too much ( they often complain about their behaviour but nobody els does...) ... she will let me know ( last minute) when they want them...
so I didn't like this message so I didn't respond.. instead I spoke to my mum and my husbands mum ( who I love) who both agreed this was ridiculous. Then I spoke to my sil ( who liked to stir it) and she told her father I was PO. After this they haven't called, texted, nothing about seeing the kids. A I b u to just not contact them and think if they can't be bothered and my kids are such a choir for them my kids are better of not seeing them..? Or should I be making an effort for the sake of my children?

I dont understand why seeing your children has to mean a regular afternoon of childcare for them?
It sounds like you are expecting them to be unpaid babysitters.
Why can't you just go and visit and let them spend some time with you all?

Does seeing them equal looking after them for you?

Well yes I don't really want to spend the afternoon with these people so if they want a relationship with there grandchildren they should see them on there own..?

It's you.

I think YABU - why shoukd your ILs look after your kids regularly?

Yes, it's you.

YABU then
Not everyone is comfortable with children; no one is obliged to care for your children.

So asking if they wanted to resume seeing the grandkids on wednesdays was basically you asking them to provide childcare for 3 kids every week? Yes, it's you.

Yes it's you.

You want an afternoon of free childcare.

It's you.

" Well yes I don't really want to spend the afternoon with these people "

tough, they are your inlaws, You invite them over for high tea and later wave goodbye with a plastic smile on your face,,,,,

Half way house- expecting weekly child care is a bit much, but so is spending an afternoon with them if you don't like them. Monthly family visits?

Sounds like she was just being honest. She is in no way obliged to provide childcare for you.

Really? It's me? I should not be able to expect anything from them? My mum and my MIL would happily see all three of our kids when ever they could.. is that not normal? I don't care that much about them not wanting to see them regularly every Wednesday but " wanting only one or two at the time" I don't feel like it's my duty to make sure they get a relationship with their grandchildren if they can't make any effort?

YABU. Visiting does not equal childcare.

If they don't want to care for them then they don't have to. Look at it from their point of view:

People who don't like them are coming over, dropping their kids off on a weekly basis without staying because the parents of the kids don't want to spend time with them.

I'd be telling you where to go.

And you are outrageously out of order for expecting favours from people you refer to as 'these people' - so rude.

So send DH over to them with the DCs for the afternoon. His dad, his responsibility. Sorted.

I also think YABU

I'm feeling a bit sorry for SMIL, she has said she doesn't want her own kids and isn't comfortable with them. And yet you still dump three kids on her every week and are surprised she is not ecstatic about this?

I don't feel like it's my duty to make sure they get a relationship with their grandchildren if they can't make any effort?

They don't want to be free babysitters everyweek, which is what you are expecting them to be.

Yes, OP, it's you. They aren't asking you to ensure they have a relationship with their grandchildren. You are the one doing the asking here.

You expect a massive favour from them, but do not want to see them and refer to them as 'these people'.
Sorry, really not reasonable.

YABU as others have said seeing your children does not equal looking after them.

No, you are not entitled to expect anything from them. Nothing at all.
Again, it's you, and YABU

I wouldn't want to look after 3 young children either - that's a lot of work if you're not used to it. It also sounds like they don't want to be tied to a regular schedule and would prefer to see them as grandparents, not babysitters.